Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.
Cassandro said: the impairment is causing you either particular problems with other people or with yourself.
yes... why aren't I getting better though? The neuroplasticity isn't working and it's very annoying. I want more drugs so that I can destroy the autism inside of me and be a normal person that gets to live their life and enjoy their selves. Because right now, I see my self as the problem tied directly to me. And I don't like it.
Autism is defined as a lifelong condition or difference. People who are autistic and face social barriers when younger can 'get better' by acceptance of differences and learning, and increased social confidence, especially if they have good support. They're still autistic. I'm part-way on that journey. David Byrne, the songwriter of Talking Heads, says he 'grew out' of (undiagnosed) autism and now comes across as happy and relaxed - you can hear from his Desert Island Discs on Radio 4 how he's actually turned his differences from 'normal' into a source of creativity and humour. Chris Packham is another famous example, or Daryl Hannah.
There is no effective drug 'treatment' for autism (I think the NICE guidelines mention this, among others). Autism is associated with mental distress in most autistic people, at least partly because of social barriers, and there are drug treatments for forms of distress including anxiety and depression. I'm not suggesting you come off the drugs, as they can have withdrawal effects, and it needs proper qualified medical supervision. But no one knowledgeable claimed the drugs could 'destroy' autism. You could ask for a medication review.
I think I have 'internal contradictions' in my condition - I'm someone who tends to hold myself to a standard that would be high for anyone, yet executive function problems stop me coming anywhere near it. I know what you mean about seeing yourself as the problem. There's a lot of brainwashing out there that wants people to think like that, blame everything on individuals. I'd recommend books like David Smail's Origins of Unhappiness, that explains that the mental health system can be complicit in making people blame themselves, when it's really (and it sounds like a cliché), a problem in society. Smail's solution involves acknowledging the flaws in the system and mobilising resources around you so you can begin to overcome the barriers to living life.
You said you'd 'seen brain scans on the internet of the inflammation and the broken neurons near the centre of the brain' (sorry, I'd missed part of the conversation with Deepthought earlier, possibly because the forum hid those messages). So far as I'm aware, there's no accepted biological cause for autism, and most researchers think there are many different causes. I wouldn't believe everything you see on the internet, of course, although if you can post the link to the scans, we can see if there's any basis to it (when you say the 'centre of the brain', I tend to think of the hypothalamus, substantia nigra and so on, but suspect this may be referring to the corpus callosum which some say is smaller on average in autistic people). Unfortunately there are a lot of people, particularly in the US, who are trying to make money by selling quack cures to desperate parents, and it's not just the treatments that are doing damage to autistic people, but the horror stories and stigmatisation of autistic people. 'Autism Speaks' has been widely criticised by autistic advocates as having a hugely negative impact on the acceptance of autistic people.
Do you have a mental health advocate? It sounds like, as with most of us, you don't any kind of support from an autism service, but if you can get other people to lend their voices, you may be able to find someone who really understands, and can help you in what you're doing positively for yourself.