My marriage is failing.

So sorry for you both.  Was there any common ground in 25 years?.  Think on to when you first met and be very honest with yourself.  Was it a perfect match?.  Love hurts but sometimes moving on can bring happiness also.  Our son has had several relationship breakdowns and so much sadness but right from the start his third relationship worked wonderfully he has finally met a woman who is truly on the same planet.  Look at your children as a fabulous gift that both of you have got out of the relationship.  I have depression from time to time due to my parents appalling relationship , but no matter how much I may feel about a turbulent up  bringing I have been created and have two wonderful children.

Me and my wife don't share any interests, we're quite different. We like different things on TV, we like different films, she hates reading and I love it, she hates games and I love them. But we share the same values, and we show our love for each other. We've been married 14 years and she says she's the happiest she's ever been (and some of that has been because of my autistic ways of looking at the world, she finds that can be helpful).

I read a lot so I'd recommend some books.

When we had tough times, I read a chapter a night to her of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". She liked that we were spending time together, it didn't take up too much time, and it helped her understand our roles better in the marriage. That definitely helped both of us, and helped her see the marriage from my perspective.

The other book was "The Five Love Languages", which I've posted about elsewhere on this forum. Again, read her a chapter each night, it's a nice way to wind down at the end of a busy day. My wife is also self-employed so I do really get how busy she can be, so instead of feeling rejected that she goes to bed early, plan together to have 15 minutes sat in bed together before she turns out the light whilst you read to her. She will appreciate you making time for her even when she's tired.

Neither of these books touch on autism at all, but they are helpful for two people in a relationship. There are also books about autism and marriage which might help. I read one by a lady whose husband is autistic, and it's about the life they have together with 3 kids, and how she copes. I don't remember what it was called, but the main takeaway is that she recognised her husband was autistic so she had to change the way she viewed the marriage, and what her expectations of a happily married life were - and she realised that it's okay for her marriage to be different to all her friends' marriages. Unfortunately I can't remember the author and my online library account only lists my last 128 books :) But a quick search of Amazon shows Maxine Aston appears to be prolific on writing books on autism and marriage/relationships. You won't have a "normal" marriage, so don't expect to have one. Have the one that works best for you both together, and maybe reading the books together will help you both find what your marriage can be like.

Hope these suggestions help. Let us know how you get on.

Hi Joe I'm in my late 50s, female and I have been married for 10 years. I was diagnosed with ASD four weeks ago. My first marriage ended badly - I can now see the impact ASD had. I am determined to do everything I can to avoid this marriage disintegrating.  

The psychologist who diagnosed me explained to us both how easy it is for miscommunication to happen in a marriage. She gave us useful diagrams explaining stress and crisis management, and showing how easily anger and depression can result from sensory overload. 

We went to Relate for the first time the other evening but that went badly. Ironically we ended up having a huge row when we got home. We are now looking for a counsellor who is more aware of how autism affects our communication. 

Seemed to me reading what you wrote you must be absolutely exhausted - self-soothing and recharging batteries is vital for autistic people. Balancing time together and time apart is also vital. 

I realise you are not diagnosed yet, but it may be helpful to start adapting your life anyway. Reducing stress, avoiding meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout will improve your relationship with your wife and help your marriage to thrive. 

It is so easy for the fun to get squeezed out of a relationship by stress and strain. We then forget the things that connected us in the first place. 

I am using a workbook called Living Well on the Spectrum to understand myself better. It is good because it highlights strengths as well as problems associated with ASD. 

The book is explaining to me why I sometimes misinterpret things, see things negatively and assume the worst. It is making me feel so much better! 

If you can work out the cause of your mental distress and start to tackle that, I am sure your relationship with your wife will improve enormously. It is likely to have a lot to do with autism.

Your wife must be exhausted too. Finding a way you can both take the pressure off yourselves is probably the key to enjoying each other's company again. 

Whilst treats and meals out can lead to temporary improvement more fundamental changes in the way you live your lives may be needed to give your marriage a strong foundation for the future. 

It can be hard work doing all this, especially when autism messes with communication, but keeping a marriage alive is worth fighting for. 

Wishig you both all the very best. 

Thanks. It was my fault the lunches stopped. I got anxious about choosing a venue and plans changing one day and said I didn't want to do it for a while. We went out last month though so I think we'll get back into the routine. 

I dont mind winter but I have a drink/addiction issues which I find difficult at this time of year. 

Thanks Dan. I haven't actually been diagnosed myself. I had an initial assessment a year ago and got put on the waiting list for full assessment. Twelve months later and I'm still waiting! 

Hi Joe, I can't really add much more than Plastic and Ellie, other than to say it does work. I had a huge breakdown 3 years ago that nearly broke my marriage, but it's the little things that can make the biggest difference just trying to find some time to watch tv together can help you reconnect. It was actually my wife who suggested I was autistic and I ended up diagnosed 2 years ago. If you both want to make it work you will make it, just don't give up on each other. Don't get me wrong we still bicker about whose turn it is to load the dishwasher and the stupid things but it doesn't escalate. Being able to tell each other when you aren't feeling mentally great is a big thing because of the trust it shows.

Keep going 

Dan

Thank you! It certainly seems a very supportive space from what I have seen so far. 

Can you think of a reason why the lunches were suspended? These things can slip and before you know it you get out of the habit, and then it can be hard to make time for them again. Your work schedules certainly do make it more difficult.

If you find it easier to write things down to communicate I would absolutely do that, because you will at least have certainty that your wife knows what you are thinking. And if you see things worse than they are she can reassure you before your mind runs away with you. My husband was impossible to pin down, he hated talking and used to walk out when I tried to have a calm conversation, and eventually I had to accept that if only one partner still wants to try there is nothing you can do. 

When our kids were younger we had a 'bathroom book', a cheap little notebook where everyone could put down their complaints about the day without fear of reprisals. It started when they were small but actually came in very useful when as a teen one of them self-harmed due to serious anxiety, he couldn't talk face-to-face but we had nightly written conversations (we had a separate notebook which he kept safe in his room but would lay on a bookcase outside his room for me to find).

Do you find winter harder than summer? So many people suffer from a seasonal depression which lifts with the lengthening days, and that can exacerbate everyday difficulties too.

Glad you're feeling a bit better. Best of luck to you both!

Hello and welcome! I haven't been posting on here for long myself. Seems like a nice little community though.

Thanks for the advice. She does like a massage so I've got that on the Christmas list. We try to meet for lunch once a month as well but we've let it slip a few times.

We are both committed to trying to stay together. As you say communication is important and something I really struggle with. I have quite a bit going on mental health wise too. I probably see things as worse than they are. I'm a bit more hopeful now than I was when I started this thread. Writing things down and getting feedback has worked so thanks to you and Ellie and Plastic for the kind words. 

Hi

I've been lurking on this forum to learn more about how to help a friend of mine as he is on the spectrum and has very little support, but your post prompted me to register so I could reply to you. I'm not sure how useful you'll find it, but your marriage sounds like it may be heading the same way as mine went, so I figured it was worth a shot.

One problem you may have is that women in particular, used to be discouraged from doing anything that rocks the boat, and that includes hobbies. My husband of 30-odd years would have to think very, very hard if he had to tell anyone what I like doing since he always decided what we did when we first got together. I was so happy to spend any time at all with him, so even going for drives (which he loves and I loathe since I get car sick and hate him speeding) was better than not spending time with him, so if that was what he wanted to do I used to go along with it. He still thinks I like going out for drives, even though within minutes I would go very quiet, having to concentrate on not being sick. Needless to say I decline the offer these days.

If you want to surprise her with something, can you think back to when you first met and got together: what did SHE like doing then? What hobbies did she have at the time, ones you maybe didn't share? If prompted that way my husband remembers I used to ride a lot, I even trained as a Riding Instructor so I could ride clients' horses before and after work since I never had the money to have one myself. If you can find something she used to do for herself and get her something related to that, that may go down better than an unrelated surprise gift.

I agree with Ellie that writing things down can be very helpful, and if you frame it that you cannot think of all these things in face-to-face conversations, since she knows what issues arise from ASD she should be understanding.

The main problem is that both work at different times and go to bed at different times, so communication is even more important. Don't give up hope, if you both want to make it work, that is the single most important thing!

You don't say how old your kids are, but I assume they are not very young anymore. It is very easy when you are the one caring for them and they are young to get so bogged down with their constant requirements that you not only lose the connection with your partner but even with yourself, if that makes any sense. A meal out away from kids, as Plastic suggests, may be welcome, but if she goes to bed early maybe make it early enough so she gets to sleep at the normal time? 

If she's around daytimes in the week, why not treat her to something like a massage/pedicure? Something to make her feel better about herself - a little treat.

We don't email each other much. I think I will give that a go. 

The spending quality time issue is one that frustrates me. I feel I get rejected because my wife works at weekends so goes to bed early. Actually she goes to bed early every night. Because she is self employed she very rarely takes time off. I have to use my leave to fit in around her.

I just don't think we share the same tastes in what is fun any more. I've bought tickets for gigs and I feel like I'm dragging her out. I like playing games but she's not interested. Ive passed her books to read but she's not got time. Guess I'll keep chipping away at it but I'd love to find something we were both passionate about. 

Modern life creates huge pressures within people and normally your only vent is at your partner. It gradually shuts down any positive communication. It builds a dread of going home because you don't want the conflict.

Do you e-mail each other for mundane daily stuff?

Why not send a short e-mail saying what you feel about her - keep it very positive - do not get into negative things - a bit like the classic love notes tucked into the purse. Surprises are nice. Do you do flowers for her?

The written stuff means you have time to construct it properly without sticking your feet into your mouth. It also gets over the anger barrier that can stifle face-to-face conversations.

Are you able to get rid of the kids for a weekend so you have some quiet evenings together? - do the simple stuff, meal out, cinema - do the teenage dating thing (most people remember their teenage years as the years before the weight of the world landed on them).

Inject some fun.

Yes we both want to make it work. It just feels like we're losing the battle at the moment.

I write quite a lot, for myself as much as anything. It's good therapy and useful to look back on too. I did write a load of stuff down yesterday but it's all quite raw and emotional. Haven't shared any of it and not sure if I will. Maybe I'll re-draft it.

Thanks 

Down time is a big issue. Its what set me off at the weekend actually. I work full time and my wife works at weekends. It feels like we've got no time for each other.

I've no idea what we both want from life to be honest. It's not the type of thing we ever talk about together. We're both in our own little bubbles I think. 

Does your wife want things to work out going forward? Do you know?

also, have you thought about writing things down re how you feel if verbal communication gets you muddled?

best wishes

Ellie

Hi - I feel for you - we've had lots of problems too.

Do you know the source of all the stress - often it's not having any down-time to decompress from the hassle of life and usually, money worries.

Do you know what you both want out of life? What is your ideal destination? What are you aiming towards?

People can get so wrapped up with doing the rat-race and trying to beat the Joneses that they can't take a step back and re-evaluate the whole plan.