Exactly what it says...
I saw my GP. She's lovely. She gave me a 2-week certificate, though I won't actually need it until next week. I'm planning to go back next week, anyway. I don't want to be off for longer than I need, and I think this extra bit of time will help. I rang my manager and explained, and she was fine - said she looked forward to seeing me next week, but to just let her know Sunday if I'm not ready. She also said if I need any further adjustments, to let her know. I told her I know what it is. It's the backwash from mum's passing. After she died, I knuckled down and just dealt with all the affairs, then took a couple of months to myself before going back to work. During those months, though, I was writing my book about those final months we spent together. It helped me - but I wasn't really grieving. I think that's what's happening now. Grief affects us all so differently, and it's finally caught up. I've been able to look at photographs without any problems up to now - but now I'm finding it hard. I looked at a photo yesterday of the first day I got Daisy. She was so nervous, she spent a while hiding behind the settee. Finally, she peeped out. Then, over the next half-hour, she sniffed around. She sniffed me and realised I wasn't going to hurt her. In no time, she was up on the settee cleaning herself. She came with me to mum's and gave her a lot of comfort. And now, she's my sole companion. I think if anything happened to her, it really would kill me. Cats have incredible intuition. She knows I'm low, and she cuddles up to me close each night when I go to bed.
I had the most terrible nightmare last night which underlined it all for me (and I'm sleeping huge amounts - dead sleep, without any alcohol involved). I dreamed I'd come back to my flat one night, but the lights wouldn't work. I managed to put my lamp on - but then it got switched off again. I sensed some malevolent presence there in the darkness. I checked the fuse boxes and just gave them a tap, and the lights all came on. The place was in a state. Wallpaper had been ripped down, furniture had been overturned - and there were tiny pellets of grey clay stuck over everything. Finally, in panic, I ran downstairs to my neighbour to tell him. He seemed to know. He said he'd seen a face at my window some days when I'd been out. He came up with me... and the place was in an even worse state. Completely wrecked. Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure. It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure. It was trying to climb out of the window. I screamed to my neighbour that I could see it, and I threw things at it. I woke up then, screaming 'There it is!' Throughout this nightmare, the one thought in my head was 'At least I can go to mum's. She'll look after me.'
That was it. Those two things. Loss of the one person I could always go to - and fear of losing what I have left.
The subconscious is a remarkable reservoir of truth. It tells you what you need to know.
Like I said, I'm sleeping lots. Apart from that one big nightmare, too, my other dreams are extremely vivid.
Like you I lost my mother (back in 2017) and spent time sorting out the affairs which meant that I didn't have time to grieve. A lot of other things were happening at the time that made matters worse enough to cause stress related illness.
It took a long time to get over the loss (honestly probably a year) before it started to be less painful. I just think with autism it takes much longer to get over the trauma and release the grief. And my dreams have been more vivid than they were ever before.
Hang in there sir!
My mother passed away fifteen years ago.
She was treated unfairly by the doctors and hospital who just gave up on her due to her age and being a life long smoker.
I never fully got over losing the one person who really accepted me and made sure I was always by her side.
I have never really got through the grieving stage. Non acceptance in some way as it was all so very wrong the way it ended.