Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,I've had a lousy day at work today, for no real reason other than the usual tension I feel around people. At my work I'm in a warehouse with another colleague and we've had big arguments in the past and from the experience I find it excruciating to be around them - I feel tension from the moment he walks in the room until I and breath sigh of relief when he is gone. I find i have only a certain amount of tolerance for people and if I end up getting upset too often, i can no longer be open with them about anything - A strong case of Selective Mutism. I really cannot communicate with them in any measure, besides the minimal, mandatory words I need to express over the job itself.The problem is, I can never forgive! Once I've been pushed too far I simply cannot go back to conversing with that person in any manner. So as soon as I have this happen within a working environment it goes downhill and becomes a a very repressed place to be - Which I know I am the main offender in causing such an issue. It's just getting really bad now, tonight the feeling of being just run down and not wanting to be around anyway transitioned into home too - I'm finding just being around people to be very hard work.I'm still waiting on my diagnosis (Been nearly a year now) and I already feel I have plenty of social debilitations - Poor Eye Contact, Narrow Subject Matters of Interest, Confusion on jokes etc. In most of my working experience I can seem normal but the cracks soon begin to show and when it does that's where I struggle - Maintaining Bonds within a working environment is the hardest part of the job for me. It's got to the point where I have no faith in looking for further employment as I feel this problem will effect any future position I obtain.
Thanks for the responses - Sorry if i take a while to respond sometimes... my social anxiety is that extreme that I get anxious replying even...But I got through the week without any issues, but I find the night before the week of work head very anxiety ridden, I'm trying to tell myself that it'll be okay but I'm certainly not relaxed.Also, I've always struggled with the concept of working for a living - One part of me clearly understands the need, yet my feelings simply do not align or accept it, even after 3+ years of being at my current job. Everyone else seems to adjust to the working lifestyle, yet I really cannot wrap my head around the structure and always just feel sad about the amount of time I waste in life working for something I hold no value for.
That’s my feeling to. I have not worked in a job for 15 years.
The others who seem to cope better - they’ll be feeling like they’re wasting time too. Because they are - fuelling someone else’s ideas and strategy’s.