Friendships, coworker interaction and how to tell who is fake or trustworthy?

This is a problem I've had my entire life and still I don't know how to deal with it. People that have sought to have been 'friends' with me have emotionally used me as a soundboard for their woes and have not reciprocated in turn, or have asked more and more from me like emotional vampires again without supporting me or realising they are causing me distress. These people also tend to ask for money (small amounts for coffee or soft drinks from the local shop) and never give me the money back like they say they will. They go and get coffee or converse and socialise with other coworkers and I'm not invited. At the beginning of my employment less than a year ago, the same people would bother to converse with me and spend time with me. It's like they've realised there is something wrong with me and have rejected me. There is the other sort of person who tried to get me into trouble (I think) by trying to entice me into saying something bad about the company I work for or share inside jokes that make me look stupid. It's like they think I don't realise that they are treating me like a fool. Their expectation of more to gossip about is really annoying and I can only imagine they gossip about me behind my back too as gossiping is their 'normal'.

How do I address any of this while these things are happening and how do I hide this metaphorical target sign on my back? This is bullying isn't it? Although some people close to me like my parents say it's my perception. I feel dismissed by them when I raise these concerns about communication and interaction relationships with other people. It's really no wonder some people become hermits. People are inherently nasty I think. This belief is the result of many many let downs and disappointments over 30 years of experience. 

Parents
  • Yes that's bullying and I don't think there's anything you can do about it unless you want to formally complain, in which case be prepared to say goodbye to your career.

    Don't lend anyone any money (just say you only have enough for your own coffee). People like that are not worth being around. It makes me angry just reading your post because it's exactly what happens to me every time I enter into a new situation. After about a year or so, people realise there's something "off" about me and they no longer want to be around me, and forget about trying to get support, even from the people whose job it is to provide the support.

    I used to think it was just my perception and that I was paranoid, and then I found a video of one of my colleagues talking about me behind my back in a worse way than I could possibly have imagined. What he did ended my career, and even filing a formal grievance with the use of the video and several other items of evidence had no effect other than to make me look even worse in the eyes of my employer, since my line manager was in cahoots with the colleague who was caught on video.

    The only thing you can do to protect yourself is record everything and, if it gets really bad and you feel your job is in jeopardy because of all the gossip, make a subject access request with your employer, asking for, for example, all the instances of your name being mentioned in emails, etc. Document everything, and make sure you have disclosed your disability to your employer, because workplace bullying is perfectly legal in this country, but if they do it because of your disability, it's harassment and illegal. Of course, you have to actually prove that your condition is bad enough to amount to a disability, even if they treat you the way they do directly because of your condition.

    I am one of the hermits you referred to. After obtaining several university degrees and building my career for over two decades, I cannot bring myself to even attempt to revive my career, not that anyone would hire me anyway. Last time this happened (something very similar happened at my last place of employment too), I thought that I wouldn't survive if it happened to me again, and I barely did. I am sure I really wouldn't survive such a situation if it happened yet again. With my diagnosis I realised that being treated how you described is my lot in life, and I refuse to let that happen again, so I simply stay away from other people. The weird thing is that I don't even know whether people realise how nasty they really are. They seem to think that we're at fault for not being "normal", and they seem to think that it gives them the right to treat us like something less than human beings, because, to them, we are not worth anything.

  • Hi. Re-reading your post reflects my experience back at me. I asked for an SAR and  I was given my data which contained a lot of libellous content. Two days later I was asked to leave the building. I have been looking into employment law and disability rights since that day. I have not settled on a definite plan of action as of yet.

  • I've recently been taken in at work by someone who professed friendship based on her understanding of my Asperger's and how it affects me.  Then, she dumped me over something trivial - because I happened to believe in something that she disagreed with.  I've since found out that she's done this with others - accusing them of bullying, fabricating evidence against them, then arm-twisting more vulnerable and fearful (of her) staff to support her.  She's a narcissist.  These people know their victims. They can spot them a mile away.  They manipulate, exploit, destroy.  It's how they work.

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  • I've recently been taken in at work by someone who professed friendship based on her understanding of my Asperger's and how it affects me.  Then, she dumped me over something trivial - because I happened to believe in something that she disagreed with.  I've since found out that she's done this with others - accusing them of bullying, fabricating evidence against them, then arm-twisting more vulnerable and fearful (of her) staff to support her.  She's a narcissist.  These people know their victims. They can spot them a mile away.  They manipulate, exploit, destroy.  It's how they work.

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