I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.
I hope you feel better after writing this post. It helps to get things of one's chest and I suspect that you, in common with me find it difficult to communicate with people verbally face to face.
The drugs sertraline and aripiprazole are for depression and phychlogical disorders. Are you also autistic?
Most people are not evil, they just don't understand us. In fact nobody understands me.
FYI this site is monitored and moderated so most of us avoid expressing extreme opinions.
I have sent you a DM regarding this post. I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings and thoughts. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.
If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on email@example.com.
MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful. https://www.mind.org.uk/
If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself or others - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.
If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.
I hope this information is helpful to you.
If you have any concerns please do send us a direct message to firstname.lastname@example.org.
NAS15974 said:Your complacency with the enablers in terrorising us will be your undoing. If you want to help us, give us a real choice to help ourselves.
First step then, is to learn the nature of the problem ~ i.e. the emotional trauma, and learn to constructively work it through yourself, and with others if required, in a healthy way.
Contemplate the information in the following article regarding emotional trauma:
If you have any questions, want to discuss what applies or not, or wish to consider more viable self-help options, lets us know as there are quite a few.
NAS15974 said:Well it's the middle of the night now. Having had a quick look through, the truth is who gives a flying **** what happens to some individual like me when there are so many of you ****ing each other.
Well the "you" you are referring to is an over-generalisation, or a stereotype, whereas in reality I care about you very deeply, as I have my own experiences of what you describe as the desire to go postal, which I did, and from which I learnt how not to.
NAS15974 said:The problem is that no solution is being given besides from drugs to cover up the fact that autism is brain damage, amplifying non trauma into trauma. It's a living joke.
Autism is not brain damage, but an evolutional progression like every other, and assuming you are not into reading scientifically detailed texts, ponder perhaps this relatively simple explanation via the following link:
NAS15974 said:I know how to pull my own trigger now and if I want to go boom into a incomprehendable rage, then that's OK because it's my choice to be a target for you for consumption
Well as long as you have a safe outlet and environment for your incomprehensible rage, be as trigger happy as you need to be ~ as comprehension of it does come eventually as you work it through. It can be explained if you have difficulty with the comprehension.
I started by learning hard form martial arts, i.e. bag kicking and punching, sparring in full body armour and block breaking and all that, and then incorporated those behaviourism into a soft form martial art ~ Tai Chi (or Tie Chee phonetically) ~ as gracefully bypasses all aggresive movements and tires the aggressor out with their ineffective exertion.
All sense of victim-hood dissipated and people have not been able to intimidate me since. If you feel that learning a martial art is appealing, I would of learnt just Tai Chi if I had been aware of it to start with.
NAS15974 said:Because I am my fault after all, lead by a consciousness that doesn't want to be one.
As far as being at fault goes ~ perhaps learn instead give up on that blag, and thereby learn to give up mistaking consciousness ~ for abusively induced subconscious states of awareness.
It may well take some time to stop denying it, and to learn instead perhaps as such step by step to embody more the conscious and creative beauty that is truly you.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I get part of what you're saying, although I'm not sure what you mean by 'consumption'. Who are what is consuming you, or part of you? It's not helpful that the site has censored 'you ****ing each other' - is this a reference to sex or abuse or something else?
I'm autistic and I get both frustrated with myself, and frustrated with others for not understanding (particularly mental health professionals who might be supposed to understand). There probably are (at least partial) solutions out there to make life more tolerable or even enjoyable, but you just haven't found them yet. Social skills for example can be learned, as can mastery of other facets of life.
Not wanting to be conscious sounds like an understandable response to pain. Rage is also a response to pain, frustration and injustice. It doesn't mean that your 'faith that it's wrong to damage others' is wrong. It is wrong to damage yourself and at least as bad to damage others. That doesn't mean it's wrong to have these violent feelings. I usually found that distracting from problems by doing something interesting or new or different helped after a long period, but also dealing with the pain and the injustice, to the limited extent that I could. Finding support can be a slow process, but getting resources on your side is a good strategy.
At this time of the morning (5.40am where I am), mention of the Samaritans seems appropriate as they're there 24 hours a day. Are you OK with the phone? They can take a few hours to respond to emails. You might be able to express specific problems that are bothering you at the moment.
I also found this page useful when thinking about suicide: https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
It's nice to hear from you.
I also suffer from insomnia. I wake up in the middle of the night for various reasons.
I don't want to kill or damage anyone, even if they deserve it.
This may sound like patronising but have you considered getting a pet or a hobby that could make you relaxed and happy to get on with life.
OK, I'll try a bit of cognitive empathy, if that's all right (although I identify as autistic, I don't see much difference in 'empathy', understanding, caring or sharing, just more introversion). I understand from what you wrote that your reasons for wanting to be dead are two: that you think you are impaired and that impairment can't be reversed; and that the powerful in society abuse the weak or create conflict, for their own ends. Is that about right?
I infer from that too, that the impairment is causing you either particular problems with other people or with yourself. And that privileged people are not listening to your concerns. When you mention people 'getting themselves' or 'self consumption' or 'turning myself into a weapon like you do', it seems like you see life as a battle for survival or predator-prey relationship (other people may see lives differently).
I'm not understanding the specifics though - maybe you don't want to share those? I know one tendency I have is to find patterns and over-generalise, so I do wonder if the conclusions you have drawn are incomplete. As you may know, cognitive behaviour therapy is about examining beliefs and assumptions that may be making you feel bad.
I don't think I said here that autism isn't brain damage. I've an open mind on the subject; as far as I'm concerned the results aren't in. I've recently considered whether I have damage to my ventro-medial PFC that interferes with my abilities to carry out plans or know my own emotions. On the other hand, I'm also interested by the idea that autism is largely caused by the same genes as are responsible for high intelligence. But even accepting autism as a social impairment, as most people do, or as damage to the central nervous system, is that any reason in itself for self-loathing or 'self consumption'? People with damage to their motor nerves or spinal cords may have to get around in a wheelchair, but that doesn't mean they can't live life to the full or be happy - provided of course that they get the right support.
Elsewhere on this forum, we've said that mental health services for autistic people are vastly inadequate, although this is slowly changing. Are you getting no help besides the two drugs? I've taken sertraline - it mostly just made me sleepy. Who is supposed to be responsible for supporting you? We all have to work together to make sure people can get what they need, particularly when there's an incompetent government.
You'd said you'd "been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with". How is that different from what you have at the moment?
I hope this reply is of some use and doesn't annoy too much.
NAS15974 said:And you're lying that autism isn't brain damage, I've seen brain scans on the internet of the inflammation and the broken neurons near the centre of the brain
Some people with autism have brain-damage, sure, no doubt, but all this business about autism being it, no, not so. My FMRI scan showed no brain damage, and also perhaps check the following link:
Autism is defined as a lifelong condition or difference. People who are autistic and face social barriers when younger can 'get better' by acceptance of differences and learning, and increased social confidence, especially if they have good support. They're still autistic. I'm part-way on that journey. David Byrne, the songwriter of Talking Heads, says he 'grew out' of (undiagnosed) autism and now comes across as happy and relaxed - you can hear from his Desert Island Discs on Radio 4 how he's actually turned his differences from 'normal' into a source of creativity and humour. Chris Packham is another famous example, or Daryl Hannah.
There is no effective drug 'treatment' for autism (I think the NICE guidelines mention this, among others). Autism is associated with mental distress in most autistic people, at least partly because of social barriers, and there are drug treatments for forms of distress including anxiety and depression. I'm not suggesting you come off the drugs, as they can have withdrawal effects, and it needs proper qualified medical supervision. But no one knowledgeable claimed the drugs could 'destroy' autism. You could ask for a medication review.
I think I have 'internal contradictions' in my condition - I'm someone who tends to hold myself to a standard that would be high for anyone, yet executive function problems stop me coming anywhere near it. I know what you mean about seeing yourself as the problem. There's a lot of brainwashing out there that wants people to think like that, blame everything on individuals. I'd recommend books like David Smail's Origins of Unhappiness, that explains that the mental health system can be complicit in making people blame themselves, when it's really (and it sounds like a cliché), a problem in society. Smail's solution involves acknowledging the flaws in the system and mobilising resources around you so you can begin to overcome the barriers to living life.
You said you'd 'seen brain scans on the internet of the inflammation and the broken neurons near the centre of the brain' (sorry, I'd missed part of the conversation with Deepthought earlier, possibly because the forum hid those messages). So far as I'm aware, there's no accepted biological cause for autism, and most researchers think there are many different causes. I wouldn't believe everything you see on the internet, of course, although if you can post the link to the scans, we can see if there's any basis to it (when you say the 'centre of the brain', I tend to think of the hypothalamus, substantia nigra and so on, but suspect this may be referring to the corpus callosum which some say is smaller on average in autistic people). Unfortunately there are a lot of people, particularly in the US, who are trying to make money by selling quack cures to desperate parents, and it's not just the treatments that are doing damage to autistic people, but the horror stories and stigmatisation of autistic people. 'Autism Speaks' has been widely criticised by autistic advocates as having a hugely negative impact on the acceptance of autistic people.
Do you have a mental health advocate? It sounds like, as with most of us, you don't any kind of support from an autism service, but if you can get other people to lend their voices, you may be able to find someone who really understands, and can help you in what you're doing positively for yourself.