Goodnight, and Good Luck

Exactly what it says...

Parents
  • I saw my GP.  She's lovely.  She gave me a 2-week certificate, though I won't actually need it until next week.  I'm planning to go back next week, anyway.  I don't want to be off for longer than I need, and I think this extra bit of time will help.  I rang my manager and explained, and she was fine - said she looked forward to seeing me next week, but to just let her know Sunday if I'm not ready.  She also said if I need any further adjustments, to let her know.  I told her I know what it is.  It's the backwash from mum's passing.  After she died, I knuckled down and just dealt with all the affairs, then took a couple of months to myself before going back to work.  During those months, though, I was writing my book about those final months we spent together.  It helped me - but I wasn't really grieving.  I think that's what's happening now.  Grief affects us all so differently, and it's finally caught up.  I've been able to look at photographs without any problems up to now - but now I'm finding it hard.  I looked at a photo yesterday of the first day I got Daisy.  She was so nervous, she spent a while hiding behind the settee.  Finally, she peeped out.  Then, over the next half-hour, she sniffed around.  She sniffed me and realised I wasn't going to hurt her.  In no time, she was up on the settee cleaning herself.  She came with me to mum's and gave her a lot of comfort.  And now, she's my sole companion.  I think if anything happened to her, it really would kill me.  Cats have incredible intuition.  She knows I'm low, and she cuddles up to me close each night when I go to bed.

    I had the most terrible nightmare last night which underlined it all for me (and I'm sleeping huge amounts - dead sleep, without any alcohol involved).  I dreamed I'd come back to my flat one night, but the lights wouldn't work.  I managed to put my lamp on - but then it got switched off again.  I sensed some malevolent presence there in the darkness.  I checked the fuse boxes and just gave them a tap, and the lights all came on.  The place was in a state.  Wallpaper had been ripped down, furniture had been overturned - and there were tiny pellets of grey clay stuck over everything.  Finally, in panic, I ran downstairs to my neighbour to tell him.  He seemed to know.  He said he'd seen a face at my window some days when I'd been out.  He came up with me... and the place was in an even worse state.  Completely wrecked.  Then I went into the kitchen and saw this figure.  It was like a child, but made entirely of this grey clay, like a Morph figure.  It was trying to climb out of the window.  I screamed to my neighbour that I could see it, and I threw things at it.  I woke up then, screaming 'There it is!'  Throughout this nightmare, the one thought in my head was 'At least I can go to mum's.   She'll look after me.'

    That was it.  Those two things.  Loss of the one person I could always go to - and fear of losing what I have left. 

    The subconscious is a remarkable reservoir of truth.  It tells you what you need to know.

    Like I said, I'm sleeping lots.  Apart from that one big nightmare, too, my other dreams are extremely vivid.

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