how to deal with autism in a family group

my daughter married a man with aspergers -  he is a lovely chap BUT he has accepted that he needs to own his autism and is open about it -  I find him easy to cope with.  He has a family with different mental health problems and they are a problem en masse.  - his father is egotistical and insulting in his behaviour to me especially,  his wife expects me to shrug it off but it can at times be very bad,  son in law has brother who had a serious mental breakdown a few years ago and not cannot work, live by himself or function in society.  His father's first wife had him sectioned many years ago and he has a second wife who takes the view that they are just so highly intelligent that their rudeness and contempt for others is justified,  His father's first wife, his mother, is an alcoholic and my problem is that I cannot cope with them en masse at christmas and my daughter is furious with me.  It is like some cult of a family who has made so many excuses for their behaviour over the years that they do not see or accept their differences - they only mix in family, have very few friends and to be frank I am very concerned about my daughter being so immersed with them

How the hell do I deal with this - they are convinced that they are so brilliant, brainy and special that they do not have to even accept my daughter has a family

Parents
  • they only mix in family, have very few friends

    It sounds like there are significant autistic traits throughout their family and that they have been hurt significantly so have cut themselves off from others to cope. I suspect if they received a lot of love and acceptance things would start to change.

    However, I have similar issues with my own in-laws and even though I'm autistic too, for my own sanity I avoid them as much as possible. My OH step-dad is an undiagnosed autistic and to cope with this he is egotistical and insulting in his behaviour. The in-laws have never had much money but we have to spend a significant chunk of every visit reliving how well he did in the world of work, he talks over other people, drink drives as he's become alcohol dependent to cope with social situations etc. I've spoken to my husband and I am going to call him out on his behaviour at the time, e.g if he talks over me ask why he thinks it's acceptable to treat me in such a way. Its also been agreed that I'll only engage with them at birthdays and Christmas. 

  • that is helpful thank you - I think daughter's FinL would have a meltdown if I tried that - I think they have found life difficult and cope in different ways - he does not care about scenes.   He was furious with my son in law when he got a diagnosis as he insists it is just that they so far above anyone in intelligence and do not have a problem - My daughter is furious with me because I will not spend christmas with them but I really cannot deal with their dramas - I know is must be hell for them but they are a nightmare of patronising behaviour - I am 70, had 2 heart attacks and for once am putting myself first.   I have noticed that they do deal with it according to their character and SinL is a good and loving man and deals with it well

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  • that is helpful thank you - I think daughter's FinL would have a meltdown if I tried that - I think they have found life difficult and cope in different ways - he does not care about scenes.   He was furious with my son in law when he got a diagnosis as he insists it is just that they so far above anyone in intelligence and do not have a problem - My daughter is furious with me because I will not spend christmas with them but I really cannot deal with their dramas - I know is must be hell for them but they are a nightmare of patronising behaviour - I am 70, had 2 heart attacks and for once am putting myself first.   I have noticed that they do deal with it according to their character and SinL is a good and loving man and deals with it well

Children
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