Putting yourself under pressure (work)

Hi all,

It's over a year now since I suffered a major burnout leading to long term sick, and since I've returned to work I've been taking care of myself by not travelling and really carefully managing my sensory environment & keeping away from hubbub (lots of conversations etc.). My self care has worked really well, and I've feel that I've discovered "normal, healthy" levels of stress for the first time in my working life (healthy levels of stress for *me*, at least).

Now that I'm looking like I've recovered from burnout and I'm starting performing at 95% again, I can feel myself coming under pressure to start attending meetings in person again and travelling again. Before my burnout I was flying into Europe alone maybe every month and just feeling important rather than stressed. Now I'm very wary about returning to what everyone else will see as normal.

I don't know what I'm asking others here for - maybe just sympathy & to tell me that yes, I need to look after myself and not put myself under pressure.

By the way, one of the things I'm *really* mindful of is giving an inch and being expected to do a mile.............

Parents
  • With me, as soon as I felt even a little bit ok, I would rush back to getting things back to where I was before the burnout. But that was pre diagnosis. So I’m learning from that and I’m getting good at it and I’ve learned the art of baby steps, knowing my limits and being able to pick up on them before I get overloaded. But it’s been a process which has taken me a good year to get to grips with. 

  • BlueRay, could you please explain in more detail how you find your limits? I'm really struggling with the whole "keep calm and carry on" attitude at the moment, and I can't seem to turn it off.

    I'm typing this while I should have been at work, I phoned in sick this morning even though I'm not really all that ill, I'd normally have just taken a paracetamol and got on with it. But it's more emotional than physical, and the place I work isn't very sympathetic about that sort of thing. I explained to the manageress that I was struggling and wanted to reduce my hours a couple of months ago, and although I was able to do that, she has been distant towards me ever since and looks at me differently, sort of puzzled and on guard, I think.

    I'm actually worried that I might be close to some sort of personal crisis, because I've been through bouts of depression my whole life, but never anything quite like this. The closest I can describe it is like being smashed to pieces on the floor and kicked to all corners of the room, with no plan for how to put myself back together. The things I normally do to calm myself aren't working very well. I feel bad about asking for help right now, and even feel bad about feeling bad about it. My inner voice is still telling me not to be such a wimp. How can I make it shut up?!?

  • I’ll try OrinocoFlo.

    I got to a point in my life where I could feel I was starting to loose it. And slowly(ish) but surely, I came to a full stop. Commonly known as burnout. 

    But I think that while many people have heard that term, they don’t really understand it. I wasn’t in a deep depression or anything. Or maybe I was, but because I don’t recognise emotions, I wasn’t aware of it. The best I can say is I simply stopped functioning. 

    It was amazing and I particularly loved the longest part, which was indulging completely, in my autistic nature. I was swimming in it. Eating it. I was it and I loved it. 

    After a good year or so of this. I realised, my god, this is the best thing in the world. I simply love, more than anything else, to be at home, completely by myself, not getting washed or dressed, unless I felt like it. Not eating or drinking, unless I felt like it. I learned to live off solpodeine max tablets, smoking, chocolate and the occasional shop bought sandwich and packets of crisps. It was wonderful. Going to sleep when I wanted to. Waking up when I wanted to. Sleeping for weeks at a time. My son wanted to celebrate when he told me I needed to move. Because I did what he said. I moved from one settee to the other. And it was great. The change was good. My next big move was going over the road to visit my elderly neighbour! 

    I realised, that there is nothing in the world I love more than being at home, researching and reading, writing, and drinking delicious cappuccinos while smoking my head off! 

    And at the end of that beautiful period, all my blood results and normally ridiculously low blood pressure, were perfect!!!!!!! That has never happened before. So I know we don’t get healthy by the food we eat! Even my vitamin D levels were up and the doctor said, in fact they were the highest he had ever seen!! How do you get that from two years in bed?!?!?!?

    So, after realising that there was nothing better in the world than being home, alone. I also realised that I wasn’t made to live like that. If that were so, I’d be living in a cave somewhere by now. So I realised I had some purpose here. As soon as I realised I was autistic, my life changed. Instantly. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. That I am a human being afterall. I thought I was an alien from a different planet, before the diagnosis. Dropped off here without a clue what I was doing and with no brothers and sisters. So naturally, I never felt like I belonged and therefore that I didn’t have a place here, let alone a purpose, I didn’t even think I belonged here so there was never a question of what’s my purpose. 

    But when I found out I was autistic, aka a human being, everything changed. I knew I was a human being, which meant I belonged, which meant I had a place here, which meant I had a purpose. 

    I knew my purpose wasn’t to sit in my room all day, like some half animal, blissfully happy, but reliant on others to feed me etc. I also knew that whatever I was here for, it had to give me supreme joy. As much as sitting in my room does. Because regardless of how we think we got here. I know we are here to enjoy our time here. So I knew that there must be something else out there that I would love, just as much as sitting at home. And that’s what I set out to find. Starting from zero. 

    And how I found my limits. This is how it happened. I realised, through close and careful observations (not judgements) that even putting a stamp on an envelope to get it ready to post, was a full day’s job, at least. Even after it got its stamp, it could still take days or weeks or even never, to make it to the post box. 

    It’s like I found my bliss, although I knew that, that bliss (sitting at home) wasn’t my future. Not all of it anyway. I want to be able to at least feed myself, provide for myself financially etc and have as much money as I need to do whatever I want and when I want, but I wasn’t prepared to compromise on that bliss, not even an iota (whatever that means, lol). So if posting the letter feels like a strain, or something I have to do, or like something I don’t want to do, then I don’t do it. But without any judgements of any kind. If a judgement comes up. I work on it. For example, my mind will tell me I’m lazy, or it will ask, what’s wrong with you, or it might throw other judgements at me or statements to scare me, such as you’ll never work again etc etc. So I put them on paper and deal with them. I’ve mentioned on here what I use, many times. And one of my favourite techniques is Byron Katie’s ‘the work’. I use this technique successfully with myself, friends, clients and strangers (friends to me). I use other techniques as well. But this is a great one for questioning our thoughts and particularly our judgements. 

    I do not keep calm and carry on. I keep calm by stopping what I do. Regardless of the consequences. I don’t care what happens from the actions I take, so long as those actions are aimed towards looking after me. I have even missed job centre appointments which, by rights, means I should have lost money, but I never. And I think it’s because I didn’t care. I am focussed on building a solid foundation from which I can begin  to build a life, in which I can be happy and thrive, and I won’t compromise on this. I guess it’s also a matter of what you’re prepared to give up as well. 

    It’s like I have a pre diagnosis life, which I see now as my adventure to finding out who I was. The aboriginals call it going on walk about. The bible calls it being in the wilderness. All the great faiths and religions etc, have a description of this. And when I found out who I was, i.e. a human being, an autistic one, I started my new life. Which is of course going to look very different to my old life, because in my old life, I didn’t know who I was, I was still searching. But now I’m not. I am still discovering new things etc, but that’s all part of this life, my new life. I’m not searching, I’m discovering, there’s a difference. 

    It’s like now. I’ve just started this new course and I had planned on catching up on it this morning, as I’m behind already and we only started week 2 yesterday. But when I got up, I got a text message to say I’m at the hairdressers this afternoon. That’s a big deal to me. So although I could do both things, do my course work this morning then go to the hairdressers, it would be too much for me. Because I know that, I will make the decision to either go to the hairdressers or do my course work. Well I only go to the hairdressers every 18 months or so, so I decided I have gone to the effort of making the appointment etc so I’ll go there. And leave the course work for now. I can catch up the course work another day, and if I can’t, I can’t. I don’t worry about such things anymore. If it means I can’t finish the course, so be it. It wouldn’t be the first course I didn’t finish and the world won’t come to an end. Even though it is my next step on my journey to getting back into work, but so what. It’s just a step.

    Through continual effort of using the techniques I found and being fully committed to me and my wellbeing, I have learned, over time, by trial and error etc, what my limits are and I will only go beyond them for something really special ~   and there has been nothing really special so far. This is building a strong foundation, built upon the anchor the diagnosis gave me, which I never previously had. So I work on the techniques, on me to build self awareness so I can create a life of joy that exists beyond my room! 

    I now do this for a living. I help other people to break free       of their limitations etc to discover they can live their life any way they want. 

    I don’t know if any of that helped, or if it’s even clear enough. But please feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever. You sound like you’re in a similar place to what I was in, a few years ago. And don’t get me wrong, I have been in some really dark places over the course of the last few years. That’s how I found this site. I was suicidal. There have been many downs, but to me, they were simply part of the journey, and I don’t dwell on them once they’re over. I dwell more on the wonderful, freeing self discovery’s etc that they lead to. For example, my relationship with the guy who was a narcissist, lead me to discover that I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did, so how can I ever be sorry about that relationship or look at with with anything but undying love and gratitude. Without that relationship I may still be living in total ignorance of the fact that I didn’t love or accept myself. And there’s no way you would be in a relationship with a narcissist if you loved yourself so that’s how I found out I didn’t love myself so I will always be grateful to that relationship, as hard as it was at the time.  So often, our best moments come from our very worst experiences which then enable us to live in gratitude instead of anger and resentment ~ both states bring their own fruits. If a person lives in gratitude, the fruits are more reasons to be grateful. If a person lives in anger and resentment, their fruits will be more reasons to be angry and resentful. That’s just the way the world works. It’s the law. :) 

Reply
  • I’ll try OrinocoFlo.

    I got to a point in my life where I could feel I was starting to loose it. And slowly(ish) but surely, I came to a full stop. Commonly known as burnout. 

    But I think that while many people have heard that term, they don’t really understand it. I wasn’t in a deep depression or anything. Or maybe I was, but because I don’t recognise emotions, I wasn’t aware of it. The best I can say is I simply stopped functioning. 

    It was amazing and I particularly loved the longest part, which was indulging completely, in my autistic nature. I was swimming in it. Eating it. I was it and I loved it. 

    After a good year or so of this. I realised, my god, this is the best thing in the world. I simply love, more than anything else, to be at home, completely by myself, not getting washed or dressed, unless I felt like it. Not eating or drinking, unless I felt like it. I learned to live off solpodeine max tablets, smoking, chocolate and the occasional shop bought sandwich and packets of crisps. It was wonderful. Going to sleep when I wanted to. Waking up when I wanted to. Sleeping for weeks at a time. My son wanted to celebrate when he told me I needed to move. Because I did what he said. I moved from one settee to the other. And it was great. The change was good. My next big move was going over the road to visit my elderly neighbour! 

    I realised, that there is nothing in the world I love more than being at home, researching and reading, writing, and drinking delicious cappuccinos while smoking my head off! 

    And at the end of that beautiful period, all my blood results and normally ridiculously low blood pressure, were perfect!!!!!!! That has never happened before. So I know we don’t get healthy by the food we eat! Even my vitamin D levels were up and the doctor said, in fact they were the highest he had ever seen!! How do you get that from two years in bed?!?!?!?

    So, after realising that there was nothing better in the world than being home, alone. I also realised that I wasn’t made to live like that. If that were so, I’d be living in a cave somewhere by now. So I realised I had some purpose here. As soon as I realised I was autistic, my life changed. Instantly. For the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. That I am a human being afterall. I thought I was an alien from a different planet, before the diagnosis. Dropped off here without a clue what I was doing and with no brothers and sisters. So naturally, I never felt like I belonged and therefore that I didn’t have a place here, let alone a purpose, I didn’t even think I belonged here so there was never a question of what’s my purpose. 

    But when I found out I was autistic, aka a human being, everything changed. I knew I was a human being, which meant I belonged, which meant I had a place here, which meant I had a purpose. 

    I knew my purpose wasn’t to sit in my room all day, like some half animal, blissfully happy, but reliant on others to feed me etc. I also knew that whatever I was here for, it had to give me supreme joy. As much as sitting in my room does. Because regardless of how we think we got here. I know we are here to enjoy our time here. So I knew that there must be something else out there that I would love, just as much as sitting at home. And that’s what I set out to find. Starting from zero. 

    And how I found my limits. This is how it happened. I realised, through close and careful observations (not judgements) that even putting a stamp on an envelope to get it ready to post, was a full day’s job, at least. Even after it got its stamp, it could still take days or weeks or even never, to make it to the post box. 

    It’s like I found my bliss, although I knew that, that bliss (sitting at home) wasn’t my future. Not all of it anyway. I want to be able to at least feed myself, provide for myself financially etc and have as much money as I need to do whatever I want and when I want, but I wasn’t prepared to compromise on that bliss, not even an iota (whatever that means, lol). So if posting the letter feels like a strain, or something I have to do, or like something I don’t want to do, then I don’t do it. But without any judgements of any kind. If a judgement comes up. I work on it. For example, my mind will tell me I’m lazy, or it will ask, what’s wrong with you, or it might throw other judgements at me or statements to scare me, such as you’ll never work again etc etc. So I put them on paper and deal with them. I’ve mentioned on here what I use, many times. And one of my favourite techniques is Byron Katie’s ‘the work’. I use this technique successfully with myself, friends, clients and strangers (friends to me). I use other techniques as well. But this is a great one for questioning our thoughts and particularly our judgements. 

    I do not keep calm and carry on. I keep calm by stopping what I do. Regardless of the consequences. I don’t care what happens from the actions I take, so long as those actions are aimed towards looking after me. I have even missed job centre appointments which, by rights, means I should have lost money, but I never. And I think it’s because I didn’t care. I am focussed on building a solid foundation from which I can begin  to build a life, in which I can be happy and thrive, and I won’t compromise on this. I guess it’s also a matter of what you’re prepared to give up as well. 

    It’s like I have a pre diagnosis life, which I see now as my adventure to finding out who I was. The aboriginals call it going on walk about. The bible calls it being in the wilderness. All the great faiths and religions etc, have a description of this. And when I found out who I was, i.e. a human being, an autistic one, I started my new life. Which is of course going to look very different to my old life, because in my old life, I didn’t know who I was, I was still searching. But now I’m not. I am still discovering new things etc, but that’s all part of this life, my new life. I’m not searching, I’m discovering, there’s a difference. 

    It’s like now. I’ve just started this new course and I had planned on catching up on it this morning, as I’m behind already and we only started week 2 yesterday. But when I got up, I got a text message to say I’m at the hairdressers this afternoon. That’s a big deal to me. So although I could do both things, do my course work this morning then go to the hairdressers, it would be too much for me. Because I know that, I will make the decision to either go to the hairdressers or do my course work. Well I only go to the hairdressers every 18 months or so, so I decided I have gone to the effort of making the appointment etc so I’ll go there. And leave the course work for now. I can catch up the course work another day, and if I can’t, I can’t. I don’t worry about such things anymore. If it means I can’t finish the course, so be it. It wouldn’t be the first course I didn’t finish and the world won’t come to an end. Even though it is my next step on my journey to getting back into work, but so what. It’s just a step.

    Through continual effort of using the techniques I found and being fully committed to me and my wellbeing, I have learned, over time, by trial and error etc, what my limits are and I will only go beyond them for something really special ~   and there has been nothing really special so far. This is building a strong foundation, built upon the anchor the diagnosis gave me, which I never previously had. So I work on the techniques, on me to build self awareness so I can create a life of joy that exists beyond my room! 

    I now do this for a living. I help other people to break free       of their limitations etc to discover they can live their life any way they want. 

    I don’t know if any of that helped, or if it’s even clear enough. But please feel free to ask me for clarification or whatever. You sound like you’re in a similar place to what I was in, a few years ago. And don’t get me wrong, I have been in some really dark places over the course of the last few years. That’s how I found this site. I was suicidal. There have been many downs, but to me, they were simply part of the journey, and I don’t dwell on them once they’re over. I dwell more on the wonderful, freeing self discovery’s etc that they lead to. For example, my relationship with the guy who was a narcissist, lead me to discover that I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did, so how can I ever be sorry about that relationship or look at with with anything but undying love and gratitude. Without that relationship I may still be living in total ignorance of the fact that I didn’t love or accept myself. And there’s no way you would be in a relationship with a narcissist if you loved yourself so that’s how I found out I didn’t love myself so I will always be grateful to that relationship, as hard as it was at the time.  So often, our best moments come from our very worst experiences which then enable us to live in gratitude instead of anger and resentment ~ both states bring their own fruits. If a person lives in gratitude, the fruits are more reasons to be grateful. If a person lives in anger and resentment, their fruits will be more reasons to be angry and resentful. That’s just the way the world works. It’s the law. :) 

Children
  • Oh yeah, I know that place, in between diagnosis. I was fortunate that the wait wasn’t too long but as you say, you have to work with what you’ve got. And to be honest, for me, the moment of enlightenment, if you like, was in the actual asking for the assessment. That had the biggest impact on me because it showed me that I was trusting my instinct and honouring it. 

    Yes, our inner thoughts are full of BS. One guy in AA said he’d worked it out. One part of his brain was churning out BS and the other side was believing it! 

    If you want some help with it. Check out Byron Katie. I’ll post some good clips if you want but you can find loads on YouTube. You can also access her work for free, on her website, with full instructions and free ‘therapists’. It’s a priceless tool which helps with sorting the BS from the rest. 

  • Thank you, I really appreciate your advice. I seem to have a lot to work through, and it would be easier to take time off to do it in, so I can concentrate. I can see the need to make some significant personal space.

    I have had a "revelation", at about 3am last night, because I have realised that the anger I mentioned earlier really is directed at me (thank you, Gary Numan), because of all my years of stupid blunders and mistakes and missed opportunities, all of which I was beating myself up about. I'm in a bit of an awkward position in that I am still awaiting an official autism diagnosis, and my inner voice is saying "but what if you haven't got it, it means this self analysis is based on a false idea and therefore pointless". (I'm beginning to believe that my inner voice is sometimes full of s**t, and not reliable.) I probably have more than 2 years still to wait for my NHS assessment, so self diagnosis will have to do for now. (It was enough for me when I first came onto this website,)

    Best wishes