This is a root and branch (pardon the pun), fresh-start, clean slate thread...and continuation of the Are there any women here? post
Rather than feeling trapped in my life, I just feel a bit stuck at the moment. Not just since my diagnosis though, that only happened at the start of January, but for the past three years really. My HFA diagnosis seems to mostly explain why I've been feeling so stuck for so long but it's not really helped with any inspiration or motivation (or whatever it is I need) to become unstuck.
I'm in a stable relationship (about 17-ish years now) and the children are grown / growing up so they're not 'full-time' anymore. I just always imagined that by this stage I'd, well ... 'know what I want to be when I grow up' by now, and I don't. I've spent the past 7 months or so attending to my health and getting to the bottom of a lot of things (hence the autism diagnosis) and that's all good, going well and all that ... but I'm just bored bored bored now.
I don't really understand what, if anything, I'm supposed to be doing with this diagnosis? I'm learning more and more about it every day, it does explain a lot and makes me feel a lot better about a lot of things, but what are we actually supposed to DO with this new knowledge? Ach, sorry. I'm probably just having a blue day today.
Endymion said:I don't really understand what, if anything, I'm supposed to be doing with this diagnosis?
Greetings, and I Post in this Thread largely due to confidence through having posted in the previous one...
A Formal Diagnosis is most useful with regards to dealing with the LAW. You may gain access to extra support and services and whatnot. A Formal Diagnosis does *not* have to be declared all of the time. And a Formal Diagnosis is also not an easy thing to obtain, and so Please consider it a very good and useful thing... you can choose to use it or not.
End of Post.
Endymion said:I don't really understand what, if anything, I'm supposed to be doing with this diagnosis? I'm learning more and more about it every day, it does explain a lot and makes me feel a lot better about a lot of things, but what are we actually supposed to DO with this new knowledge?
Very true ..
It is good to have you here... very good x
I felt a bit like that Endymion after I got my diagnosis last October. I thought I was going to feel delighted when I actually got the diagnosis, but I didn’t feel much at all. But after talking on here and learning more, after many realisations followed by grief and all of that and eventually I just kind of started accepting it. I think I thought I had already accepted it, but some of the things that happened post diagnosis made me realise that I hadn’t actually really accepted it, actually I hadn’t really thought about accepting it, I had just assumed I had, I think. But as I learned more and with more and more rest and with less and less contact with the outside world, it all kind of started to take on a life of its own. I’m looking into starting a masters degree in autism which looks really really interesting and that will lead to a PhD in the same subject. It’s like all my previous hopes and dreams began to wash away but in their wake, slowly but surely new plans are arising. I’ve still got a lot to do before I do anything, meaning I have many years of ‘stuff’ to sort out and clear out and I’ll be spending time building my fitness up gettimg my eating under control and eating regularly and stuff like that but I sense an exciting future ahead, much better than before because this time, I’ve got no fitting in to do, I can live my life my way. I told my mum and sister tonight that I’m not going to my nieces wedding, which felt weird, because she’s spending thousands and my family are all big into parties and stuff. I’ll miss not seeing all the family and friends but I’d rather catch up with them at funerals to be honest, I find people less interested in how they look etc at funerals. So yeah, I told them, they didn’t make a big deal about it, in fact they didn’t say anything at all. They’ll talk about me behind my back but I don’t mind that, I’d rather they say it behind my back rather than to my face because really, there’s nothing for it. I’m just not into parties. That’s one more step forward into no masking. Next to tell my sons girlfriend I won’t be going to the party she’s organised for him. He’ll wish I was there and I’ll bet I’ll have to sit and listen all about it but that’l be my part, I’ll listen and be all interested, so long as he doesn’t take too long to tell me all about it!
Thanks DC, I do indeed realise how lucky I am to have gotten my diagnosis exceptionally quickly and I am glad it is what it is - I feel better now knowing that I have autism than I did before my diagnosis when I just felt, sort of, broken. Having the diagnosis IS a good thing and has / will allow me to understand myself a lot more.
It's just that, other than for the purposes of introspection / personal growth and all of these types of things (which are valuable in their own right) the diagnosis doesn't help at all in addressing more practical issues. For me anyway. I don't need PIP or services or legal help or any of the other more practical applications of a diagnosis that I've heard about.
I don't actually know what I DO need to be honest. Just feeling a bit lost at the moment. Maybe it's normal, a coming-down-off-the-high of finally getting the diagnosis. Actually, since then all I've done is to read and learn about autism and reflect upon myself and my life - maybe I'm just bored of ME! Too much self-analysis perhaps.
Endymion said:I don't actually know what I DO need to be honest. Just feeling a bit lost at the moment. Maybe it's normal, a coming-down-off-the-high of finally getting the diagnosis. Actually, since then all I've done is to read and learn about autism and reflect upon myself and my life - maybe I'm just bored of ME! Too much self-analysis perhaps.
This is all quite alright and "normal". All of it. You do things at your own pace, in your own manner, when and while you can. Just keep on and mind yourself and then mind others, that is all.
I have little else to say apart from that upon that particular subject. ...!
I don't know entirely why but your words are somehow comforting DC. It's like being locked in a special kind of hell, understanding finally but a seemingly endless wait for official recognition. It's like being stuck not able to properly start the process of grieving or acceptance.
Hi spotty thank you for your kind words, and also the kind words echoed by Talentedmute.
Sadly I crashed out early this evening and only just woke up.
been a bit busy in various ways lately.mostly mentally.
Sorry you are still waiting for that validation of a formal diagnosis.
Also sad that you feel you are barely surviving, ready to break. You are not alone in that thought.
Not willing to share ,sorry.
Like you I am behaving in the most part as I always have, but I am also trying to be me, it isn’t being met with much acceptance from all directions!
I tried being me as an autistic at work but for the most part was rejected in many ways, I decided to ease off and just dig deep and carry on with the mask as best I could. Near impossible with my new found knowledge.
Work is very exhausting and full of frustration.
I work in an environment that is very manly, big strong men, They know I cannot associate with there way of thinking but make no attempt to be flexible, if anything they seem to relish being more manly. Watching videos that seek to belittle females.
or videos that think fighting or bullying can be Fun?
It can become overwhelming and starts to seep into my head like a viral infection spreading and causing me to feel ill.
I cannot blame anyone as they have only ever known the masked version of me, The me that always fits the needs of those around me, The me that comes across as being capable and exceptionally good at my job.
I can see how they feel, I try to reach out and help by giving an understanding but they aren’t really bothered so long as I am not a danger to them they cannot be bothered. I am to much like hard work.
I had a bad experience that gave me my first strong shutdown in that straight after It I froze, my mind stopped, I couldn’t see enough to write, the words I had to write didn’t come, I got in my van to come home and screamed and cried, I best myself up mentally, I felt anger and sadness, I could only feel sad that such ignorance was used against me. I spent a great deal of time thinking it over and I can see where the comments came from and Why, I have since worked with the same man and I forgive him.
He needs to understand the various types of autism and hopefully will one day, he only knows autism as a bad thing as he has a nephew with it who struggles with most everything. I on the other hand appear to be doing rather well so should not dare even think let alone say I am autistic.
I have reached if not passed the point where I feel I need support, and although my manager did say they would support me they ended that talk with “ once you have seen your GP and got your diagnosis you can get back to being normal” ouch ouch ouch, they had no idea just how painful those last few words were.
I really do share an awful lot with many of the things talked about in here.
I visit very often, and although I often feel like commenting I settle for tapping the up arrow. It shows I am here in spirit,
I like the fact that all women can come here and feel totally free to talk about just what life is like being a female with autism.
It is more than just autism that effects females there are many things that come with autism and being female. More so than for many males. I am not saying that men in any way are effected less by autism, but that females are loaded with many more expectations as Society dictates.
Anyway I have rambled on enough, and written enough to last a very long time, whoops I do chatter when I get going, sorry!
thank you for allowing me to exhist and I look forward to hearing from you more. That goes for all of you regardless of the wiring.
Take care and never feel you are on your own,
Lonewarrior said:I often feel like commenting I settle for tapping the up arrow. It shows I am here in spirit,
I do this as well. At times I would truly like to add more... yet I am (currently) in no position of Authority. That is my own excuse apart from Fear and Illness anyway... (!)