Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm an adult with asd, I'm really struggling to explain to my partner what autism is and how I cant just change to suit his needs
His first problem is affection, I dont really like it, I dont give affection alot unless he comes to me it's not just with him it's with everyone I've learnt when a cuddle is expected so will give one then but I dont like it I do it because it's a seen as normal but he sees that as me not loving him
Next is I'm quite literal if I'm asked where I've been today I'll answer I've been in town, instead of me and partner went into town and we done xyz, to me ive answered the question they asked they didnt ask who I was with or what we done they asked where I was but he says that just shows I'm ashamed to be with him which I'm not if they then went on to say who where you with I'd say I was with him
He also complains we dont spend enough time together but we are together all the time, does it really matter if we sit together watching soaps or a film? We're still sitting together looking at the tv does it really matter what's on it? he says watching soaps is different to choosing a film and watching it together but mostly it's a film he wants to watch that I'm not enjoying anyway or he wants to play computer games that I cant play as I dont have the coordination and just get frustrated and angry so it's either I sit and watch him play which I find boring anyway or I try and end up getting worked up and we'll end up fighting dur to frustration
I spend all day following the social norms that are expected when I'm home I just want to be me but now I feel like I have to continue the act and its exhausting, when do i get to be me? I feel like I'm constantly acting constantly thinking what's the norm here? I'm just exhausted all the time
Reading this is just like looking at myself in the mirror . I am going to get relationship therapy with an autism psychologist because I am completely stuck with these problems. Maybe I will get some tips I can pass on.
I feel I might have to do the same as I'm at a loss as to how he can claim to love me but want to change everything that makes me me
I will try and be a bit more helpful today although I'm still struggling with this myself.
My partner thinks I'm really selfish because I have to have my own time and space and I avoid socialising.
With interests, I'm trying to find some common ones and do those more often. Bowling perhaps is both "doing something" and "having a beer"?
Is there a particular cafe or bar you like that is more acceptable?
I'm with you on cuddles , and what is it with the number of cuddles and texts !?! that too !! but I accept "lying in spoons" instead. Or being cuddled from the back instead of face to face. other alternatives: I found he likes little notes or love hearts hidden in his stuff or a bit of shoulder massage.
I will never sit and watch TV unless he chooses a specific programme that I like (there aren't many). I'm not going to vegetate in front of the telly. sometimes we listen to a radio programme while we are both in the room doing separate things. There are some great podcasts on the radio, some are comedy, interviews etc.
but all the same i'm failing 9 times out of 10 to implement my own advice as I get stuck in my work and don't come home until late.