This is something I've always puzzled over... even back as a child. Yet, I've only recently begun to get curious as to whether it's an autistic thing, or just me. So, who better to ask than you wonderfully resourceful individuals?!
It concerns the idea of 'me'. Constantly looking out at NT's, it's always struck me as odd the complete, utter and rigid faith they have in their own sense of self. They say such things as:
"I'm a right character me!"
"I'm a good person."
"I deserve more... I deserve that promotion / marriage / expensive car etc"
"I want a baby"
"I'm confident / intelligent / switched on / funny etc"
For me, individuals are all things at some point in their ever-fluctuating lives. But for NT's they seem to feel whatever they're saying or self-identifying with as absolute, irrefutable concrete 'truth'. They seem to posses a sense of self and inner confidence that I both fear and envy.
A good example of this is their names. I of course have a name. But, whilst I use the name 'Evan' for forms and social interaction, it's never felt like 'me'. To me, it's an label used for convenience, but I don't feel attached to it. Yet discussing this with friends, the topic came up because of one transgendered person who changed their first name, so I asked if the cis-gendered NT's would ever consider the same. They seemed completely aghast and affronted by the idea of changing their first names. Several of them admitted to disliking their given name, but said "... but it's still me!" They disliked the name that was randomly assigned to them decades ago by a complete stranger (i.e. their parents they had only just met after being born), yet still saw that name as intrinsically 'them'. To me, that seemed strange. Personally, the name of 'Evan' is considered like a piece of clothing... a superficial layer. There's no significant attachment to my name. I honestly have no idea what my 'real' name is (maybe that's just the Buddhist in me talking).
Another thing that undermined this 'dissociation' of mine concerns being diagnosed as autistic. I really had no clue. Nearly four decades had passed on this sweet earth without my having the slightest inkling that I was autistic. So, receiving the diagnosis came as a devastating and utterly unexpected blow. Whilst I'm (slowly) coming to terms with that now, the longer-term negative effect is that it's completely undermined my sense of 'self' - of any assuredness or confidence in my own resources, traits or being. After all, who can be that stupid and naïve to have absolutely no idea they're autistic?! How can I claim any sense of self-ownership about any aspect of me when I didn't even know something so utterly profound? (and now, with hindsight and education, seems so blatantly obvious)
Ultimately, I don't know what my character is. I'm bemused by who I am. I don't trust my self identity. I question and double-guess everything I do. My real motivations make me suspicious of myself. I don't have any idea as to what my self worth is... what I inherently 'deserve'. I can't tell you (like others seem to) just what sort of person I'm attracted to. I have no ambitions or goals that I'm aware of (other than my habitual stress-evasion).
I am a complete mystery to myself.
So, I thought I'd check in with you fine guys n gals to see if anyone else experiences this 'schism'?
Do you know who you are?...
I know exactly who I am.
I know my motivations, my tastes, my desires, my hates, my loves.
I accept myself.
I do not fit into this NT world.
I know we say 'nt' world, but you do know it's not 'their' world don't you and we have as much right to be on this planet as they do and that we are just the same as them in that we're all human beings, so in Truth, it's not 'their' world. And no, of course we don't fit into the nt model of society, that's why it's our responsibility to create our own way of living etc so they can benefit from our minds and we can benefit from theirs.
You say you know who you are but you speak only about your motivations, likes and dislikes etc, so are you saying you're essentially a body of flesh and bones and a mind with no spiritual nature? I'm not saying you're wrong, by the way, just incase I'm not clear on that, I'm just interested to know if you do just think you're a body and a mind.
It IS an NT world. We are a tiny minority - you can kick & scream all you want, you can claim to be spritual and demand your place - but you ain't going to get squat. NTs do not care about anything 'different'. Some people on here appear to just be treading water in their life and whinging about it or claiming they are peace with it all. I don't believe it.
I know what I want and I'm taking steps to get it.
I don't live in an nt world and I wouldn't be here (meaning alive) if it wasn't for nt's. It was an nt who referred me for my autism assessment, an nt who conducted my assessment and gave me my diagnosis and it was two nt's who have been supporting me ever since. So I am eternally grateful to nt's.
I don't mind being different, I've accepted my diagnosis which means I think, see and experience the world differently to most people, nt's as well as autistic people, and that's perfectly ok.
Why would you think people on here are not telling the truth?
And what do you mean that I'm not going to get squat? I have no idea what you mean. It seems to suggest I want something from life, which I don't, so I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Also, don't you think it's a bit of a long shot to say all nt people are exactly the same?
I love that you've got goals ~ I've got them for the first time in my life this year. What are your goals? I'm curious to know what your goals are when you don't even feel like you belong on this earth.
So NTs selected you to be told you don't fit in their world?
I know exactly the environment I need and I should be ready to go in a couple of years.
Things are being put in place so I can remove all stress from my life. I can create MY world.
That's what I did, I removed all stress from my life and created my world according to my needs, now I know what they are.
And no, nt's didn't select me but they gave me the diagnosis which was my rubber stamp that I do have a place on this earth, that I do fit in, that I do belong. Prioit to diagnosis, I didn't fit in because I didn't think I belonged here, I thought I was an alien from a different planet but as soon as I found out I wasn't, that I was a human being after all, I've never felt out of place since.
Come on then, tell us your goals, don't keep us in suspense? It sounds like you're going to another planet seeing as how you think this one belongs to nt's. I travel the world and some countries are definitely more autism friendly than others. Bali, for instance, is very autistic friendly. In fact, I'm sure that island was built by autistic people, and they're different from all the other Indonesian islands.
All I'm looking for is low stress - UK will do for me - I can cash-up and downsize and move to somewhere much quieter.
My brother lives in the country - too far from civilisation for me - but I'm looking something similar but probably near mid wales borders - away from most people with the ability to do my own thing.
I want a house with a very large garden and surrounded by fields - I have many outdoor hobbies.
@blueray @plastic you're both right in a way, but not in the literal way.
As far as we know, the human race only inhabit one world, so Blueray is right that there is effectively only one world. But Plastic is also right in that because ASD people are currently a relatively small minority, the world is organised around what works for the majority - i.e. norms.
I think is it harder for us to find our place in the world, because norms don't generally make opportunities that readily suit us, but as I think I've said before, everybody has the problem of trying to find what they perceive to be their place in the world. For some people it's easier, for some people less so. For some people that's less of their focus and for others more so.
Yeah, I think that’s it in a nut shell. I wish I could write in nut shells! Even my text messages are billions of words long!
You need to be careful otherwise you'll end up with COBOL fingers!
That’s hilarious where do you find this stuff? My little grandson did ask me one day why my hands were so small ~ maybe I’ve already got it!
I had a misspent yoof...