Goodnight, and Good Luck

Hi Tom, I've only just read this thread. I'm so sorry about your grief and the pain of it all. I've been thinking about my dad more lately and wondered how you and others in the community who've been bereaved were coping with it all. Sorry you're having such a hard time.

I've bumped my car more than once - even a little bump can be traumatic.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks.  Still more fragile than I give myself credit for, though.  When I drove back from the surgery, I found a parking space outside.  I pulled up and indicated to parallel park.  I went into reverse.  Then I heard a loud beep, and 'BANG'... I ran into a car that was following me and hadn't realised what I was doing.  I simply hadn't seen it in my mirror.  I pulled around the corner and got out.  The other driver was an older woman.  I was shaken to bits by then.  She could see the state I was in - I was almost in tears - and said forget it.  The only damage was to her car - a cracked number plate.  I offered to pay for it, but she wouldn't have it.  It shook me up so much though.  I'm still shaking over it now.

Glad to hear you're feeling more positive.

I saw my GP.  She's lovely.  She gave me a 2-week certificate, though I won't actually need it until next week.  I'm planning to go back next week, anyway.  I don't want to be off for longer than I need, and I think this extra bit of time will help.  I rang my manager and explained, and she was fine - said she looked forward to seeing me next week, but to just let her know Sunday if I'm not ready.  She also said if I need any further adjustments, to let her know.  I told her I know what it is.  It's the backwash from mum's passing.  After she died, I knuckled down and just dealt with all the affairs, then took a couple of months to myself before going back to work.  During those months, though, I was writing my book about those final months we spent together.  It helped me - but I wasn't really grieving.  I think that's what's happening now.  Grief affects us all so differently, and it's finally caught up.  I've been able to look at photographs without any problems up to now - but now I'm finding it hard.  I looked at a photo yesterday of the first day I got Daisy.  She was so nervous, she spent a while hiding behind the settee.  Finally, she peeped out.  Then, over the next half-hour, she sniffed around.  She sniffed me and realised I wasn't going to hurt her.  In no time, she was up on the settee cleaning herself.  She came with me to mum's and gave her a lot of comfort.  And now, she's my sole companion.  I think if anything happened to her, it really would kill me.  Cats have incredible intuition.  She knows I'm low, and she cuddles up to me close each night when I go to bed.

I had the most terrible nightmare last night which underlined it all for me (and I'm sleeping huge amounts - dead sleep, without any alcohol involved).  I dreamed I'd come back to my flat one night, but the lights wouldn't work.  I managed to put my lamp on - but then it got switched off again.  I sensed some malevolent presence there in the darkness.  I checked the fuse boxes and just gave them a tap, and the lights all came on.  The place was in a state.  Wallpaper had been ripped down, furniture had been overturned - and there were tiny pellets of grey clay stuck over everything.  Finally, in panic, I ran downstairs to my neighbour to tell him.  He seemed to know.  He said he'd seen a face at my window some days when I'd been out.  He came up with me... and the place was in an even worse state.  Completely wrecked.  Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure.  It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure.  It was trying to climb out of the window.  I screamed to my neighbour that I could see it, and I threw things at it.  I woke up then, screaming 'There it is!'  Throughout this nightmare, the one thought in my head was 'At least I can go to mum's.   She'll look after me.'

That was it.  Those two things.  Loss of the one person I could always go to - and fear of losing what I have left. 

The subconscious is a remarkable reservoir of truth.  It tells you what you need to know.

Like I said, I'm sleeping lots.  Apart from that one big nightmare, too, my other dreams are extremely vivid.

Thanks, Trogluddite.  That's exactly how it's been.  I really don't know what to do for the best.  I want to go back to work... but I think I'm at too low a point to do my job effectively.  As you can imagine, as good as it is working with autistic people, it's stressful because you're on the alert all day, without breaks, and we have a lot of very challenging clients.  I don't know if I have the mental reserves to handle that.  These last couple of days, I've actually felt more relaxed than I did during my leave.  I'm also worried about how it looks to my employer.  I know I'm highly-respected there, and they know about my condition and are quite accommodating.  But I don't want them to start asking questions about my future fitness to continue with the role.  I don't want any doubts raised.  I don't want to lose that job and end up having to go back on JSA or ESA.  I don't think I could face that regime again.

I'm off up to my GP soon now.  I'll see what she has to say.

in spite of just having 2 weeks' annual leave.  They were a stressful couple of weeks.

I often used to find that back when I was working. When I'm working, it's just a case of buttoning everything down and getting by one day at a time with everything clenched. Once I got some time off, I'd unclench, and find myself floored by a huge backlog of undone chores, unresolved anxieties and questions about what I was doing (or not doing) with my life. Hard as being at work can be very often, at least doesn't leave too much time for self-reflection and cogitating; so I can understand you feeling that you'd rather go back. Sometimes "nothing" can be the hardest thing to do, no matter how vital it is that we should sometimes. The main thing is not to let yourself feel guilty about it; it is the only truly effective treatment for burn-out, in my opinion.

I hope things go well for you at the GPs tomorrow, and that you get the rest and relaxation that you need.

Couldn't get to see her today, but I've got an appointment tomorrow. I've taken the week off work and told them why.  They're quite supportive.  I feel better for having the breathing space - in spite of just having 2 weeks' annual leave.  They were a stressful couple of weeks.  This week, I'm going to relax.  I've managed alright without drinking.  I'll see what my GP says tomorrow.  I still don't know how I feel.  Part of me wants to be at work.  Another part of me says I'm not up to it.  I don't feel like I'm ill, but I am.  No well person behaves in the way I have.   At root... I just feel unhappy.  I don't want to die... but I don't enjoy my life.  Just in a void.

How's it going, Tom? Any joy from the GP at all?

Is there somewhere you always fancied going, but never got around to?

Try diverting some of the booze money towards a flight on a low-cost airline.

Personally, I always fancied taking a gander at Granada. 

How about you?

Thank you all again, folks, for your wishes and support.  It means so much. x

sorry hadn't seen this before, all the best Tom, keep safe and keep talking to people

Glad you're feeling a bit better today Tom,

I think having the week off is a very good plan.
Spend plenty of time with Daisy and do some proper emotional recharging. 

Take care of yourself x

Have been away and only just read all this, please Tom look after yourself, I hope you get all the help and time out you need, keep communicating. You aren't alone.

Hugs Tom xxx

Song

Hello everyone.

I'm feeling okay.  Yesterday was pretty bad.  The worst I've been.

I'm so grateful to you all.  I couldn't get to see my doctor today, but I'll go tomorrow.

I'll take the week off and just be very quiet.  And I won't drink.

I think I've reached burn-out.  I've felt it coming for a while. 

I'll be alright.  Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry to have been the cause of so much worry.

x

Sorry tom I’m only now seeing this forum. I’ve been as low as u are now and it sucks but at least u’ve realised u need help and ur going docs tomorrow to get it. I’ve only been a member of this community 3 days and ur wise words have helped me a lot already. Keep strong mate and I hope ur on the mend soon buddy

I hope I do.  Take care, my friend xx

Good night. I’d wish you luck as well, but you have that already :) 

Big love to you, Ellie. I mean that as one Aspie to another.  We both know how hard it is.

You have many friends who aren’t feline