Published on 12, July, 2020
How do you guys go about turning down parties? I can't deal with big social events at all and avoid them like the plague for a variety of reasons (anxious amongst lots of people, will not dress up for going out, hardly like any food so meals are a problem, noise, can't deal with all the conversations). I don't really like to explain this to people especially as I'm not diagnosed so I can't even give that as a reason. I usually go with distance or money. There is a party being organised for work at the moment and several people are trying to persuade me to go. I find these conversations very difficult and they keep coming up with solutions to my reasons for not going. How would other people deal with this?
The only people I know who are likely to invite me to anything like that are people at work. If I'm comfortable around those people and there won't be too many strangers, I usually say 'Okay' - but on the understanding that I won't stay long. The people at work are all autism support workers anyway, and all know I'm autistic, so they are all pretty understanding. One colleague left a short while ago and organised a pub 'farewell' on a Saturday evening. I went along - but the place was so crowded that I only stayed for about 40 minutes. I said why I was leaving, and everyone was fine.
On the other hand, if it's an event where I'll hardly know anyone - like, say, a wedding in extended family - then I'll usually decline. In the past, I've made excuses. Now, though, I tell the truth. We shouldn't have to make excuses, really. I mean, someone with agoraphobia wouldn't be expected to accept an invitation to a venue that they'd find naturally very uncomfortable. The problem is, I think, that people tend to apply their own standards of judgment to all situations and all others. We have a chap at work whose social life revolves around lots of people, pubs, clubs, big parties, etc. We were out driving one day and had to visit a huge country house in a remote part of the countryside. When we got there, I commented on how I'd love to live in such a place. He looked at me like I was mad! 'Are you kidding? All cut off like this and away from life and excitement?' I reminded him of my condition and how it affects me, and he acknowledged it. I still think he thought I was an old fogey, though.