Do you ever feel guilty?

I used to but I gave it up. Feeling guilty is destructive. I do the exact same thing you do with your parents, but the way I deal with it now, is that this is simply who I am, I accept myself and others either will or won’t and I reckon by now,  my parents have a good idea about what I’m like and they’re still talking to me so I guess they accept me as well.

If you really wanted to change it, you could. For example, by preparing before you go. Write out the questions you would like to ask, such as how are you, and simply be prepared to feel uncomfortable for the short period of time while you’re talking about them ~ with practice this will get easier. Then when that’s done, you can get right back into the business of being you and you can talk away with no guilt, about all the things you’re interested in. 

I think part of what threw me with this is I actually noticed. So in some ways now I'm looking at that really positively and thinking wow I actually noticed a social error without anyone pointing it out.

But in other ways I do care about my parents and I don't want them to think otherwise.

I think part of the problem was because I hadn't seen them for a while I'd stored up lots I wanted to say. I sort of forgot they also have lives that carry on when I don't see them.

Planning it more is a good idea.

A social error?!?! ~ that could be part of your problem. I don’t see me not asking how people are as a ‘social error’ ~ what the f**k is a social error? That’s wild, lol! I just see it as that’s the way I am.  I’m not that interested, in the main, to hear about other people because their lives generally bore me and I’m honest about that so I guess most people I know wouldn’t expect me to ask them how they are etc as they already know I think their lives are boring, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love and care about them, it just means I don’t want to hear about their boring lives as it winds me up trying to listen to them. My son gets upset by this but so what, I’m not in control of his happiness and if he chooses to get upset by the fact I hardly ever listen to him, so be it, that’s his problem, and it’s certainly not mine. 

Yes, I too have only just noticed that I never ask people how they are but so what, that’s me. If I really want people to know I care, and I think that asking them how they are will show that, I’ll simply plan to do that but never have I thought I was committing a social error. I don’t even know what a social error is. And if somebody is taking too long to tell me how they are, I’ll simply stop them and say I’m sorry, but this is starting to really wind me up and I’m starting to lose the will to live so I’m going to have to ask you to stop taking about yourself as it’s driving me crazy. And I’ve noticed that people ask how are you etc all the time and yet they don’t really want to know so asking those questions, in my opinion, isn’t the best way to show somebody that you love and care for them, although I’m sure my son would disagree! 

Couldn’t you send them a lovely card with some nice words telling them you love, care and appreciate them, then you won’t have to bother asking them how they are when you see them? You could also add that you are partly doing this as you have recently become aware that you rarely if ever, ask them how they are and you didn’t want them to think it was a sign that you didn’t care, because it’s not, it’s simply part of who you are. 

I need to learn to be stricter with myself. I set out with good intentions to do these things and then persuade myself they can wait till later. And then it ends up being a lot later.

That's what I was like and then I discovered, if I make little rules, I get things done. For example, I have made a little rule that I can't cook or prepare food, before I have washed any pots that are already there. Trying to have schedules or sticking to lists etc never helped, the lists in  and  of themselves help in that I just seem to feel better when I do them but it's the little rules that are helping me. And it doesn't mean I have to stick to them, if I can't or don't want to for any reason, that's perfectly ok and  is a triumph in itself,  being able to have a rule and not follow it and not give myself a hard time for not following it. So I'm just taking things slowly and it's a matter of trial and error but so far, the little kitchen rule is working really well. I got over ambitious recently, creating a few too many rules, and wore myself out very quickly, which was another nice reminder to take things slowly.

I probably need more rules to be honest. I'm not very good at getting the housework done or remembering to eat properly. I've tried to schedule these things in the past but I'm not very good at enforcing it myself. I do write lists. 

I couldn’t live without rules, I have rules for getting washed, dressed, eating, preparing food, exercise, literally everything, I literally couldn’t survive without them, I wouldn’t do anything I don’t think, except lay in bed all day and day dream or research my special interest at the time, I don’t think I could begin to structure my day without them and after a while, they become my routine but since burnout, I lost all my routines so I’m rebuilding them but in ways that better serve me now. I think my little rules probably help with ADHD and the PDA as well, not just autism, and lists, I make endless lists, although I rarely look at them, but making them helps, I think  rules and lists are probably a special interest

I don't really consider it a rule as I don't usually do it. Until my diagnosis I was happily oblivious to this kind of thing. With most people I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

I tend to think of things in respect of if I would be annoyed if someone behaved like that towards me so I try not to behave in that way to others. It's not always possible.

I get living by rules. My world is very black and white. But I don't think I have any solid rules that I have to live by.

It's probably just a difference in the way we see things. I create rules for myself to live by to help me get by and if I had that one, I would call it a rule, for example, I have a rule that I smile at everybody I meet and I be kind and try to bring love into their life no matter how I'm feeling and no matter who they are. I do forgive myself (since getting my diagnosis) if I don't manage this some times but it's not often because if I don't feel good and up to bringing more love into the world, I generally don't leave my house so that's why I called it a rule, because I live by rules, I wouldn't survive if I didn't, I have to have rules for everything, and I mean everything lol but I realise not everybody has to live like I do. 

Its not so much my "rule" as just how I feel. I guess you could call it a perception.

Oh sorry, I thought you meant it was a social rule - sorry, I don't know much about social rules and I just thought that you were saying it's a social rule that if people don't ask about other people it means they're not nice and that was why you were following it,  I didn't realise you meant it was your rule. Sorry, I'm getting carried away, I think my ADHD mind must be in full gear today, which it usually is after a period of time in bed. I've just spent a couple of days in bed violently throwing my guts up so the time away from all living beings always does me good but my ADHD mind usually kicks in at that point. I understand now, it's your rule but you don't expect anybody else to follow it. Sorry, you never said I wasn't a nice person, I just misunderstood you. 

Where exactly did I write that you aren't a nice person? I was merely explaining my reasons for wanting to meet that social expectation and that it isn't to do with wanting to obey a set of rules.

So I'm not a nice person then because I don't ask people how they are? I think my family and friends would disagree with you but if that's your measure of what a nice person is then go ahead, torture yourself and put yourself in uncomfortable situations so you can be a nice person.

It's not about sticking to rigid social rules. I generally don't understand a lot of social rules. It's about wanting to be a nice person.

I don’t expect anybody to put up with my endless talking, they either do or they don’t, and most don’t, and that’s probably one of the reasons why I don’t maintain friendships, but that won’t ever shut me up or make me want to listen to them. I’ve had enough years of trying to make myself like other people and it didn’t get me anywhere, and if anything, it was a waste of my life. 

I suppose if you want to think of yourself as a mistake or an error, that’s your choice, but I doubt it will bring you much joy, but if keeping to some imaginary social expectation or imaginary social rules works for you and you don’t mind feeling bad or guilty for not always sticking to them, then that’s your choice and that’s all good. We all make our own choices and nobody can say they’re wrong. 

I doubt anybody would ever be able to talk to me about themselves for an hour, unless I found them really interesting and inspiring, otherwise I would probably shut them up after 10 minutes max. My son and one of my good friends will do the same with me, and far from being offended, I’m very grateful they do, because I can’t tell when I’m boring the pants or somebody if they don’t tell me but I don’t see that as my problem or an error on my part, more like their lack of being able to be honest. I can’t help it if people aren’t honest. 

Just because I don’t ask about people’s lives, doesn’t mean I don’t care about them but it usually means that their lives bore me s******s, which doesn’t mean I love or care for them any less and if they insist, I will listen but it’s often painful so I’ll want a reward, such as they have to sit and listen to me for a solid hour or something

And to me, that doesn’t make sense, that you’re selfish if you don’t care about somebody else’s  life. I can’t work out the logic of that one. But not asking somebody about their lives doesn’t mean you don’t care (I’m my world view anyway)?!?!?! There are many many reasons a person might not ask you about your life and few of them will be because they don’t care about you, it’s usually because they are autistic or something similar or they have a lot on their minds or they’re upset about something. 

I respect the fact that you have these rigid social rules you have to stick to but if they make you feel bad, wouldn’t it be worth it to revise them? 

I don’t expect anybody to put up with my endless talking, they either do or they don’t, and most don’t, and that’s probably one of the reasons why I don’t maintain friendships, but that won’t ever shut me up or make me want to listen to them. I’ve had enough years of trying to make myself like other people and it didn’t get me anywhere, and if anything, it was a waste of my life. 

I suppose if you want to think of yourself as a mistake or an error, that’s your choice, but I doubt it will bring you much joy, but if keeping to some imaginary social expectation or imaginary social rules works for you and you don’t mind feeling bad or guilty for not always sticking to them, then that’s your choice and that’s all good. We all make our own choices and nobody can say they’re wrong. 

I doubt anybody would ever be able to talk to me about themselves for an hour, unless I found them really interesting and inspiring, otherwise I would probably shut them up after 10 minutes max. My son and one of my good friends will do the same with me, and far from being offended, I’m very grateful they do, because I can’t tell when I’m boring the pants or somebody if they don’t tell me but I don’t see that as my problem or an error on my part, more like their lack of being able to be honest. I can’t help it if people aren’t honest. 

Just because I don’t ask about people’s lives, doesn’t mean I don’t care about them but it usually means that their lives bore me s******s, which doesn’t mean I love or care for them any less and if they insist, I will listen but it’s often painful so I’ll want a reward, such as they have to sit and listen to me for a solid hour or something

And to me, that doesn’t make sense, that you’re selfish if you don’t care about somebody else’s  life. I can’t work out the logic of that one. But not asking somebody about their lives doesn’t mean you don’t care (I’m my world view anyway)?!?!?! There are many many reasons a person might not ask you about your life and few of them will be because they don’t care about you, it’s usually because they are autistic or something similar or they have a lot on their minds or they’re upset about something. 

I respect the fact that you have these rigid social rules you have to stick to but if they make you feel bad, wouldn’t it be worth it to revise them? 

I need to learn to be stricter with myself. I set out with good intentions to do these things and then persuade myself they can wait till later. And then it ends up being a lot later.

That's what I was like and then I discovered, if I make little rules, I get things done. For example, I have made a little rule that I can't cook or prepare food, before I have washed any pots that are already there. Trying to have schedules or sticking to lists etc never helped, the lists in  and  of themselves help in that I just seem to feel better when I do them but it's the little rules that are helping me. And it doesn't mean I have to stick to them, if I can't or don't want to for any reason, that's perfectly ok and  is a triumph in itself,  being able to have a rule and not follow it and not give myself a hard time for not following it. So I'm just taking things slowly and it's a matter of trial and error but so far, the little kitchen rule is working really well. I got over ambitious recently, creating a few too many rules, and wore myself out very quickly, which was another nice reminder to take things slowly.

I probably need more rules to be honest. I'm not very good at getting the housework done or remembering to eat properly. I've tried to schedule these things in the past but I'm not very good at enforcing it myself. I do write lists. 

I couldn’t live without rules, I have rules for getting washed, dressed, eating, preparing food, exercise, literally everything, I literally couldn’t survive without them, I wouldn’t do anything I don’t think, except lay in bed all day and day dream or research my special interest at the time, I don’t think I could begin to structure my day without them and after a while, they become my routine but since burnout, I lost all my routines so I’m rebuilding them but in ways that better serve me now. I think my little rules probably help with ADHD and the PDA as well, not just autism, and lists, I make endless lists, although I rarely look at them, but making them helps, I think  rules and lists are probably a special interest

I don't really consider it a rule as I don't usually do it. Until my diagnosis I was happily oblivious to this kind of thing. With most people I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

I tend to think of things in respect of if I would be annoyed if someone behaved like that towards me so I try not to behave in that way to others. It's not always possible.

I get living by rules. My world is very black and white. But I don't think I have any solid rules that I have to live by.

It's probably just a difference in the way we see things. I create rules for myself to live by to help me get by and if I had that one, I would call it a rule, for example, I have a rule that I smile at everybody I meet and I be kind and try to bring love into their life no matter how I'm feeling and no matter who they are. I do forgive myself (since getting my diagnosis) if I don't manage this some times but it's not often because if I don't feel good and up to bringing more love into the world, I generally don't leave my house so that's why I called it a rule, because I live by rules, I wouldn't survive if I didn't, I have to have rules for everything, and I mean everything lol but I realise not everybody has to live like I do. 

Its not so much my "rule" as just how I feel. I guess you could call it a perception.

Oh sorry, I thought you meant it was a social rule - sorry, I don't know much about social rules and I just thought that you were saying it's a social rule that if people don't ask about other people it means they're not nice and that was why you were following it,  I didn't realise you meant it was your rule. Sorry, I'm getting carried away, I think my ADHD mind must be in full gear today, which it usually is after a period of time in bed. I've just spent a couple of days in bed violently throwing my guts up so the time away from all living beings always does me good but my ADHD mind usually kicks in at that point. I understand now, it's your rule but you don't expect anybody else to follow it. Sorry, you never said I wasn't a nice person, I just misunderstood you. 

Where exactly did I write that you aren't a nice person? I was merely explaining my reasons for wanting to meet that social expectation and that it isn't to do with wanting to obey a set of rules.

So I'm not a nice person then because I don't ask people how they are? I think my family and friends would disagree with you but if that's your measure of what a nice person is then go ahead, torture yourself and put yourself in uncomfortable situations so you can be a nice person.

It's not about sticking to rigid social rules. I generally don't understand a lot of social rules. It's about wanting to be a nice person.