Being autistic - what to change, what can’t change?

It is eighteen months post diagnosis, for me, and I’m discovering that there are certain things about me, that really can’t be changed. And that there are others that can be changed, and some that can be worked on.

For example, I have the autistic trait of thinking that everybody thinks like me. That they all see, hear, smell, touch, taste etc etc etc and experience the world like I do. And for years, until I got my diagnosis, you couldn’t tell me otherwise.

I live in a damn castle, for God’s sake! Lol! A fairy tale princess castle! I live in la la land! Of course, it’s not la la land to me, but to other people, it mostly is, and I’ll be talking to a serious business man, thinking he lives in la la land as well! Lol!

It must be because I live in such a magical world, that I get away with it, most of the time. But even with the diagnosis, even with the awareness, that this is part of the autistic brain, and that it’s not true, it’s not true that everybody sees the world like I do, I can at best, be consciously aware of that fact, on a mental/intellectual level, but it’s not what feels true for me. But I can work with it, on an intellectual level, but I won’t always remember that, so like a compass, I’ll always go back to pointing north, and seeing everyone as equal, beautiful beings, just doing their thing, enjoying this life and enjoying the bumps along the way, picking up new tips and tricks along the way and just doing their best.

But there are things that we can change. Such as the horrible cyclic downward spiralling obsessive dark catastrophic black and white rigid thinking patterns. They can be changed. With knowledge, awareness, some tips and tricks and tons of persistence, they can be changed.

Then there are things that don’t cause too much hassle, such as taking things literally and not getting jokes or sarcasm. I can live with those things and some of them are even funny.

I don’t have a lot of contact with people, other than in set groups, such as church, autism group, work, that sort of thing, and the people there don’t mind that I don’t always get jokes. My son actually thinks it’s highly amusing :) it’s good when you can make your kid laugh, without trying!

I’m getting used to being me. Getting used to easing myself in to a relatively quiet life, but one that is filled with joy. I’m learning to live according to my nature.

Part of that is ASD, part of it is ADHD, I haven’t even begun to explore that side of things yet. Of course there is the avoidance and the ocd, as well, but I can work with them.

I accept all of me. I’m not trying to change me. There are a lot of benefits to having ocd and avoidance, or as my psychiatrist calls it, self care. With an adhd brain thrown into the mix, I need something to make me slow down and to take care of myself and avoidance makes me do that and ocd gets me organised. I accept all my little needs and quirks etc. And some of them I’m overcoming.

Such as, I’ve started to eat food that touches each other. I just decided to go for it, the other day, and it’s revolutionised my life. Honestly. I’m mad for it now. Eating all sorts of different foods, together, and touching each other! This is a major breakthrough for me, because of course, diet is part of our overall health and it’s helping me to eat more, even cold rice ~ WoW!

I celebrate these wins and focus on them, because this really is a big deal, to me. I may still be surrounded by ‘stuff’, my decluttering journey, is a slow one, but I’m getting there.

My first support worker, after I got my diagnosis, taught me to look at what I’m achieving and not at where I’m not or what I’m not doing. It’s taken me 18 months to learn how to do that. But I’ve managed it. I now celebrate, what might look like little things to other people, but to me, they’re massive. This is what I call autistic happiness.

And this evening I laughed, because true to what has been my form, I ate well today, but I never drank! I haven’t been able to marry the two together, so far. And that’s ok. I’m not aiming for perfection. One out of two ain’t bad!

Today, instead of giving myself a hard time for not drinking enough fluids, I gave myself a pat on the back, for eating well today and for accepting myself, just as I am, even if I didn’t drink enough fluids. I’m not trying to be perfect.

I’m building friendships. Real friendships. Based on my needs. Not other people’s. I didn’t think that was possible. Because I didn’t understand about friendships.

Life is a journey. It’s not the destination. I never used to understand that saying. But I understand it now and I think I’m starting to like it. The journey, that is.

I got a lot of support with the cyclic thinking, through watching YouTube channels of autistic people talking about it, sharing information and understanding and strategies of how to overcome it. Some of the tips are pretty straight forward, but honestly, applying them consciously, made the difference. Such as, deep breathing! Who’d have thought?

I’m not saying it’s easy, but there are things we can do to help with the darker side of autism. But how we do it will be different for everybody but if we open ourselves up to learning, in our own unique ways, we’ll find ways that will help us to stay more in the lighter side of life, and out of our rigid deep dark thinking pattens.

Somebody suggested distraction techniques to me as well, so I’m going to try those out and I just got the book somebody on here recommended, about autistic happiness, so I’m looking forward to finishing my course and diving into that one, as it has practical exercises to do as well.

I guess, when working out what to change and what not to change, it’s like the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change; 

Courage to change the things I can; 

And wisdom to know the difference.