I am a 27yr old female and my boyfriend is 26yr old male who was diagnosed with asperges at age 9.
I have wanted to ask for help, advice or suggestions and possibly similar experiences if applicable for quite some time however I've not been comfortable with putting into words my issue or experience and also find it quite upsetting.
I don't want to go on too much but I will start at the beginning.
I met my be 2 yrs ago, he was extremely charming, affectionate, very very manly and 'bloke like', generous with money, would drive hours after 16hr shifts to see me for even an hour or two, he took me on days out rather than the usual 'laddy' dates or standard dates, he has very few friends only one I have heard of who he speaks to daily through his phone and rarely sees face to face now however used to see at least once a week. He seemed to have his head screwed on, extremely good career in the rail industry so he is up and down the country with work both him and I have did used how his asperges has been of benefit to his position in work which he used to really enjoy and he was very proud if his job and work ethic,, extremely good wage, he had his own car which was a flashy Audi, he had a lot of money saved, he also had his own apartment, up to date with all bills and responsibilities. He took me on holidays to Mexico, verbjer in Switzerland, Paris, and always weekends away.
My be voted on me completely and said he loved me more so because I wasn't interested in the flashy holidays or money, and I was grateful, hard worker, I didn't have much but I had my own responsibilities which I was managing and I had a job, money to do things I wanted to within reason, great rekatio ship with groups of friends and a few very close true friends, amazing family who were impressed with my be at the start and he expressed how much he loved my family, which was hugely important to me, he is from another city an hour or so away and 5/6 months from speaking with him we were in a relationship and he was not asking but basically telling me we were moving in together, he was sick of only seeing me a few times a week and the planning of seeing as each other as we lived in different cities, he insisted on how much he wanted to move his life to live with me in my city.
So I ended up doing all the viewings, we rented a little and very expensive flat where I am from. He always said money was no issue and he was happy for me to contribute what I already was path g to live on my own as I couldn't afford anymore.
Long story short we started speaking in jan 2016, he moved to my city in Oct 2016, and by man 2017 I had discovered a very different side to him. He would call me names, like swearing at me calling me a useless c**t over minor things or over nothing, he would repeatedly tell me I offer him nothing he can't easily get from anyone else,
He is a good looking boy, muscular figure, very tall, very manly looking, and he is all but too aware of it. His behaviour especially towards me drastically change and when i look back to this time last year it was almost overnight, the lies started and the stories, which i lapped up like the fool i was. The dislike and lack of interest started. In march 2017 he got a job working away in Scotland, he did not discuss it with me he just told me he was going. He's behaviour pretty much as soon as he started working away was just unbelievably bad, I don't know where to begin with the things he would say and within seconds it would go from me being the most worthless piece of s**t had ever known to move up here with me. I had no idea where this behaviour and so much more was coming from but he kept telling me there us something up with him he needs space and time to get help, so I did the whole researching if asperges and wondered if it was related in some way.
In april 2017 he booked a holiday to mexuco that cost him over 3k, he hadnt oaid bills on our apartment, he was earning iver 1200 per week, i was earning 1k per month and never had a penny spare, again I didn't understand why I thought he had his head screwed on and when he has his mind set on something you're fighting a losing battle TRYING to make him see sense, so the holiday was booked. He then said because we were going through such a rough patch lots of arguing and him not wanting me anymore then begging for me etc he was putting the holiday to Mexico off until my bday in Aug and he was going to use his holiday off work to go on his own to the alps in France which he loves. I didn't agree but I supported him and what he said was best. I found out in june017 that he had actually not been to France, he had gone to Mexico on our holiday with another girl he had been seeing for a month from a city closer to Scotland. He then confessed that he has a cocaine adduction which I think I went into shock. From this time in may 2017 up to Nov 2017 he has cheated (What I 100% know of) on me with 5 people, 2 are girls, 3 turned out to be pre ok transsexuals, he didn't use protection with them all, he from what I know didn't have only sexual relationships with them all with a few it seemed to be a bit more, the ibfudrkity, the drugs, the constant lies and stories, even lies that aren't necessary or stories that go into detail, has anybody had any experience similar to thus????
He prides on being a butch manly bloke like character, and was mortified when I found out he had slept with a pre op transsexuals in his car, hotels and even in our home, and he has said it was all for drugs because he could not get the money he needed for them and knew if he manipulated trans (where apparently he knew drugs were easier to find in their community) he could have access to drugs, he tells me he is disgusted in himself as he is 100% heterosexual, he said he's blocked all occasions out and etc etc he thinks I am disgusting and evil for even considering or suggesting he has a curiosity or a fetush ir attraction be ause all people he has cgeated with gave saud a similar story and that tgere were so many occasions where drugs were nit invokved and one imoarticular didnt aid him with cintacts for drugs until montgs after breaking tgeur affair off.
What do I do? How do I approach this? From what u have read on asperges lying isn't something which an aspie appears you finds so easy and natural, am I wrong? Because my bf is an absolute master of lying and manipulating.
I now a year after seeing with all of this am almost completely forgetting who I used to be, I'm severely depressed and gave been diagnosed with endegonous depression, I also have crohns disease, I am currently you off sick from work, I have gone from being very close with my family to barely speaking to any of them, I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago and genuinely have no want to be here anymore, but I can't find a way to go to sleep forever without tearing my families lives apart. My be is aware of where u am at mentally and has begged for months for a chance, I have given him one, a huge one thus the, and were back to the same old treatment. He was the person I went to after my attempted suicide and since then (just under 3 weeks) he has told me a lot more of how useless I am, how meaningless my life is, pathetic I am, what a week person I am, to go and kill myself again but do it properly thus time, how I fail at everything even killing myself I fail at,,, you get the drift, rather than the support and care and love he has begged to be able to give me. I feel I won't ever escape him and I am at fault for it because somehow I love him, I question whether it's live or whether it is the result if months of breaking me down to the point where I have 0 self worth or self esteem and I don't have any want for life anymore, I feel I'm disgusting if I can accept the things has done to me and still want love from him and still be here!
What can I do to make my life easier with him? Does anyone know any tips for when has in tunnel vision anger more? For when I'm breaking my heart crying over the things has done to me? Does anybody have experience with an adult male who has an extremely high sex drive and seems to push the boundaries for that rush? Am I wrong for thinking is he straight or bi or sexually curious? Is it really for drugs? Are asperges good at manipulating and living almost a double life?
I have read an awful lot of stories about how an adult male with mild asperges tends to be the knight in shining armour at the beginning, and then almost when you're hooked you're eventually discarded like a used tissue, but I have been discarded and asked and begged to still be in his life and begged for months and months to be here, yet as soon as I am he changes
I can't advise about him in his behaviours v drugs.
However, I will be blunt and to the point and it might not be the answer you might want but it's the answer I hope I would be given because it is the answer that I would need.
The bottom line is that you are with someone who is doing drugs and cheating on you without protection, lying to you and treating you like dirt and has had a very damaging effect on your esteem etc - what would you say to a friend/sister in your situation? Leave. Don't hang around to get sucked into debts or to have any effects of his unprotected activities. The car, holidays, good times are not worth the price to pay with debt and STIs or aids and the bad behaviours.
Get advice from Citizens Advice Bureau about separating yourself from any potential of debt eg joint bank account? get removed from it. Joint tenancy? Bills? get yourself removed from them if you can. Move out, put yourself on the electoral role for your new address if as proof of not being there and whatever else the C.A.Bureau suggest, email them, they will respond within a few days. I've seen colleagues go through such things, having a solicitors draft proof/letter of separation so they don't pick up their spouses debts. Protect yourself and get out of it. Leave with no forwarding address when he is away, block his number. Try looking for forums for partners of drug addicts or exes of and how to leave them for any information and help on doing so there..
Unfortunately there is no sugar coating it, in cold daylight you are with a drug user who is having unprotected activities.
Pardon my brutal honesty and bluntness but I wouldn't want to see anyone I cared for in your situation, no matter what their partner was. No forwarding address, block him from your phone, all social media etc, it's toxic and harmful to you. Stop trying to save 'Us' and put your energies into saving you, surround yourself with family for support to get yourself back to yourself, listen to them and not to him.
May I ask, how did you meet him in the first place?
Was it online? through mutual friends? At work ?
thank you you very much for your response and you are right. Period
He is in recovery and has been clean for a number of months and has moved back to his family’s. I just wondered if a lot of his behaviours like the lying about things that he doesn’t actually have to lie about are Asperger related. And the verbal abuse etc
thanks again x
I met him through a dating app, and within a few months we met each other’s families who I have grown close to his mum inparticular, she is now heavily involved with his recovery etc
I don't have the answer to that, maybe it is, maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was masking and trying to be what he saw as macho behaviour by others, maybe not.
I think there's a common misconception that Aspies can't or won't lie... but of course we do!
At the end of the day, even those with autism can still be a c**t! Asperger's should be no excuse for treating others poorly. Irrespective of the challenges we may face, at some point we just have to take ownership of our own responses and behaviours.
As my dear ol' Mam used to say - god rest her soul - "regardless of what's happening, there's just no excuse for being a douche-bag."
You have wrote a tremendous amount of words on here and most of them are about HIM! What about YOU.
Get away from him, as far away from him as you can and as quickly as you can and implement no contact, immediately. This will not be easy and you will need support. If you can be around your family and friends, that will be ideal, you’re going to need their support, this is not going to be an easy journey.
He love bombed you, put you on a pedastal then ripped you to shreds. Typical narcissistic behaviour
The best in the world, in my experience, of helping you to come through this, survive, thrive and be better than you ever were, is Melanie Tonia Evans. You can find lots of her work on YouTube, on her website and if you are on Facebook, she has a couple of excellent groups on there. It won’t be an easy journey but it is the only way for you to live. Committing suicide is like a badge of pride for a narcissist, it gives them so much power and pride but this isn’t about him, it’s about you. Get away, get in touch with Melanie’s work and say hello to your new life.
You also need to cut contact with his mother and anybody else who knows him. This is crucial.
I'd tend to agree. Such people are emotional vampires. The thing is, too... once you're under their influence, it's very hard to extricate yourself without getting hurt in some way. They can have such a hold on you - especially if you're a sensitive person. They thrive on that. I've had more than my share of such people in my life. I no longer take any chances. I've been drawn in too many times. I've recently, too, had a very salutary lesson in how easy it is to be gulled by seemingly charming and trustworthy people.
Having read through your summary of him I would say I think this Asperger's is a misdiagnosis, or at the very least a secondary issue. From your descriptions of him it would seem more like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and a fairly extreme case at that, he comes across as almost a classic unbridled narcissist.
My advice to you would be get out and cut off all contact, NPDs are some of the most dangerous people to be around, they will bully, manipulate and use people until they see no further use for you, they will make sure they destroy you first.
He won't change, if anything he will get worse.