I started a new job around five months ago and have been doing okay, but I’ve now inadvertently upset a visitor - she’s being manipulative and hamming it up - and I’m fed up about it.
I’d been at my previous place for eight years and it was quite a wrench to leave.
I’m working hard to mask, but I’m doing a good job and resent the management being manipulated by this tricky neurotypical person who has form for this.
I didn’t disclose my aspergers when I applied because I don’t class myself as disabled and I’m actually very good at my job, it’s just that I’m direct and see through people who are less than honest.
I don’t know whether to just go back onto a nightshift job. Less people to upset. Not fulfilling though.
Where in your life are you being manipulative and hamming it up, or where have you been?
You’re good at your job so you aren’t disabled, so why would you consider using the diagnosis now?
It’s a gift to be able to see through people who are less than honest, which is most people, so use your gift wisely, otherwise it turns in on you and causes you pain in some way. How do you know you’re using your gift wisely? Because it brings you great joy and comfort, inner confidence and peace. Most people, and I would say, most of us, are manipulative and we ham it up, at least sometimes in our lives. Some of us are successful with this approach, and it gets us what we want. This person sounds like one of them. Let them have it. Would you rather be seen by others as right, and be isolated in an un-fulfilling job, or would you rather be seen as wrong, while knowing you’re right, and having a satisfying and enjoyable job?
I’m very direct in my approach. However, since realising I’m autistic, I’m finding new ways to express myself that bring harmony, as opposed to separation. I’m only just learning and so far, I’ve had an epic fail every time I’ve attempted it. I think I’ve attempted it six times, and each time has ended up with me totally losing it with people, shouting at them and shaking all over I had so much adrenaline running through me. So it’s fair to say, I think I need to work on that and spend more time by myself! Lol!
You will come across dishonest people almost every time you come into contact with somebody. It’s how we respond to that which brings us either inner peace or inner turmoil. The choice is always ours.
No it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up. She’s gone to management and said I’ve upset her kids by ignoring them when she brought them in. I didn’t even notice them. I was very busy and focused on what I was doing.
The visitor is doing it because she disapproves of something I have been doing for the person she visits.
I know it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up but trust me, life is nothing but a reflection of our insides. If she is in your life, hamming it up, you are either hamming something up in some area of your life or you have in the past or you’re thinking about it. Otherwise she would not be in your life hamming it up. There are no accidents in this world, none.
It’s ok to ignore her kids. Who amongst us has never been so absorbed in our work that we even noticed someone beside us. She isn’t very good at punishing people for doing things that she disapproves of otherwise she would have come up with something better than that. I think she’s just trying to let you know that she’s the boss as far as the person she visits is concerned. Play to that, let her know that you respect her and value her input and that you would be grateful if you two could work together to support the individual or whatever it is you’re doing. She’s afraid that’s all, she thinks your going to take her place in the individual’s eyes and she needs their approval. I don’t think she means you any serious harm, she’s just trying to tell you in a clumsy way that her input is important and she wants to be valued for it.
Having always worked in public facing roles I disagree with Blue Ray. I've met all sorts of characters and a lot of them have not been a reflection of whats been going on in my life.
This visitor sounds like she has control issues. If I was in this situation I would write down how the situation was making me feel, as I might struggle to get the words out effectively in a f2f meeting, then I would arrange a meeting with my line manager, express my concerns through the written comments and then ask them how they'd like me to handle the situation. I'd do this as I believe it shows that your conscientious and want to do the right thing. By then following my managements advice on how to handle the situation I would also feel less uncomfortable.
It sounds like your doing your best and hopefully your manager will see this.
You can of course take your approach, there’s no right or wrong, but each will have its corresponding results. So if you see this woman for what she is, a lady with low self esteem, who relies on the affections and approval of other people for her own self worth, then you can not only get her on board, but you will feel good by doing so. Or you can of course start writing down how bad you feel and how she’s ruining your life and reputation. You can take it as far as you can, fight your corner and still not have this woman on board and chances are, after all the writing about how bad you feel and all the meetings and fighting, chances are you will feel bad. When all along the lady simply needed some reassurance that she wouldn’t be replaced in the individuals affections, that she is valued and her contribution is important.
Both and all approaches are right, for the person who is performing the action, and it’s not so much the outcome that matters as much as how you feel on the inside about how you respond to the situation. If fighting her makes you feel good and is what you consider to be good customer service, go for it, knock yourself out, see if you can sue her for deflamatiom of character while you’re at it, you might as well take it all the way, why stop at the managers office.
I can’t shmooze people. I just don’t have the skills. I just perceive her as someone who’s trying to cause trouble for me and I’m now antagonised. I’m not there to stroke someone’s ego.
And she’s not there to pamper to your needs. If you perceive her as someone who’s trying to cause trouble for you then that’s exactly what she’ll do, and why not, it’s not her job that’s at stake, she’s simply trying to protect her failing self esteem so I’d say she has more to fight for than you and when people are fighting for their lives, they will go to extraordinary lengths. So good for you if you want to take her on but I don’t fancy your chances. She’s skilled at this, you’re not. Maybe working in a job that puts you in touch with other people is not the best option for you because the way that woman behaved is pretty typical for someone with low self esteem and there are plenty of people like that so they’re pretty hard to avoid, especially in a work situation. Being honest and genuinely complimenting her is not shmoozung her, it’s called customer care and genuine kindness and friendliness but if you consider being kind and understanding towards someone beyond your skills capacity or beyond something you are prepared to do, then like me, maybe it’s better to work in an area where there are no people, where you won’t risk getting antagonised.
Which is why I’m considering going back onto nightshift. I am kind and friendly towards people, including her when I met her. She’s just making a big deal over something which has only occurred in her mind.
I don’t want anyone to pander to my needs, I just don’t like being lied about and misrepresented.
No, I know how you feel and we have a particularly strong sense of right and wrong so these things can be particularly difficult for us. This leaves us with two choices; we can either get a job where we have less contact with people or we decide to learn to have different responses to such people/incidents. We can learn new skills, it just depends on how important the job is to you. And if you decide that job isn’t the best fit for you, it doesn’t mean you have to go back to doing night shifts, you can choose to do whatever you want.
I do like my job and don’t want to move into something else. I’ve been doing it for a long time and I can do it. I don’t know. I’ll see how it goes and just refer her to the manager if I’m in any doubt. We all have stuff we’re not so good at and this is my stumbling block.
Thanks for the advice and insight anyhow.
We do all have stuff that we’re not so good at and tricky people like her can be challenging. You sound much more confident in yourself now. It might be a good idea just to have a quite chat with your manager and say that this is an area of weakness (work places like to call it that, I don’t) and ask if she can support you as you value your job, you enjoy the work and you want to be as good as you can be. Say that a common trait of autism is that we have a strong sense of right and wrong and when we encounter somebody who’s being deceptive, we have a strong sense of highlighting the deception, otherwise we feel feel a tremendous amount of anguish from it that can last for a long time.
I wouldn’t say it’s a stumbling block for you, you’re qualities are a true gift and an asset to an employer, you simply need to discuss how the situation has affected you, so you can get some support around it to help you. I wouldn’t be talking to you now if I wasn’t getting help from my support worker, who works for the same authority where I used to work as a social worker. I had to get honest and admit I was struggling to meet my daily living needs. I don’t see this as a negative, it’s simoly one of those things that I’m not good at, but ask me to run the world and if be amazing! Joke! But it is a bit like that. Just don’t let this ladies dishonesty disturbed your equilibrium and make you doubt yourself. Think of her as a sick child, because effectively that’s what she is. There’s not a lot you can do for her but you can look after yourself. Every aspie on here knows what it takes to do what you’re doing. Protect yourself from these people, don’t let them shake your confidence, admit your no match for her in terms of deceptiveness. So just let your boss know, it’s not such a great deal in the scheme of things but that you would like her to know how you have been effected by this incident, so it doesn’t turn into a bigger deal than it is.
Maybe you’ve been playing down your (so called) difficulties, meaning your autism and trying to show the world you can do it. That’s a deception towards yourself and will create trouble for yourself. It’s like you’re persecuting yourself for being autistic. We are autistic and that means that there are some things in life that we just can’t do, some things we will find difficult and somethings we will do better than some most and so long as we own that and let other people know when we are struggling with something, then it’ll all be ok. You’re protected in law for that. You’re doing a great job and you sound like a lovely person.