Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not something I like to admit. But when I was a teenager due to severe issues with managing to keep friends and randomly finding myself having inappropriate reactions to things emotionally I found myself making a lot of stuff up. But I keep reading that autistic people don't or can't lie. This leaves me confused. What would happen was, I'd not respond to something socially or respond in some way that others found funny (to things that weren't jokes or anything) and then other kids would laugh at me and then sometimes that would lead me to cry because I was overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. Someone would then eventually come over and ask 'what's wrong?' and because I had no explanation I would end up saying something like, "My dog just died," Even though my dog hadn't just died. Sometimes I'd use a real dog that had died but had actually died years ago. Or I'd hear of someone else's problems and I'd lie and say I had the same problem. Because otherwise, I didn't have an answer for them for why I was upset other than, "I'm confused by everything and everyone and the world is too much" It meant that for a moment the person appeared as they understood me for a change, but they understood me wrong because I was lying. But they also didn't understand me when I didn't lie. But it meant it felt like they understood my sadness for a moment. Like it wasn't just some random reaction I had no control over but was something for a 'real' reason that could be 'explained' I grew out of my lying phase though. And though I did tell those lies, I also did have a problem with telling the truth at supposed 'inappropriate' times. Which was incidentally another reason I never managed to keep friends...I was just wondering if I'm the only one, (I have a feeling I might be).
I always lie about my feelings and just say I’m fine even though i don’t know or if I feel neutral. When I’m killing myself inside by hiding my natural self or just have a hard time I say I’m fine.
In terms of lying to gain something I can create a carefully planned lie that will work but a quick snappy lie is difficult for me.
What autistic people have difficulty with in lying is that we often believe everything we are told and now I’ve learnt that people lie I constantly think over in my head whether what people say is a lie or the truth.
It has problems in social situations as if a person says they like me the constant rejection I’ve faced in the past will make me think over for days whether they actually like me or if they were lying.
Can anyone relate?
I can relate. I constantly second guess other people now. But I'me in this cycle where I sort of punish myself and end up saying to myself, "Well serves you right for all your lies as a teenager" But yes I find it very hard to believe people who say they actually like me. And I find myself having to stop myself from asking for reassurance that they're not just saying that to be polite.