Turning down parties

How do you guys go about turning down parties? I can't deal with big social events at all and avoid them like the plague for a variety of reasons (anxious amongst lots of people, will not dress up for going out, hardly like any food so meals are a problem, noise, can't deal with all the conversations). I don't really like to explain this to people especially as I'm not diagnosed so I can't even give that as a reason. I usually go with distance or money. There is a party being organised for work at the moment and several people are trying to persuade me to go. I find these conversations very difficult and they keep coming up with solutions to my reasons for not going. How would other people deal with this?

  • I don't like parties. I stopped going to work do's a long time ago. I just don't go. However I was coerced (more like forced to show willing) into one just today and I hated it. Too much going on and disorientating. I'm already going through an anxious phase at the moment and just very recently declared to my work that I'm going for an assessment. for Aspergers. Just so happened my line manager had a sit down with me later in the day to talk about my declaration. My manager (who has a role in disability issues in the workplace, bless) said I should never feel under pressure to go to an informal work gathering. Apparently I could have just say no. Politely of course. 

  • This made me laugh. I think - from reading a later post - that you've edited it to replace a word that DC (Disallowed Cynosure) commented on. I don't care which words you use (and I'm a "lady" , well, female anyway) - so called "swear"words being colour and passion to our language, in my opinion. In this forum we read so many sad stories, and although they are useful and helpful, it's good to read something that resonates completely with how I think. Thank you for posting.

  • I love this requote. I need you to speak for me! Lol or requote what I want to say! 

  • I hear ya Otis. Me to. Baby steps for me Slight smile

  • ...The "F-Word" does not seem to carry much weight, these days. Even little children use it (and I do mean VERY little, under 2 years, even). It is a verb. noun, adjective, compliment, etc... nowadays. I never use it myself and people (and children) just find it funny... nowadays. A shame, really.

    This is me, posting like an old fogey. Nowadays...  ;-/

  • (When I say "so directly", I mean as in using certain words. You are better than them, and so just leave them struggling in ASD-Dust... is kind of what I mean. Sorry about that (!))

  • Oy! Ladies Present!

    ...or maybe, do not post so directly unless certain of it being quite alright to Re-quote...?

    I would say: "We all must cooperate with each other upon working days, yet for such days, one and all of us are being paid a wage, and so unless you offer me money to do so at a time outside of that kind of compulsion then I must decline, Thank You."

    ...Then I would doff my cap and leave them, to figure it out on their own. (probably via a dictionary.)

  • Err...

    laugh in their faces, then loudly declare, "I have to spend every working day with you Idiots, why the hell would I want to spend my personal time with you as well?!?!

  • Most people who know me well enough to invite me to a party know that I wouldn't accept.

    If I am invited, I say it is very nice to be asked, but they wouldn't want me there, I won't like the food, I don't drink, I don't enjoy parties, and this is generally accepted.  Sometimes it is impossible to avoid, such as a wedding of a close family member, or (not a party, but the same another get together although in different circumstances) a funeral.  At the wake I will put on my best act, have a cup of tea and a slice of cake and try to make polite conversation.  But that is the only exception.  A funeral is for those left behind, not those who have just departed, and I realise how comforting it can be for the bereaved.

    At work, there is no problem since they all know I am autistic and do not enjoy (well actively dislike intensely) parties.  I always say that I hope it goes well and thank you for the invitation.  There is no embarrassment from me about refusing, and I think they are relieved when I decline anyway!

  • Hi there, thanks ever so much for posting this it is highly appreciated. From my previous experiences I actually have been to quite a few parties you know for a special occasion typically a birthday. When I was younger, I did go to such parties because during the time I had little or no choice as such. Usually, I am an introvert person even before I was diagnosed. For some reason, a part of me knew I was uncomfortable but didn't want to appear rude or being avoidant.

    Communication was such a restrictive barrier for me. Because, as much as I tried I couldn't sustain eye contact, the conversation wasn't flowing. I remember trying to 'break the ice' by mentioning interests or hobbies that sort of thing it didn't help in the slightest. The dancing was tragic if I do say on my part.

    It is not like I hide myself from the crowd deliberately or intentionally. I was trying to protect myself and others from seeing me for who I was in terms of character and personality which most people said to be I was boring, soft or 'acted gay'. And I still hold onto these comments because it is a living reminder of what people thought about me.

    I myself don't like to go to far in distance especially if it is a location I am not familiar with or the possibility of getting lost. Money, is a funny one for me because some people are very protective or close-fitted. As well as being a problem in itself...what I mean by this money from my perspective contributes to petty conflicts or disagreements plus can get in the way of such relationships e.g. 'You never have any money', 'It is always me who pays for it'...

    Food is a tricky one because you never know what to expect. We all have different taste on things some prefer things spicy, the other mild, vegetarian, non-dairy the list is endless. It might be worth looking up on the place your going to whether via TripAdvisor, Google Maps for reviews from food, serving, staff... or visit Food Standards Agency (for its ratings). 

    The main reason why I decline not going to parties is the fear that I will make myself look foolish and ultimately embarrassing myself. I recall, going to a pub once with a few College classmates it did go well but I felt anxious non-stop. I put this wall up to protect myself with that consequently leads to missing out on numerous events, special occasions. Every day is a day I do feel socially withdrawn or isolated because that is all I have known it is my comfort blanket.

    However, I do acknowledge for me to develop as a person I do have to put myself out there (not all at once). But, in small steps. I would always recommend being yourself because being you is a gift in itself. You are priceless. 

  • Greetings. Maybe this is a bad reply, yet, here goes...

    I identify Associates, by thier offering things like that (e.g. going to a "party")...

    But then after that, I identify TRUE Friends, by, when I turn up, yet act in an unexpected way, if they are understanding, sympathetic... and STILL are Friends with oneself, after however one may act...

    ...At the Party, e.g. - Not talking, staying in one room, talking to only one person, not eating, leaving early... many different things, different for everyone  (!)...

  • Yeah, that’s it. I think we’re very lucky that there are nt people who get it, at least enough to truly support us and appreciate how much it means to us, I just wonder if they really get it, at that deeper level. Not that it matters, I just have a very inquisitive and curious mind :) 

  • there will be different levels of 'getting it' I guess... but I think know what you are getting at...that it will never be quite the same as actually experiencing it

  • Yeah, he came to mind as I was writing my comment although I do wonder about him! Lol! He has got an aspie son, afterall, but either way, yeah, I reckon he totally gets it. I’d put money on my support worker getting it as well but I’m not sure they can truly appreciate it, but maybe they can, who knows Thinking they’re probably in the minority though if they do get it. 

  • Why do you want people to ‘get it’ and do you think it’s even possible for an nt person to understand an autistic person? 

    If I'm not mistaken Tony Attwood is NT, I think he gets it.

  • Isn’t everybody different? 

  • I'm practically asexual now.  To me, the disadvantages of being in a close, sexual relationship with someone far outweigh the advantages.

    I'm the same with hugs and touching.  We have a couple of 'huggy' people at work.  I've made it clear that I don't 'do' hugs and people seem to accept that.

    Many of these discussions can wander off at tangents - related, or unrelated!  I think I infuriate many people because my head doesn't work in a linear way.  So, if a thought occurs to me along the way, off I go with that thought.  Some guys at work were having a chat about football in the week (a favourite topic of conversation with the males there) and they were talking about the levels of talent in the England team.  One of them then started on about Wayne Rooney and his misdemeanours - and the problems with giving a lot of money to a young man.  I then pitched in about an interview I'd read in Rolling Stone, about the financial travails of Johnny Depp.  I carried on for ages with it.  When I finished, someone said 'Anyway... coming back to Wayne Rooney and football...'  Oop!!

  • I think you have explained that very well. I am certainly different. There have been occasions where my sexuality has been questioned because I have little interest in being in a relationship with someone. And others where I've been called harsh because I've backed away from a hug. It baffles me that my behaviour in these situations is apparently unacceptable but others speaking to me like that is. Bit off topic from my original post but seemed relevant to your reply.

  • It's not so much that they demand it. I just don't feel I can say "I'm autistic" without it being official. They are not so awful, they just see it as an expectation that you would go to the work parties.