I'm wanting my life to get better but I feel it's not getting much better and I'm not sure how to cope with the pressures and stresses of it.
I understand that life doesn't go in the way you want it to go sometimes and I just have to accept that life is an obstacle.
Having Asperger's has affected my social life in terms of establishing relationships with people.
I generally find establishing friendships to be a constant struggle and that I'm in a situation where I can't really rely on anyone and that I'm worried that I can't grow my independance and will still be living with my parents when I turn 40 (I'm 27).
I joined a website called CitySocialiser where I attended a quiz night since last December which I enjoy going to. I went to two days out on museum trips, although I enjoyed going to see these wonderful places, I didn't really feel I connected or established friendships with anyone from those events.
I'm attempting to address this problem of establishing relationships, I plan on still being a member of CitySocialiser and looking out for events where I can meet people with shared interests. I just recently became a member of MeetUp and planning to go to some events in the near future. I'm looking to take up
I just wondered if anyone has any suggestions on how to better my social life or things I should be doing more often to help my chances to better my life?
The only way I really found good social relationships with people is through activities I was interested in. I've always really struggled with talking to people I don't know at events where the aim is socialising. I'm 44 so I've done various things as I am pretty rubbish at sticking to things long term.
For me, these things were pretty good.
Scuba Diving (it's underwater so you can't talk but you can share amazing experiences with people that everyone wants to talk about after)Golf - it's always a small group and people tend to be fairly polite.Pub Quizzing - Because everyone needs an aspie in the team really, and you talk about the questions which is easy.Snooker/Pool - Same reason as golfFishing - Because people talk to you if you catch a nice fish, and you don't mind that because YAY. Similarly it's easy to talk to people who just caught a nice fish.Volunteering - Helping in a charity shop is kind of simpler and easier than socialising and you get to talk with people who are unlikely to be arses even if they are boring.Get a Dog - If you like dogs and you like talking about dogs, then having a dog is a certain way to meet other people who like talking about dogs. Wearing headphones and sunglasses seems to work on the days where I don't want to talk to anybody about dogs, or I just want to talk to the dog.
Hi Joe. First of all, life ALWAYS goes in the way you want it to, it’s just that the underlying cause (your deeper thoughts) are often not visible to the mind so we think things just happen to us, but they don’t, that’s not possible. And if you think life is a struggle, it will be, it can’t not be. That’s the universal law of cause and effect upon which our universe runs. So if you want better experiences, you have to have better thoughts.
If you find relationships to be a constant struggle then either don’t engage in them or find out why they are such a struggle, and address that. But I promise you, if you think they’re a struggle, they will be. Henry Ford once said, if you think you’re right or if you think you’re wrong, either way you’ll be right. Because that’s how the universe works. Cause and effect.
You can’t rely on anybody, you’re correct, and why would you want to? That doesn’t mean that you won’t grow your independence, far from it. When you know you can only rely on yourself, you can organise your life in such a way that you have everything you want, including people to spend enjoyable periods of time with, if that’s what you want.
You said you enjoyed the quiz night. That didn’t sound like too much of a struggle? You said you also enjoyed the museum trips but that you didn’t really connect or establish any friendships with any of the people that were at the event with you. What did you do to establish and begin to nourish a friendship? What friendly gestures did you make towards people? For example, did you smile and say hello and ask them about their interests in the museum? Trust me, if you ask people that question, they will leave your company thinking they have had a wonderful time and that you’re a wonderful person. All of us, aspies and nt’s, like to talk about and share our special interests with others who are open and willing to hear all about them. When we listen to another in this way, we are giving them a compliment, they enjoy it and are grateful for the opportunity and as such, both parties feel a sense of connection. They will go away thinking you’re a great person and a great conversationalist, even though you may have barely uttered a word all the time you were talking with them. This is the start of building friendships. They happen organically when we open up and offer friendship to others, when we show a genuine interest in them.
You have got a wonderful wonderful start in life, because you are open and willing to learn more how to effectively communicate and build loving and respectfull relationships with other people. It takes some practice, but you will get the hang of it, even if you make some blunders along the way. I had an epic fail with my son last night, but you know what, it’s ok, I’m still learning, we all are.
But it all starts with mind set. Look for the truth in every situation. You’re a very articulate, intelligent, interesting young man, who wouldn’t want to meet you? I would. You sound sensitive and caring with an adventurous outlook on life. You’re going to do more than fine because you are already amazing and you have already made a friend in me.
A good book to read would be ‘how to win friends and influence people’ by Dale Carnegie. It’s a classic and contains some very valuable, insightful and useful tips on how to win friends, genuinely, without manipulation. Here’s a link to a downloadable version of the book ia802304.us.archive.org/.../ebookDaleCarnegie-HowToWinFriendsAndInfluencePeople19371981.pdf
Take your time with it, if you have any questions, get back to me. I’m not sure if I’ve read the book but I know of it’s content and actually, you’ve inspired me to read it, if I haven’t already and even if I have, it’s next on my reading list anyways (a good book is one that is constantly being read and re-read throughout a person’s life). Thank you for the inspiration and thank you for being the wonderful being that you are. You’re a true gift to this world. Don’t let anybody let you think otherwise. Some will want to be friends with you, some won’t, move on, it’s ok, it’s not a judgement on you or them if a friendship isn’t formed, it’s simply that you both have different tastes, don’t spend time analysing it, just move happily along.