Published on 12, July, 2020
Ive been with my partner for 3 years. Slowly he has distanced himself from me affectionately. He no longer cuddles kisses or puts his arms around me. Sexual encounters he shows no love or emotion just the need to do it. He has been diagnosed aspergers so how he is all falls into place. I support him but i get nothing back in return. I love him but i feel more his carer than his partner so my feelings for him are changing as he is so distant. I dont want to end the relationship. Do i continue as we are knowing it is how the condition affects him and accept the feeling of no love towards me?
No, I don’t think you can carry on as you are. That would end in disaster. But that doesn’t mean you have to give in.
It is how he is. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but he does need to learn how to show you affection. I recommend a book called the Five languages of love ~ you can do the quiz here ~ https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
It will show you both how you like to give and receive love and it will open up a dialogue to discuss it further and from that, you can both work on showing each other more love in ways that makes sense to each of you.
My daughter in law told me the other day that she wants more affection from my son. I said you have to tell him what you want because he has been brought up by me, who doesn’t give affection. And even though I bought her the above book, she hadn’t read it yet or done the quiz but they’re going to do it. So that will make a world of difference.
My autism worker brought this matter up with me, I didn’t mention it, but she’s going to do some work with me around this, because she and everybody else thinks I shouldn’t write off relationships for the rest of my life. She’s excited and confident she can help to open me up to the possibility of meeting somebody and what I should expect from a relationship etc.
I’ll never be able to show affection like most people do or even tell somebody I love them, but I know from what I’ve already learned, that I could at least learn enough to show affection to my partner in a way that meets their needs, if I ever got one. So I know he’ll be able to (your man), it’s like most things, some of us need more tuition than others. For example, we had to be taught how to read, write, ride a bike etc. This is no different and it’s particularly important for people like myself, who don’t show affection naturally. You just might have to be a little patient and give a bit of guidance now and again, but in the long run, you will both get your needs met. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for your relationship, so it’s definitely worth the effort to make it work and the book will definitely help.
Thank you. Ive just done the 5 signs test and will get my partner to do it also. See how we are alike or differ
Oooo that’s great. Please let me know how you get on. I’ve just started to re listen to the book. I thought I had better re read this book seeing as how I’m recommending it! It’s good to reread many many times as I tend to find something different each time.
And it makes no difference if you are the same or different, just that you both understand each other’s so you can both express and show love to each other more easily, and after a while, it becomes like second nature.
I also recommend ‘non violent communication’. You can get the book but there are also loads of YouTube channels of this guy teaching his work. It takes practice, like most things, but it’s soooooo worth it. Even I can learn it, even though it’s taken me way longer than my fellow students and I still haven’t got to grips with it, but I don’t rush myself, I just keep dipping in and out of the videos and the book and practising and over time, I know I’ll be a more loving, compassionate and understanding communicator.
Have fun and I hope you let me know how you get on. The quiz is good but the book will give you more detail.