My son wont accept help

The problem is that whatever way I approach my son he construes it as criticism. I’ve tried both ways, being direct with him and also tried to support and give encouragement but it’s always received negatively by him. So where do I go from there? 

This is a fantastic post.   I know personally I'd have been helped so much more if I was treated more as a human being and given encouragement and belief. 

Mutterinnittrr and Wackenwilly

I can see where you are each coming from. I never was a parent but I have been a teacher, full of pastoral concern and all that.

I was hinting that before, the parental concern thing can be so easily construed as No Faith. I have no confidence in you. I got that from my parents, then after returning from my first stint abroad, things really blew up and I ended up not speaking to my dear mother for over two years. There seemed to be no respect for me as an adult whatsoever. It did not help that one orvzwo other family members also ganged up and joined in the general stone throwing.

The complaints then and then about staying in my room being blind to dress codes ( it was an artistic  choice, not about being colour blind, or a tard thank you very much!!!). It did seem to me all that often that not voting Conservative were signs that I must be unhinged. They had no faith. 

Your son must have his confidence shot to pieces on all this, in a world where doing hoops and being packaged as we kind of damaged goods commodity mudtreally be like the most grievious kind of kick to the nuts imaginable. 

I can see why he would dislike being labelled via the A word too, but again all I would say is that he may in time find his way on his own terms, only he can do this, and only passive support will help him.

Hi WackenWilly

Youve many valid points but from a parents perspective it’s so hard to sit back and watch  loved ones not make the most of their lives, what parent wouldn’t want that for their child , ‘ neurotypical’ or not. That’s just a parent thing full stop.

I don’t see either of my sons solely as Autistics, I see them as people first and foremost, autism doesn’t define them. They are my sons, I don’t see anything wrong with them and I wouldn’t change them. That doesn’t mean I can’t try and encourage them to make their lives better.  I always tell them it’s their choice and their lives to live it the way they want, but, I’ll admit it’s hard. 

I’m in no position financially to set either of them up in places of their own, we live in London and it’s exceptionally difficult to find housing anyway, but neither of them want to move out yet. 

Im trying my best in difficult circumstances, I have two autistic sons. One refuses help from outside services and the other sees it as a positive thing. They’re unique and individual just like their needs are and I treat them as such. 

Hi I'm 28 I live alone and I would speak up for him and any autistic person going through this *** forget autism he's a human being it doesn't matter what he's " got " or he hasn't if you were pestered morning noon n night by health care professionals and a mum that just wanted to say what if you can't or don't mange you'd feel you couldn't do anything either what I think you should do and I've got a Lot of Experience is go and talk him not NT to autistic but one person to another say your sorry you have given him Such a hard time say you have faith in him full stop ( everything about him ) next step is buy / or rent him a house away from social work and all the other ******** and visit him if Wants

to build him up with what I said in the above 

If you've read this message as a Smack in the face to autism and the varying so called supportive health systems and problems solved from a humanitarian prospective your reading it correctly

I understand your the feeling hurt but what your doing is creating your own pains I understand you've built up this belief in what your doing and autism and health care professionals and all the rest of it but you've still got choice  take a minute stand still wash all the words expectations away and Just Think About The Problem as a Person as a Human being think about what's best for you and your son I'm not saying it's going be a straight Path but it's gonna be a Hell of a Lot Easier than goning on the way you have been or you can feel well I've done this all my life I'm just gonna continue and you can take my words throw them in the bin and find something to discount me as person and open all the doors in your mind and fill up your head with worrys and feel safe you can just keep doing same thing or you can be very very brave and realise that there's no cure for autism there's no pill for it there's nothing the health care professionals are gonna do help most they'll do is give you a reassuring feel there doing " something "  

At the end of the day it's your call but I just Find it Heart Breaking for both you and your and loads like you it's like any other part of history people cling to their beliefs they always think are So relevant at the time it's only in hind sight generations Later can see them for they are but if I went back in time and told people not to believe in the Catholic church when they ruled the world I'd be hammered into the ground which probably whats going to happen to me on this forum

but all I can do is try 

[Edited by moderator]

Hi Louise, this is just a thought and you may of already tried this but, if he wants to go to uni, talk about which subject he would want to study, ask questions about it like, why he wants to study this subject, engage in a positive way about it and then suggest that he can get some help to attend uni. This may mean sitting GCSE or A-Levels but its a positive start to accepting help for something he wants to achieve.

Liz x

Oh god! It’s so depressing, not only for him but for yourself! My elder son is awake all night too and wakes around 3/4 in the afternoon! It’s absolutely soul destroying to see someone you love not making the most of their lives and point blank refusing any help or advice! I worry so much about both my boys futures! I truly feel for you both! xxx

yes he always says that and refuses all help, but when left to do things on his own, he does nothing.

Hi Tracey, he has no friends and rarely goes out. He joined a drama group a few weeks ago and met a girl but he was obsessive about her and it ended. He's been depressed ever since. He rarely goes out anyway but things have nosedived. His drama group, work placement and home maths tuition have all ended in the last few weeks. He showers once a week and wanders round the flat partially dressed. He doesn't get up till 4pm and is awake all night, he has no routine to sort out his sleep xxx

Hi Louise 

Thet must be really hard on you. 

Does he go out or have any friends? 

Tracey xx

Hi Tracey, sorry about the delay. I have no support at all. Friends and family give me advice but when I'm at home it's just me and my son. 

Louise x

He does not want to feel.bsd about himself. He needs to do it for himself. 

Hi Louise 

I have heard of it and, yeah, perhaps he does. Funnily enough though, it sounds like my younger son in a more ways, especially when he was a child. 

I also mentioned to my elder son about joining this site but he refused. He’s not in denial about his diagnosis but I do feel there may be an element of embarrassment about it, especially when he sees his friends finishing Uni, moving on and doing things with their lives. 

Do you have much in the way of support around you? 

Tracey

Hi, it sounds like your son has PDA too, have you heard of this before?

https://autisticmotherland.com/2018/05/23/pda/

Its good that you have some support around you.

Louise

Hi Nexus, I have asked David if he wil join the forum but he doesn't think he has autism so I think it's unlikely he will do so. I personally think this would help him but I am just his mother and I know nothing.

Forced to do things against his will. That of course is exactly what the Job Centre will do. I can relate to that absolute loathing of being forced to do something against my will, as I was in a similar situation once, and there really was no work. I could have played the game as it is called and gone on Mickey mouse schemes pitched at way below my academic skills as a graduate, though my interests lay in the arts. As someone said to me, if unfortunately you are in a position of economic dependency, you  have to play their games. I knew then only alternative was to get off the board altogether. I did in the end, it did have its own price, but eventually the solution may make itself known. 

So maybe you need to remind David that it is a question of putting together those survival tricks that will allow him to live his life on his terms. 

I think David should join this forum too. It might help remove some of the sense of inferiority and feelings of unfairness in having to deal the world we have to live in. 

Hi Geordielou 

Thanks got your reply. 

He’s had support workers but he’s absolutely hated it. One came once and he refused to see her again after that. He had another one for just over a year and only just about tolerated his visits and input. He’s hugely against any sort of help and I’ve never been able to get to the bottom of why. 

I am prepared,  if needed, to be there for him but I’d much prefer for him to be more independent and have a decent fulfilling life, He’s got a lot going for him and to offer. 

His only output is that he volunteers doing some comp stuff at the local  hospice once a week but it’s only for 3 hrs one afternoon apart from that, he doesn’t leave his room. His younger brother,  also diagnosed with ASD. but is more ‘functional’ , he tries to encourage him to go out with him etc but he refuses. 

Hes waiting on CBT that is Autism specific and I’m hoping this will help him. 

Hes never violent towards myself, or anyone else, in fact he has a very placid nature. 

I do have time for myself, yes, but not any family near by, as neither myself or my ex husband are native to London. I’ve a supportive partner and friends though, thank goodness!

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear this  Do,you get any support as a carer like respite or supportive family members? How do you see,the future? Are you prepared to be there for your son long term or do,you feel like me that somethings got to change? Is he abusive to you and do you have a life away from him at all?

Hi Nexus, you are right, Davids confidence is zero. He has had a rubbish life and all attempts to help him over the years have failed and it wasn't his fault. He is terrified that by accepting help, he is going to be forced into doing things against his will. When he was a teenager he had to go to a residential school far from home for a few years because the LEA couldn't find a suitable school close to home and he hated this.

it is difficult to access help without mentioning the A word because all people see is his disability. He goes to the job centre and proudly displays his entry level certificates and thinks he can get a full time, well paid job with them. He won't do voluntary work as he wants to be an engineer like his grandfather or a teacher like,his aunty. He doesn't look up to me at all as all I did was raise him!

its difficult but thanks for your reply

Hi Kerri, thanks very much for the info, I wasn't aware of this, I will definitely give them a ring!