Female with autism feels masculine rather than feminine

I am a female with autism. Something that I have felt most of my life is that I feel more masculine than feminine in my inner self however outwardly I definitely look feminine such as makeup and I do my hair etc but inwardly I feel and see myself as more of a male. Has anyone experienced this? 

  • This is me - I used to stand there staring for a few seconds to work it out but now I go up and touch it, which sends my mind off on a reel though because rarely are the signs in Braille!!! I’ve thought for a long time about learning to read in Braille. I prefer to touch words than read them with my eyes and it surprises me how little Braille there is on public notices etc. I think it’s time we moved towards lots of different forms of communication to be available for all. For example, most of the time I would prefer to use sign language or Braille. I’ll start with sign language first though, I think and in the meantime, I’ll continue to try to keep out of the men’s toilets! ;) 

  • I struggle to recognise toilet signs if they are only pictures and not the words. I have been caught out a few times by accidentally walking into the men's! Lol 

  • Hi. Gender and sex was something that seemed off to me the 1st time I found out what they really mean. Its always been clear to me (for me) that gender is my socially constructed self and my sex is whats between my legs and does not dictate my behavior. Now My sex is male but I've identified as (more) female from about the age of 8. I still look like a hairy old man but and I did make a conscious decision over the years to 'learn' male and be 'male' to fit in but my self image is not what you would think by looking at me (I'm generally considered to large and intimidating much to my amusement). A few more steps to the left on the evolutionary tree and we would all be able to change sex at will to one, the other, or anything in between. 

  • Sorry I just wanted to add I don't "feel" feminine but I also don't "feel" masculine either. I'm just me. My family always ask when I'm going to get married, and not considering all the misogynistic history behind marriage for a second, I don't want to get married because I don't see myself as a bride or wife. I'm just me, I don't want to be a wife to my husband. We are equal partners. Now civil partnership I can understand and when that's allowed for heterosexual couples me and my partner have agreed to do that. But not marriage. We are partners, not husband and wife. 

  • Thank you extraneous. :) I've always been told "you're not a proper girl, are you?" because I wear men's clothes (although I wouldn't call this cross dressing, I don't have a desire to look like a man, I just prefer the quality and cut of men's clothes) I've always preferred "male" activities such as army cadets when growing up, or weight lifting now. But then I also know how to sew and cook. Why do things have to be viewed as "masculine" or "feminine"? Why can't I just be me and do what I want to do? And in answer I do do what I want to do but it's always met with questions, especially from family, like ''you'd look so much nicer in a dress, why are you trying not to be a girl?" Also, is anyone else confused by toilet signs if they have no words? As in, if it's just the male/female icons it takes me a few seconds to work out which one I'm supposed to use. Maybe that's just me being weird. 

  • The thing I like about these boards is that the only social rules seem to be kindness and tolerance. This all sounds fairly familiar to me - including problems around sensitive skin and makeup - I used to spend a fortune on hypoallergenics when I was young, then I grew in confidence a bit and stopped wearing cosmetics altogether. I'm most comfortable in leggings and a tunic of some kind and this is where I revert after each 'experiment' in trying to make people shut up about my gender - I now realise that no-one is ever going to shut up about my gender or social identity in general so I've reverted to leggings and tunics probably permanently. I don't think I like clothes at all, I prefer to wear something that sort of 'disappears' from the senses as much as possible - I always wear hypoallergentic and stretchy fabrics or loose tops.

    I don't think anyone's suggesting that this is is at the core of a definition of AS - just that it often goes with AS and at a different order of experience.

  • Hahaha my mother dumped me at brownies then my sister was in the guides, so I went with her as soon as old enough - they wanted to teach me how to wash up and clean shoes - I was baffled that I would go to a club to do exactly the chores my mother made me do at home and where I already had a high level of competency. Anyone who can't wash up or clean a shoe by the age of 12 baffles me, a social space organised around tedious chores baffles me even more. I wanted to learn knots and orienteering and go camping. I never went to guides again.

  • I totally sympathise with that - sorry I was sharp but I've had years of people telling me disapprovingly I'm 'like a man' and years of confusion trying to work out what gender I ought to belong to and just went off on one. Finally I noticed that people constantly complain that my performance of gender is 'inconsistent' - I finally realised I'm just me, gender is someone else's fantasy - I really don't give a &*^% about it. I can cook, upgrade RAM and set up a Linux server, sew perfectly well etc. These are simply things that need doing not badges of gender identity in my view. I have none of the communication skills women are supposed to have, I'm logical and analytical which seems to offend many NT men. I wear dresses one day and men's clothes the next and everyone complains that I 'change' my identity all the time. My trans friends will kill me for saying this but I do think there's an element of medicalising square pegs and chopping them into round holes (that accidentally sounds a bit dirty!) It's all NT power games IMHO.

  • I don't know where you got the impression from that I know a lot of answers? I thought I was asking questions to gain a better understanding of what was being said so I could participate in the conversation?  I didn't think I was giving answers?!?!?

    Anyway, if you're asking about how to develop the skill of the art of conversation, then I would approach it like I would any other skill that I'm learning. 

    First of all, what is your learning style? For example, do you like to learn in a classroom environment or do you like to learn from the comfort of your own home? Do you learn from reading or listening to a book? If I know a bit more about your learning style I can point you to some good resources. 

    Yeah, I guess that's the thing with masking, when we're being dishonest, it's easy for people to interpret us in a way we never intended. This happens even when we are being honest, but I think it probably happens more when we're being dishonest. 

  • What's futile? Is this related to a different conversation? 

  • Out of interest how do you propose i go about getting help? You seem to have lots of answers perhaps you could tell me.

    I subconsciously hide it in the way in which i naturally am. (For example a smile or laugh here and there which happens automatically when i dont know how to respond. This could be construed as"sweet" for example when in reality the purpose of this is to mask.)

  • Like I said before, this is futile.

  • Stopping hiding it would be a good start at getting better at it. You could then get people to help you. Otherwise how are you going to learn if you hide it? How can people help you if they don't know you need help?  And if you have accepted it, why are you hiding it? We usually only hide the things we think are bad, the things we can't accept, don't we? 

  • I don't really want to be a girly girl. That's why I said it's like a childlike dream kind of thing. It's not that I want to be one, because how could I be?   I'm not one. But I can appreciate and admire those who are and enjoy a little part of it by thinking about it in my mind sometimes. 

    But no, I definitely don't want to be one and if you knew me in person, you would realise that I would never be a girly girl, even if I wanted to be one and even if I tried ~ I could pull it off but it wouldn't be me. I'm too far out of the box, as one woman said recently, to fit into any known category! Lol! 

    You can't change who you fundamentally are, but you're not, fundamentally a conversation! The art of conversation comes naturally to some, but for most people, it's a skill that they learn, practice and perfect, over time. Usually over many years. 

    So if you refuse to accept that you're not very good in the art of conversation, you can do something about it. You can say, I may not be very good at it but I won't let that stop me from learning the art. You could say, I do not accept that limitation about myself, I will learn the art of conversation and override it. If you simply accept it, at best, you might get a little bit better at it but you will always be rubbish at it because that is what you have accepted. Water rises to its own level, as they say.  

  • ASMR is something that people experience. It's relatively common amongst autistic people but it's not something that only autistic people experience. 

    There are thousands upon thousands of meditations and if you haven't found even a single one that you like, ASMR  might not be your thing either. But it's worth checking out. 

    As with meditations, there are many ways to enjoy asmr. It's a kind of tingling, or nice feeling you get when you hear certain sounds or go through certain role plays. I love the role plays and I love tapping. But I only discovered it last year, so there will be loads I haven't tried yet. 

    If you have access to YouTube, just type in ASMR and try a few out. They work better with headphones. Many autistic people get a great deal of benefit from listening to it. I do and I've always loved the tingles, before I ever knew what they are, so now I have them on tap. And even if I don't get tingles every time, I still feel relaxed, listening/watching them. 

    Let me know what you think if you check it out. 

  • Just as you dream of being a girlie girl, i dream of being able to participate better in social settings. Im sure you are accepting of who you are still, even though you dream of this.

    When you say about "not accepting it and try learning the art of conversation" why should i not accept it? I cant fundamentally change who i am. I just dream of being able to socialise a bit differently (better?) but know that even with practise i will fall short.

    I bet most people wouldnt notice this of me. I think i hide it very well.

  • I've never heard of asmr. But I hate meditation. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. It definitely doesn't relax or destress me.

  • I leave it to others how they want to bring up their kids, but I would never align myself with a society that pushes stereotypes at the cost of developing individuality. Just because most of the people in society do it, it still doesn’t mean it has to be your reality. It’s not ‘we’ as a society, if you don’t agree with it. It’s, this is what the society I currently live in, pushes, but I don’t and neither do lots of other people in the society.

    I can’t remember saying someone hadn’t understood, but I definitely wouldn’t have been saying someone was wrong. I don’t think that way. 

    Yeah, I get tired from social interaction. I’ve started to listen to asmr and guided meditations more often, which are really helping. And one day, I’ll be back to my usual meditation, but the guided ones are helping. 

    I particularly like the loving kindness meditations. Do you listen to asmr? 

  • You said she hadn't understood. Which leads me to believe you thought what she said wasn't right. Therefore wrong.

    I meant we as a society not any particular individuals. I just don't think children need guidance in what they should play with or wear. I just think it should be their choice whether they are a boy or a girl. I'm going to leave the stereotype thing there. This conversation has exhausted my brain.

  • Nobody has said anything about anybody being wrong. I simply experience the world in a different way to most people, so I often require a different explanation of what’s being said, or for it to be said in a different way which I can understand. 

    Maybe that’s another comment section where somebody said someone was wrong. Lol! I think it’s all getting a bit muddled up!