Published on 12, July, 2020
Wasn’t sure if to write here or not but I am hoping for some advice.
Whilst I was going through the diagnosis process i kept coming on here and have read over and over again how getting diagnosed has helped in some way and how others were worried they wouldn’t get diagnosed due to NHS not diagnosing in the area. I guess I am one of the lucky ones as I was diagnosed very quickly and this is why I feel so bad.
There seems to be so many people looking for a diagnosis and I have one and don’t serm to be happy. I have been trying to look at the positives but I feel very negative about the diagnosis and am struggling to cope. I am wanting to know if anybody else’s does or has felt the same.
i am sorry if my complaining is frustrating for those who are wanting a diagnosis I do realise I have been lucky
I have felt like killing myself, several times, after getting my diagnosis and felt mortified, humiliated and utterly distraught at many more times.
These occasions usually followed a huge enlightening moment. For example, I remember being delighted that I could view my behaviour in the way many others (nt’s) viewed it. Then I was not only mortified and humiliated but I became suicidal as I realised, that just because I was now aware of it, it doesn’t mean I can do anything about it. And what would it mean if I could? Would it mean I never speak again?
It’s been a very up and down journey and I’ve had to dig deep and anchor in and the diagnosis enabled me to do that. Pre diagnosis I at best didn’t have a clue what I was doing and at worse, I was driving people away and hurting myself in the process. It was very confusing and I had no anchor point. I didn’t even think I was a human, because I had never met anyone else like me.
But slowly, but surely, with a tremendous amount of support and education from the people on this site and the wider site, reading books, watching YouTube videos, getting support workers and putting my trust in them, the people at my autism group and giving myself the time and space to come to terms with it, I have, but not only have I done that, but I have also come to accept it and love myself because of it or in spite of it.
It’s been a little over 12 months so far and I think I’m at a turning point but I’m also taking the next 12 months (or as long as is needed) to work out how I fit into the world, now I know who I am. And my first quest is to work on my health and fitness and building relationships at my autism group and finding things to do that I enjoy and find fun. I’ve got a lot to learn but I will make sure I take my time and enjoy every step of the way.
I honestly never expected the roller coaster journey post diagnosis, I didn’t see it coming at all, but I can see now that it’s been a necessary cleansing and learning process as well as one of discovery and falling in love, with me :)
Pre diagnosis I at best didn’t have a clue what I was doing and at worse, I was driving people away and hurting myself in the process. It was very confusing and I had no anchor point. I didn’t even think I was a human, because I had never met anyone else like me.
Wow. That is so similar to how I felt pre-diagnosis. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently!
I'm happy you've managed to take so many positives out of your journey. I hope the future holds lots of good things for you
It’s taken me a year and a lot of support and encouragement to come to that way of living, but it has also highlighted the ADHD and if I get a prescription for Ritalin and it does for me what it did the other day, then I’ll be flying, but I’ll still keep it at the snail pace. Because I witnessed for myself, what my mentor had been teaching me for years (and I couldn’t get it) that when I did less, I really did achieve more and with much less stress and effort.
So I’m in no rush to get the Ritalin because I want to see what I can do without it first but I think it will come in handy with work and study. But health and well being comes before work and study, so one step at a time. It really was a struggle for me to be this way, but now, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I'm a big believer in snail-pace improvements, I think it's a good way of doing things!
Thanks PokermomGoAddict and yes, the future is now what I make it, now I know who I am and I’m no longer running away from me or trying to find me. This next year though is all about being focussed on my health and wellbeing etc and building a solid foundation on which to grow the rest of my life. And these days, I take life at a very slow pace indeed so it might take longer than a year, here on the snail trail ️