Published on 12, July, 2020
I was thinking the other day when I was at yet another low, why am I so hard on myself?
Well, I have had an extremely difficult life. Absent father who worked abroad, youngest child and consequently the butt of all childhood bullying and pranks. abused physically and sexually by my brother who was older by 6 yearsUndiagnosed dyslexia( hard to have had done in the 60's) and so always the 'bad school reports'. Shifted through three schools by the age of 9 through family being moved abroad. Sent to Boarding school and separated from my family, where I was kinda glad to get away from my father.
Beacause of the expensive schooling was blamed for bad education though was diagnosed by a teacher as being at least dyslexic but parents went into denial so no help there but did get abused physically, there and at home. Went to senior boarding school where it was quite brutal at times but still glad to be away from home. Dreaded ever going home to wait for yet another bad report. Got 5 O' levels after being kept back a year but didn't want to stay at school anymore. tried to do A 'levels but couldn't. Didn't know what I wanted to do with myself.
Had lots of failed relationships but was good looking so no probs there getting women, got a job skill which I was good at but couldn't work well with others .Had a career that went up and down, tried to work abroad. Tried my own business, was successful then had a car crash and damaged my spine. Went back into bad depression, tried suicide but survived. Endless bouts with depression ad nauseum and so on and so on. Am now on my own and waiting for yet more surgery, single and lonely but have two dogs.
And with all that I was watching the Jeremy Kyle show and suddenly realised that with all that I have been through in my life, there is no way that I am as sad and pathetic than the couples and families that he gets to go on his shows!!!!!
I'm hard on myself because I worry that if I'm not, I'll become a 'bad person'.
In what way?
Slack off, start smoking, be rude and inconsiderate...
My post upon this Thread was as a tiny side Thread addressed to one particular thing someone else said, I did not post directly in answer to you or to ANY of the concerns you expressed. I can clearly see that you did not mention smoking in your original post. I have no interest in quitting smoking at the moment but, if I decide to, I'm well aware of the various options, thank you.
If you think that smoking is in any way related to any of the issues I've had to endure in my life then I think you're missing the point entirely. smoking is like any other addiction, not a habit. You can give up by gradual decreasing of cigarettes. It's by far the easiest way. Cold turkey is a one in 100,000 chance of quitting, patches are expensive and you are still absorbing nicotine. The financial side is a good motivator to stop as well. Imagine burning five pound notes every time you light up.
I wouldn't say any of these were really 'bad' but I guess we all use the word differently. I smoke, for instance, but I don't think about it as being 'bad' except on those occasions when I've been trying to stop and didn't manage it.
I suppose I do feel that being inconsiderate is bad in some situations though. I don't like myself much if, on reflection, I think I've been inconsiderate to someone who deserved my consideration.