Mental turmoil and newly self-diagnosed

I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis. 

Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t  KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too. 

Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis? 

Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.

Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.

Parents
  • Thank you Beaky8401 and Nowhere Mat. You both mention that other people suggested you might be Autistic before you considered it yourselves. No one I know would even remotely condider me Autistic, I’ve even asked a few and they were shocked I even considered it. But I scored highly on the Autism Quotient I took online and my field of expertise/interest is Psychology/therapy/behaviour, even from a young age, so I think I’ve trained myself to be/appear understanding, to make minimal social faux pas and to pass as more neurotypical. I say all the right things, I know what to say to make people feel better, and I definitely am highly empathic.

    I’m most scared of pursuing a formal diagnosis, and not being diagnosed. Then I’ll feel like I’m not Autistic, so what could possibly be the reason for me to feel like this? At least being Autistic would be an explanation. I just worry that I’m getting my hopes up and when I finally meet a specialist, I’ll hear a big fat ‘nope’.

  • I'm scared of 'failing' at the diagnostic too, even though I'm very confident that I am in the spectrum after all I've read, the test I took, the opinions I got from persons who worked with Autistic people. I've been very good at passing for many years but it all broke down piece by piece when the weight of events in my life became unbearable. The reasons why I'm scared now is because I am highly distrustful of the world that surrounds me, including doctors, lawyers and any part of society that has the privilege to manipulate my fate and place in society in any way. That's because of very bad experience I made throughout my life and am still making to this day. This is also why I seek an exchange of support in a forum like this, where everyone is approximately on the same level.

  • I didn't think I would pass my diagnostic assessment, even though I was totally convinced.  As it turned out, my assessor was in no doubt whatsoever.  At the end of the interview, she said 'I'll be writing to you in a few weeks with my findings - but I can tell you that I'm sure I've seen and heard enough to know it will be positive.'  Just be yourself.  They know what to look for.

  • Yes, I've also been advised to go privately by a friend. Possibly will do that. Specially if they ave me waiting 2 years for an appointment, which I've also heard to have happened.

  • Process and time varies from area to area.  Mine was a shade over 2 years from initial referral to finally getting the letter.  This is why some people choose to go privately.

  • I'm confident. How long did it take in general? I heard it could take 2 years or more.

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