Considering going postal

I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.

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  • Help me help myself to you like those do with cognitive empathy and I might just not do anything stupid. And you're lying that autism isn't brain damage, I've seen brain scans on the internet of the inflammation and the broken neurons near the centre of the brain. And suicide is a choice to opt out of that existential impairment.

    I want to be dead as my genuine disdain of this situation continues to evolve that those that lead are those that abuse reality for social acquisition through intrepidation. Those that play the game of projecting hate are the winners because in the end, they get what they want. Themselves.

Children

  • And you're lying that autism isn't brain damage, I've seen brain scans on the internet of the inflammation and the broken neurons near the centre of the brain

    Some people with autism have brain-damage, sure, no doubt, but all this business about autism being it, no, not so. My FMRI scan showed no brain damage, and also perhaps check the following link:


    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/i-have-aspergers-and-my-mum-says-my-brain-works-differently-how-so/


  • OK, I'll try a bit of cognitive empathy, if that's all right (although I identify as autistic, I don't see much difference in 'empathy', understanding, caring or sharing, just more introversion).  I understand from what you wrote that your reasons for wanting to be dead are two: that you think you are impaired and that impairment can't be reversed; and that the powerful in society abuse the weak or create conflict, for their own ends.  Is that about right?

    I infer from that too, that the impairment is causing you either particular problems with other people or with yourself.  And that privileged people are not listening to your concerns.  When you mention people 'getting themselves' or 'self consumption' or 'turning myself into a weapon like you do', it seems like you see life as a battle for survival or predator-prey relationship (other people may see lives differently).

    I'm not understanding the specifics though - maybe you don't want to share those?  I know one tendency I have is to find patterns and over-generalise, so I do wonder if the conclusions you have drawn are incomplete.  As you may know, cognitive behaviour therapy is about examining beliefs and assumptions that may be making you feel bad.

    I don't think I said here that autism isn't brain damage.  I've an open mind on the subject; as far as I'm concerned the results aren't in.  I've recently considered whether I have damage to my ventro-medial PFC that interferes with my abilities to carry out plans or know my own emotions.  On the other hand, I'm also interested by the idea that autism is largely caused by the same genes as are responsible for high intelligence.  But even accepting autism as a social impairment, as most people do, or as damage to the central nervous system, is that any reason in itself for self-loathing or 'self consumption'? People with damage to their motor nerves or spinal cords may have to get around in a wheelchair, but that doesn't mean they can't live life to the full or be happy - provided of course that they get the right support.

    Elsewhere on this forum, we've said that mental health services for autistic people are vastly inadequate, although this is slowly changing.  Are you getting no help besides the two drugs?  I've taken sertraline - it mostly just made me sleepy.  Who is supposed to be responsible for supporting you?  We all have to work together to make sure people can get what they need, particularly when there's an incompetent government.

    You'd said you'd "been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with".  How is that different from what you have at the moment?

    I hope this reply is of some use and doesn't annoy too much.

  • It's nice to hear from you.   

    I also suffer from insomnia.  I wake up in the middle of the night for various reasons.

    I don't want to kill or damage anyone, even if they deserve it.  

    This may sound like patronising but have you considered getting a pet or a hobby that could make you relaxed and happy to get on with life.