Considering going postal

I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.

Parents
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  • Sorry to hear you're going through this.  I get part of what you're saying, although I'm not sure what you mean by 'consumption'.  Who are what is consuming you, or part of you?  It's not helpful that the site has censored 'you ****ing each other' - is this a reference to sex or abuse or something else?

    I'm autistic and I get both frustrated with myself, and frustrated with others for not understanding (particularly mental health professionals who might be supposed to understand).  There probably are (at least partial) solutions out there to make life more tolerable or even enjoyable, but you just haven't found them yet. Social skills for example can be learned, as can mastery of other facets of life.

    Not wanting to be conscious sounds like an understandable response to pain.  Rage is also a response to pain, frustration and injustice.  It doesn't mean that your 'faith that it's wrong to damage others' is wrong.  It is wrong to damage yourself and at least as bad to damage others.  That doesn't mean it's wrong to have these violent feelings.  I usually found that distracting from problems by doing something interesting or new or different helped after a long period, but also dealing with the pain and the injustice, to the limited extent that I could.  Finding support can be a slow process, but getting resources on your side is a good strategy.

    At this time of the morning (5.40am where I am), mention of the Samaritans seems appropriate as they're there 24 hours a day.  Are you OK with the phone?  They can take a few hours to respond to emails. You might be able to express specific problems that are bothering you at the moment. 

    I also found this page useful when thinking about suicide: https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Children
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