New here and still in shock!

Your experience really resonates with me as well but, on the good side, I've also found that once the shock wears off understanding what the problem is makes it easier to cope. I've found Tania Marshall really helpful - and professionals often need the differences between men and women on AS drawn to their attention.  Aspienwomen blog really made a difference to my understanding: Moving towards an adult female profile of Autism/Asperger Syndrome and Where are all the females with Autism or Aspergers hiding? Life As a Chameleon 

Fast_and_the_curious said:

I thought the way I thought was normal and somehow everyone was just succeeding at controlling their brains more than me.

This really resonated with me; I was exactly the same when I started investigating autism!

I also remember feeling very frightened that now I had finally (in my opinion) found what was causing my struggles, nobody else would believe me. Some GPs didn't (and I really hope that isn't the case for you) but after some time, I managed to get referred for assessment. Hopefully the letter from your psychologist will stand you in good stead. 

Best of luck with the appointment and let us know how you get on :-)

3-4 years wait? That is intolerable, ( consider writing to your MP-this is not plastic surgery we are talking about, this is stuff which governs our every waking moment and can have a devastatingly negative effect upon our entire lives-time to start banging on some doors!)

On a more practical note, if your MP is of no use, the only thing I can suggest is that you move to this part of Surrey-or at least get an address here to where correspondence can be sent and register with a local surgery. I am in Leatherhead and cannot praise them highly enough-I did have to wait 15 months though but that would be a more acceptable proposition that the one which seems to be on offer.

You should not feel guilty about going down the private route if that is your only option-you are spending money on course fees in an attempt to alter your life chances and I would argue that paying for an assessment amounts to pretty much the same thing, It is something to need to do in order to move on with your life and achieve your full potential.

I wish you luck-wish there was more I could do... 

Thank you, I understand that curing autism isn't needed and don't feel that way at all. I just thought I could cure my anxiety and finally fit in and manage everything like everyone else did. It's a bit of a shock to realise that no, the reason I struggle is a lifelong issue, but I am feeling confident that I can now overcome my anxiety issues by looking at them through an autism lens. However, I have also started to come to terms with the fact that I will never not be autistic and therefore there will be issues from living in a non-autistic world that I will always have to tackle. 

That is such a good analogy! I've used it a few times since I read it, it really sums up how I feel about finding out. It's not that I feel overwhelmed by being autistic, it's that I'm overwhelmed that the rest of the world ISN'T!

Thank you everyone for your replies. I thought I'd just add a little update!

Things have been going well although I myself am still feeling overwhelmed by it all, but accepting that it will just take time to settle in. I have gone to my guidance department at uni and had a thorough plan put in place for me. They were so understanding, it was weird having someone understand you more than you do yourself- I have always felt like no one got how my brain works! Each of my lecturers now get a copy of the things I need which cover lots of areas of information overload for me. If they do not follow my plan I now also have someone who will go in and advocate for me if needed. This is all just from me telling them I am seeking diagnosis. If I get my diagnosis I will then be eligible for DSA and can access more of the support like text to speech programs for my computer. 

I made an appointment with my GP but it's not til later this month. In the meantime I found out the wait for adults in my area is 3-4 years! Since I would like to get full support to finish the last few years of my degree (third time is a charm!) I've found someone who can do a private diagnosis before I start the next academic year. The cost is making me feel so guilty though, as if discovering I might have a disability and would like to get diagnosed is a luxury I shouldn't be splurging on...silly me. I will get over the guilt soon hopefully, and one day maybe my savings will recover too!

I have also been stepping back and noticing what's really making me anxious instead of before when I was going into my head trying to figure out what thoughts triggered it, I am checking my environment. I have said to my husband I feel like I'm becoming MORE autistic but it must just be that I'm allowing myself to admit that certain sounds etc are bothering me instead of suppressing the connection (because everyone else seems to be coping fine with it, so it must be something else!). My headphones are my new best friend and I've been using them as often as I need without worrying about looking weird. 

I feel like I've realised just how much energy I've been putting into being "normal" and it's a relief to start to let go of that. I've had some weird urges, like to hit and rub my ears when stressed, that I don't remember having in my life. Am I making this up? Or is this something I've suppressed and am only allowing myself to feel now? Who knows! 

Did anyone else find that as they let go of trying, all these urges came up that they didn't know were there? Did it make you feel like you were putting on being autistic? OR being "more" autistic than you ever were?

I've always known I'm different, just by how othere treated me or isolated me. People over the past few years have asked if I'm autistic, at first I scoffed at the suggestion. An autistic professional that talked to me at a bus station, left me feeling numb, in shock and questioning everything as my entire life flashed past me, things that had confused me so much in my life, began to make sense. I began to realise why others had thought me retarded, despite my intellectual loftiness. I had no idea that autistic people can also have good intelligence. Then as I explored this, I found admitting that I'm vulnerable very hard. I'd created this tough exterior that growled to keep bad people away, but when situations reached points where violence was imminent, the pretence collapsed and confusion set in, I struggle with violent situations and become very submissive. I've stopped with facades and have just accepted that I'm autistic and all of those defence mechanisms that I didn't mean to have, now stripped, the vulberabilities are amplified and I admit that this scares me. Being taken advantage of, led into situations unsuspectingly, etc. People are so friendly and I don't know when they are faking it or are being genuine. This has caused me to be suspicious of intentions in everyone and I'm scared to interact for fear of being taken advantage of. People touching me, even those I don't feel comfortable around and I feel unable to stop them. I also fail when it comes to seeking help, because I don't know how or who to ask. Efforts have been unsuccessful, you should talk to them, ah sorry,  but we don't deal with that, try over there or call this person. Being pushed around with no results or getting lost and confused with red tape discourages me. Only in my mid 30's was this autism brought to my attention. Interviews, I have done alone, but shouldn't have. Just because, there are signs of intelligence, you somehow aren't a vulnerable person that can be misled or taken advantage of. It came as a shock to me, admitting that I've got aspergers syndrome and have serious vulnerabilities. At least you are now aware and can do something lass.

I hope one day soon I can access support where I can understand more about what is going on and see if there are any measures that can help me cope more effectively with this. 

Hi Fast_and_the_curious & welcome. You're not alone here; what you've written is so familiar to many. For me it was like realising that everyone else had telepathy but no-one bothered to tell me. The cycles of shock, denial, acceptance etc. have recurred for me for 16 months now as I wait for my formal diagnosis (hope to hear in the next week or two). Like you, I have thought "no *wonder* I always hated X,Y,Z / couldn't cope with P,Q,R"

As for getting referred, the clinical bar to pass is a score of above 6 on the AQ10 (was for me anyway) - which is the 10 question version of the AQ50 you've already taken. Anyone who turns up at their GP with a self-compiled dossier of ASD-related test results and notes is presenting several red flags though and would be unlucky to not get referred! (it does happen though - in which case you can always ask to see another GP).

Good luck!

Welcome.  

I don't believe that you have top provide "proof" to your GP that you are worthy of a referral for an Autism assessment, you merely have to ask-but be as assertive as you need to be and do not allow yourself to be fobbed off, it did not happen in my case but I believe it has for others.

It sounds as if you are fully willing to embrace and explore your "condition" which is great, you have to be positive and it seems also as if you are young, energetic and intelligent so are very well placed to glean as many positives out of your new-found self-knowledge as is possible to find so, March On girl and hold your head up high-it won't all be good but use your positivity to see it as the adventure it most certainly is I am sure that you will be able to get the max out of your life I a\m confident that you are capable of harnessing a more than adequate proportion of your inner resources to make a success of things-I wish you the very best of luck.

Having said all of that, I am afraid that unless you seek a (hideously expensive) private consultation , you may be in for a long and arduous wait for your assessment as our cash-strapped NHS is creaking very loudly these days, in the meantime though , there are countless resources you can tap into to develop a deeper understanding of Autism/Aspergers and plenty of activities to get involved in with ASD groups so there is no need to feel isolated.

Get intimately acquainted with the real YOU and have a great life! 

Hi and welcome.

Hello, 

I've been through a similar experience to you. I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks all my adult life (I'm nearly 50) and always felt that something had happened to me to make me this way. I've seen various therapists but never really got to the bottom of it. I work with SEN children and a couple of years ago, I read 'Odd Girl Out' to help me from a work perspective and it resonated so strongly with me. To say the realisation that I could be autistic hit me like a sledgehammer is an understatement. I cried for two days making lists of why I felt so strongly I could be autistic. I also felt incredibly stupid after working with so many SEN children and not joining the dots. I saw my GP who barely glanced at my list before agreeing to refer me for an assessment. It took 18 months from start to finish but I finally received my report this week with confirmation that I meet the criteria for a diagnosis of ASD. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment or who to tell. I'm just sitting with it, almost trying it on until I decide my next step. I have found this forum to be supportive and informative so I'll continue to browse as I know lots of others understand what I'm going through at the moment. 

Hello, 

I've been through a similar experience to you. I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks all my adult life (I'm nearly 50) and always felt that something had happened to me to make me this way. I've seen various therapists but never really got to the bottom of it. I work with SEN children and a couple of years ago, I read 'Odd Girl Out' to help me from a work perspective and it resonated so strongly with me. To say the realisation that I could be autistic hit me like a sledgehammer is an understatement. I cried for two days making lists of why I felt so strongly I could be autistic. I also felt incredibly stupid after working with so many SEN children and not joining the dots. I saw my GP who barely glanced at my list before agreeing to refer me for an assessment. It took 18 months from start to finish but I finally received my report this week with confirmation that I meet the criteria for a diagnosis of ASD. I'm not sure how to feel at the moment or who to tell. I'm just sitting with it, almost trying it on until I decide my next step. I have found this forum to be supportive and informative so I'll continue to browse as I know lots of others understand what I'm going through at the moment. 

It was good to hear that the field guide to Earthlings helped you. I have just finished re-reading it and had forgotten some of it, so it was a great refresher exercise and I was able to see some things a bit differently than I did first time, now having the benefit of a couple of years of acquired knowledge and observation from a different viewpoint.

I want to reassure you that you don't need to be "cured". Life can be difficult for everyone in different ways. NTs can be bullied, ostracized from groups, and grieve over various losses in life - bereavements, divorces, estrangements, family feuds, etc. Some of them live their lives being told what to do by others, never having the will or the ability to make their own decisions. Many of them cannot learn independently, but have to learn in "lock step" with their group, having brains that screen out facts and ideas that are not accepted within their group. I think that's sad. It's ironic in a way that we are seen as "disabled" when we are in fact highly able. Able to examine facts without prejudice or group influence. Able to see details and make improvements. Able to sustain focus for long periods of time.

It's important not to be influenced by others and to have faith that you can make your own decisions. People tend to be influenced by those they see as "experts", those who are more dominant in their social groups, or "celebrities" they admire/ want to emulate. It's a bit pointless telling most NTs to make their own mind up about something - they may think they do, but their "mind maps" and behaviour patterns don't allow it. But we can, as long as we have faith in ourselves and really make objective observations and judgements, researching facts rather than opinions. You'll remember in the book the reference to how someone will want to visit a tourist attraction based on whether someone they know thinks it's the place to go. I would ask people who have been to a place what their experience was, but my decision to go or not would be based on  facts such as journey length, temperature, noise levels, how crowded it was likely to be, etc. I would also do my own research on the climate, food, architecture, fight times, transfer times, and types of accommodation available, before making a decision.

We all have great potential.

Thanks for the recommendations! I read the guide to earthlings over the weekend. It really helped, like, wow, I had no idea. I already feel like I can understand why people don't get me sometimes, as well as why I struggle with overwhelm in uni when it seems like others are getting it (even though many of my lecturers think I'm one of the smartest in class, they don't realise how much stress I go through trying to grasp things in the beginning - now I realise not everyone is seeing 20,000 details at once, they are seeing the forest first...makes so much sense!). 

I had a wee wobble a few days ago when I started to realise that I would never be "cured" whereas I'd always told myself someday I would get to the bottom of my anxiety and be "normal". That sucked. But I know that that was niave, and it's still better I know the full story so I can work on it from now on, than spend a lifetime trying to cure myself. I guess it's just grieving the expectation. 

I will go download the next book now!

Hi, Fast & The Curious. I haven't been on this forum for a long time, but on reading your post I wanted to share my experience with you as it seems quite similar to yours. I'm an Aspie female, and I found this out about 3 years ago. I was suffering with stress and depression caused by an incident at work and for some reason I remembered a tv documentary I had seen about Autism and started to wonder, so I did the AQ rest online and scored 41. Like you, I was in shock initially. Luckily at the time I had a GP who was a mental health specialist with knowledge of Autism and after discussing it with him he analysed my results and agreed with my self diagnosis. He offered me a referral for a formal assessment, but warned me I would not get any support afterwards as I am able to work. I thought about it and decided not to proceed, because I didn't see much point, but I did agree to the GPs suggestion of putting my results on my medical records. The referral decision is obviously a personal one though and many people feel happier having that 'formal' diagnosis. 

Like you, before I found out I thought it was just me, that I was too sensitive and not assertive enough. I  went on assertiveness and communication skills courses. I learned how to do presentations. But still I struggled with relationships, both at work and in my personal life. I knew I was bright and a creative thinker, so why didn't I do well at school? I  always tried to be friendly and polite, and not say anything to upset people, so why did it feel like I had no real friends apart from my husband? Learning about Autism answered all these questions for me and I've been much happier since.  

The two books which helped me most were: "Am I Autistic? A guide to autism & aspergers self diagnosis" by Lydia Andal and "A field guide to earthlings - an autistic/asperger view of neurotypical behaviour" by Ian Ford, both purchased  on Kindle. The field guide to earthlngs explains how neurotypical (non autistic) brains work, which has helped me understand the differences between how their minds work and how mine does, and has improved my work relationships.

All this learning has also helped me understand my own needs, which I often overlooked in my struggle to fit in and conform to social norms. I successfully negotiated a decrease in my working hours and now ensure I have some time on my own each day to read or play games, to wind down and escape from the pressures of work and the travelling there and back on the bus. I value my individuality and have really finally become more assertive - each year I thank my colleague who arranges the works Christmas party for the invitation but let her know that I will not be attending. She knows I'm an Aspie and accepts it. I haven't made any secret of it, but I don't talk about it much these days - I don't let it define me, it's just part  of what I am. I love being different now though - it's actually brilliant.

All the best with your own journey.

hello and welcome!

Hi Fast-and-the-curious :) that first realisation is really mind-blowing! I think I've read on here it takes a good year or 2 years to really accept it. I only realised I was autistic last year after a few life events made me really question why I struggled so much. Sometimes I feel happy about it, for example knowing I'm not going crazy, knowing there are genuinely other people like me, and understanding more about how my brain works so I can keep one step ahead almost. But I still get very down about it too sometimes realising that all the things I struggle with won't actually get better with practice, which is what I was previously told. It's a bit of a rollercoaster to be honest but I guess I'm still learning about it and coming to terms with it. These forums have definitely helped me though (I have been posting a lot I figure people are going to get sick of seeing my posts soon) but just having somewhere to vent is nice :)

Congratulations on the discovery. It seems like you are feeling positive from this knowledge. What you are saying sounds consistent with autism. Good luck with your GP appointment!