Is It Just Me ?

So here's a question of sorts that has kind of followed me around for many years and i wondered if other NDs felt a similar way or if it's just me...
Ever since I can remember my emotions have been very confusing / vague I have 3 important people in my life my son, my mum and my ex wife (who I probably drove mad during our marriage with my behaviour though we get on great now and she is actually my carer so that's ok.) These three are the ones who I care about and who care about me but ive never really known what else I should feel and by that I mean love !!! I have never really known what that is I know if anything happened to one of these three I would be upset but that
would most likely be in a self centred way as in how their loss would affect me. I often visualize scenarios in which harm befalls one of These three and to be honest my feelings are quite flat I know I should feel more but I don't know what that should be honestly there are times I get more upset when im interrupted or something happens that throws out my process or schedule or if I do something stupid like dropping something picking it up and dropping it again I feel like someone unseen is making this happen and I can get very agitated or angry...
So i guess my question is do other NDs feel like this or am I alone in my behaviour ?

Parents
  • No, you’re not alone. I can totally relate. It’s one of the many great wonders of autism! It’s puzzled me all my life. If someone told me their father had died and that they were upset, I would say, really, how do you do that! Meaning, what does upset about somebody dying feel like. I’d be genuinely curious. 

    I did have a glimpse into nt world though and their love is astounding and astonishing, to me. I thought my love was big, because I love everybody and my love is unconditional. But their love is something else altogether. It has a tenderness that I have never experienced. It’s so personal yet all encompassing at the same time. It’s weird and scary and alien to me but profoundly beautiful at the same time. It’s totally overwhelming to me, so I greatly admire the way they live with it and can see how it causes so many difficulties in their lives, difficulties that I don’t encounter because I experience love in a very different way to them. I’m very grateful for the nt love I have in my life and even more grateful that I can understand it now and therefore appreciate it. 

  • As for getting annoyed at things, such as getting interrupted etc or whatever the apparent cause, you can address that, the anger is in you, the outside stimulant only triggered it. But I can totally relate to the feeling that there’s some unseen force at work, making it happen, lol, and there probably is! I used to always do that, repeat things over and again, such as spill my coffee as I go to drink it and I wouldn’t make a connection with what I was doing and the result, so it had to be an unseen force making it happen, right? I do that less often now and I no longer get annoyed with anything I do. I choose to be delighted with everything I do, it makes for a happier life. 

Reply
  • As for getting annoyed at things, such as getting interrupted etc or whatever the apparent cause, you can address that, the anger is in you, the outside stimulant only triggered it. But I can totally relate to the feeling that there’s some unseen force at work, making it happen, lol, and there probably is! I used to always do that, repeat things over and again, such as spill my coffee as I go to drink it and I wouldn’t make a connection with what I was doing and the result, so it had to be an unseen force making it happen, right? I do that less often now and I no longer get annoyed with anything I do. I choose to be delighted with everything I do, it makes for a happier life. 

Children
  • You could stop yourself from getting angry, but not by wishing. It’s your body talking to you, screaming at you in fact, asking you to take a closer look at your life. It’s asking you to consider, are you living the optimum lifestyle for you? If the answer is no, then of course you’re going to experience anger, and if there are fewer people around to trigger that anger, we take our triggers from whatever is around us, which is usually inanimate objects. They are simply playing their part to make us wake up and consider,  am I living my very best life, because if we’re not, we have to accept that there will be some anger in our lives, it’s part and parcel of an unfulfilled life. For some people, that’s good enough and for others, they will observe the anger and communicate with it to find out what it is saying so they can take action to ensure they are living their best life. 

  • wish i could but i get angry all the time with inanimate objects and have full blown arguments with things which i get funny looks from people if they're in earshot lol