Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm currently medicated on sertraline and aripiprazole and whilst they have worked for the last few years, my core rage is growing again. I hate humans with a vicious disdain for enabling each other into forcing me down the path of self consumption. I've been trying to build a living situation that I'm happy with but been largely unsuccessful due to this condition. And since euthanasia is illegal and have been prevented from building my own one, there is only one path left that I've resisted out of faith that it's wrong to damage others. But as long as I'm being denied a cure for my condition, I am damaged by others and I feel it's about time that I sought retribution for their evil. I'm undecided about my approach other than going back into hospital and damaging a few people for their conditions. Without my hate, I feel weak and disjointed into accepting that I am a target for everyone. I now want to save myself from you and can't do it whilst disabled. I've been caring about myself less and less each day and it's time for me to stop living and start breathing. Once committed, there will be no turning back. They only thing that is stopping me is me and if I loose anymore of myself to you, I can't promise that I will be responsible for myself.
Well it's the middle of the night now. Having had a quick look through, the truth is who gives a flying **** what happens to some individual like me when there are so many of you ****ing each other. The problem is that no solution is being given besides from drugs to cover up the fact that autism is brain damage, amplifying non trauma into trauma. It's a living joke.
I know how to pull my own trigger now and if I want to go boom into a incomprehendable rage, then that's OK because it's my choice to be a target for you for consumption. Because I am my fault after all, lead by a consciousness that doesn't want to be one.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I get part of what you're saying, although I'm not sure what you mean by 'consumption'. Who are what is consuming you, or part of you? It's not helpful that the site has censored 'you ****ing each other' - is this a reference to sex or abuse or something else?
I'm autistic and I get both frustrated with myself, and frustrated with others for not understanding (particularly mental health professionals who might be supposed to understand). There probably are (at least partial) solutions out there to make life more tolerable or even enjoyable, but you just haven't found them yet. Social skills for example can be learned, as can mastery of other facets of life.
Not wanting to be conscious sounds like an understandable response to pain. Rage is also a response to pain, frustration and injustice. It doesn't mean that your 'faith that it's wrong to damage others' is wrong. It is wrong to damage yourself and at least as bad to damage others. That doesn't mean it's wrong to have these violent feelings. I usually found that distracting from problems by doing something interesting or new or different helped after a long period, but also dealing with the pain and the injustice, to the limited extent that I could. Finding support can be a slow process, but getting resources on your side is a good strategy.
At this time of the morning (5.40am where I am), mention of the Samaritans seems appropriate as they're there 24 hours a day. Are you OK with the phone? They can take a few hours to respond to emails. You might be able to express specific problems that are bothering you at the moment.
I also found this page useful when thinking about suicide: https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
NAS15974 said:Well it's the middle of the night now. Having had a quick look through, the truth is who gives a flying **** what happens to some individual like me when there are so many of you ****ing each other.
Well the "you" you are referring to is an over-generalisation, or a stereotype, whereas in reality I care about you very deeply, as I have my own experiences of what you describe as the desire to go postal, which I did, and from which I learnt how not to.
NAS15974 said:The problem is that no solution is being given besides from drugs to cover up the fact that autism is brain damage, amplifying non trauma into trauma. It's a living joke.
Autism is not brain damage, but an evolutional progression like every other, and assuming you are not into reading scientifically detailed texts, ponder perhaps this relatively simple explanation via the following link:
https://theconversation.com/how-our-autistic-ancestors-played-an-important-role-in-human-evolution-73477
NAS15974 said:I know how to pull my own trigger now and if I want to go boom into a incomprehendable rage, then that's OK because it's my choice to be a target for you for consumption
Well as long as you have a safe outlet and environment for your incomprehensible rage, be as trigger happy as you need to be ~ as comprehension of it does come eventually as you work it through. It can be explained if you have difficulty with the comprehension.
I started by learning hard form martial arts, i.e. bag kicking and punching, sparring in full body armour and block breaking and all that, and then incorporated those behaviourism into a soft form martial art ~ Tai Chi (or Tie Chee phonetically) ~ as gracefully bypasses all aggresive movements and tires the aggressor out with their ineffective exertion.
All sense of victim-hood dissipated and people have not been able to intimidate me since. If you feel that learning a martial art is appealing, I would of learnt just Tai Chi if I had been aware of it to start with.
NAS15974 said:Because I am my fault after all, lead by a consciousness that doesn't want to be one.
As far as being at fault goes ~ perhaps learn instead give up on that blag, and thereby learn to give up mistaking consciousness ~ for abusively induced subconscious states of awareness.
It may well take some time to stop denying it, and to learn instead perhaps as such step by step to embody more the conscious and creative beauty that is truly you.