Published on 12, July, 2020
OK, so I'm hoping you can help.
I have just had a conversation with my son regarding his plans for Christmas. He lives alone and prefers to be in his own environment.
For ages I've been trying to pin him down on what he wants to do. I am his mum and myself and his step dad have been asked to my Husbands family on Christmas Day. The last two years we've not gone and stayed home with my son coming for a couple of hours over dinner which is all he could handle. He doesn't get on great with his dad, step mum and step brother so rarely wants to spend time with them even if they do offer.
I've always only ever wanted what he can cope with and what makes him happy. He shows no interest in the festivities and honestly usually complains through it.
Despite this I've asked him to give me a decision before the end of next week so that I know what to buy and where my husband and myself with be. It was like pulling teeth.
I was sensitive to his needs, gave him limited options and explained we are OK with however he wants to do it but I need to get a decision soon.
He got angry that he felt pushed (I've been gently mentioning it since Nov so it's not like it's a surprise) and then he got upset. He apologised and said it's not my fault. He just finds the whole thing stressful. I understand that. It's lights, Christmas films, good changes, the noises etc which us why we keep it to just us and him. We don't bombard him with extras and he stats as long or short a time as he wants.
Anyway, I told him not to stress and that I don't mind what he decides, even if it's just that I go take his gifts and a dinner to him. I don't mind if he wants to be left alone (I will worry but that's what mum's do). I don't mind if he just comes for the meal. I just need to know.
I have honestly kept the choices as easy as possible. He us almost 30 do i cant just tell him. Besides he'd only be miserable if I did.
What else can I do? Am I doing this wrong? It's making me sad that I feel I'm failing him. I wish I knew what he needed. I've hopefully reassured him it's OK to just say what he needs.
I wish I was better at all this.
Decisions can be difficult for ASC. He may want to please you or spend time with you but know that it is stressful for him. Maybe write down the choices for him and tell him again when you need the decision by. He might get angry initially but he should calm once he's had time to process it all.
I personally like Christmas but for me it has to be the same every year. I don't like the idea of my Christmas routine changing.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not doing anything wrong. You're trying to support your son the best way you know how. Sometimes our thoughts over things are not rational and it's hard for us to make sense of them. Just keeping being a good mum to him and it'll work out.
Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. I've just spoken with family about it. I don't think they understand that its not the actual decision he will come to that I will have a problem with. It's the fact he can't decide at all. This leaves me uncertain of my plans. I was reminded of his age and that he may want to make his own decisions. I want him to make his own decision but it isn't that easy. I honestly don't mind if he needs to be at home or if he is with us. Its the practicalities. Food shopping, letting other family know if we can go there or not.
Ive just stood in the shower and sobbed quietly.
I will write the options down for him and see if that helps. I just didn't want to seem like I was telling him what to do. I'll keep the list and the next time I see him I'll maybe offer him the list depending on his mood.
Thank you again for replying.
If anyone else has any advice I'd love to hear it.
How many choices are you giving him? I can understand that you want to make sure it's right for him but I find a choice of lots of options too much. I prefer to pick from two. Could you break the options down? For example start with do you want to spend Christmas day with us or alone? If he manages to make that decision then give him the next option. Just an idea, we are all different, but that would be easier for me.
Definitely 2 choices. If I'm given 3, it fogs up my brain and I can't make the decision, it becomes really difficult. But, 2 choices is fine, it's either/or, makes it much easier to fit into my brain space! It's like I have enough space to hold all the data for 2 choices, so I can make that decision a lot more competently, but when it gets to 3, there's not enough room to get it in there and I have to start juggle it around, then I get confused, then I have to start again... and so on. Choosing between 3 things is a nightmare because it's much harder to compare 3 things like-for-like to work out which one is the "right" choice. Autistic thinking is very much binary for me: yes/no, right/wrong, like/dislike. There's no grey space in between these things.
And make sure you explain why you need the answer by a specific time, so you can buy all the right amount of foods etc. There's nothing more frustrating than someone picking an arbitrary date just to force a decision, but if you have a good logical reason, state it because he might not realise why you're imposing a specific date.
Does he prefer routine, and planning ahead? It might help if you plan ahead with him the order of what will happen, like a timetable. Like, you'll be picked up at 12, dinner is 12:30-1:30, the film is 1:30-3:00 and then we'll take you home at 3. Having someone make a timetable can be a good strategy, because he will know what to expect and he will feel more in control, and thus less anxious. If you do a timetable, make sure you stick to it! If you can create him a routine for the day that works, this can become his Christmas Day routine and you can use the same for next year, and it becomes easier the more you do it. A bit late now for this Christmas, but you could also do the same routine on other days of the year, so he gets used to it. Have him over on the third Sunday of each month or something, using the routine. When Christmas comes, he's used to it.