Just want to chat

Hi all, my first post. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with a SpLD (Dyspraxia) in 2003, but it never fit. My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspies and me too just recently. It's helped a lot, but doesn't stop the pain. I had a meltdown today. I was trying to get my pigheaded colleague to authorise something but he kept throwing it back at me telling me things I already knew and what I should be doing but he didn't give me what I needed. The crazy thing is, I've been doing the job for about 3 years and him only a few months, so he's treating me like I don't know anything just because he's a senior grade. I couldn't get him to see logic. This isn't the first time and I know he doesn't respect me. I had a meltdown and couldn't stop. It's like acid brain and there's little me inside watching the tears and frustration, sobbing in the ladies' loos, and I have no control. I made my lovely boss cry as I told her to go away when she was just trying to help. I could her an upset wobble in her voice but I couldn't stop. I feel so guilty and devastated. I just want to curl up and sleep afterwards but, even if I could, I feel so ashamed afterwards I can't settle. I feel, even though I was justified in getting deeply frustrated with the lack of logic, it was still my fault I hurt people. Does this happen to you?

Alexandra

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  • Hi ,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. You may like to contact our Autism Helpline team to chat through the situation. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm).Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

    Please see the following link for further information:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main.aspx

    Best wishes,

    Nellie-Mod

  • Yeah, I know what you mean about people talking to you like you’re simple. My work coach at the job centre has been great with me, she has a step daughter that is autistic and she previously worked with people with severe autism for seven years. However, she talks to me sometimes like I’m simple. I want to say to her, sweetheart, I have degrees, I used to earn in a day what you earn in a week, I might not be able to do some daily living activities but I’m not f*****g simple! Lol! But if I said that, it would be taken in a way I didn’t intend, so I don’t say it, and I’m not angry at her, far from it, it was her who organised my current help, she’s been brilliant and I’m really grateful to her and I really like her. 

    I choose now, to mostly not speak to other people too much. I’m good with my autism group but with other people, I acknowledge that we speak a different language and therefore there will always be confusion if one or both of us is not willing to stick with the conversation until we both understand what we’re both saying to each other. And quite franky, most people are unwilling to go to those lengths, which is fine by me, because I’m happy in my own little world, without the interference of other people coming into my sphere. People still come and talk to me of course, generally when they want some advice or something and they have all learned (apart from my son), not to come to me unless they want genuine solutions to their ills, and they always get them, so they go away happy and all is well. That’s enough social interaction for me, most of the time. I have no power over how I am perceived by other people and neither is that any of my business and to be honest, I have no idea how I come across to people so I don’t pay it any attention. Getting involved with thoughts about how I come across, what do people think of me etc, is a bit like a dog trying to catch its tail, it’l be at it forever but he’ll never catch it. I’ve got other things I’d rather be doing. 

  • I'd agree with most of what you say there is the problem of the attitude of the person to whom you have communicated your need for instructions to be clearly stated, I had occasion to tell someone I share a house with that I was probably Autistic which was why I often seem confused by the idiomatic languaage that she uses so now she talks to me as if I am simple. So much so that I can barely stand being in the same room with her.

    This is not something I feel I am able to get angry about because I can never be sure what the effect of the words I use has on the person I am speaking to or what thy understood of it, I might have over-stated my case or she might simply be a piss-taker, I don't know.

    The blunder I commit more than any other is to reveal the chinks in my armour to people whose character I know I cannot gauge, this is often disastrous I am also aware that attempts at concealment of vulnerable areas are easily picked up on by some people who often turn out to be remorseless bullies so you end up trying to pretend that nothing is wrong, you have no hang-ups about anything but sooner or later, they catch an insight into what they ecognise as oddness and then the slow, downward slidde of self-confidence and what struggles to impersonate inner calm is hanging on by its fingertips.

    Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.

    enough

  • If you never feel good enough or able to give people what they want, then the natural laws of the universe, the law of cause and effect, will guarantee that you will never give people what they want, no matter how hard you try. You will simply be trying in vain because you have already declared that you are not good enough to do so. You are not responsible for giving people what they want. If people want you to do something for them, then it is their responsibility to communicate this to you in a very clear and precise way, in which you can understand. No guess work required and the responsibility is on them to communicate to you what they want from you. If I want a dog to sit, I have to be able to communicate that to the dog in a way that he understands otherwise I’ve got no chance. If I sit the dog down and try to have a chat with him about my need for him to sit when I tell him to, he won’t understand me, no matter how elequant or articulate I am, he still won’t understand me until I communicate with him in a way that he does. It’s the same with people. 

    Why are we like this? I guess we’re just lucky that’s all. 

  • Yeah, you said it Lonewarrior, a vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain. And the definition of insanity, is to keep doing the same things with the same undesirable effects, again and again. 

    As you said, if it ‘appears’ that we have upset somebody, then we can simply turn to the truth and know that not only have we not upset them, but that it’s not even possible to do so. This is the truth. So the next time you ‘appear’ to have upset somebody, instead of going down the same well trodden path of self destruction, you can turn to the truth and declare, I am no more responsible for this person’s temporary unhappy state than I am for their temporary happy state or any other state we dance and float between during any given day. They are the cause of their pain, like we’re the cause of our pain. 

  • I just never feel good enough or able to give people what they want...no matter how hard I try... continual guess work! Why are we like this! ..... arrrrgggghhh! 

  • And me, I never intend to upset, maybe I am not always at fault? It may just be that they are not in a happy place anyway?

    Regardless it upsets me a lot more when I presume I may have been responsible.

    I then go through that spiral of internalising the pain I sense and feel, when I feel I have really upset someone greatly I feel my whole body pulse with a wave of tingling pain flow from shoulders to toes, Inevitably if this continues and is noticed I become defensive and if any form of comfort or understanding is offered I reject it as I feel unworthy for causing such hurt.

    A vicious circle of self inflicted internalised pain.

  • To be honest, I don’t see any wedding or party necessary to attend, just because those things are important to some people, it doesn’t mean they’re important for all of us. And yeah, I reckon you’ll be absolutely fine and you’ll feel great afterwards knowing that you were there to support your daughter and you did it. 

  • True, no-one else will be as affected by my absences as I will by forcing myself to be around people the whole time. As long as I'm there to watch my daughter compete, the socialising afterwards isn't necessary. Especially as she will want to celebrate and socialise with the people her own age. (Unlike me, she's very much a people-person.) 

    I think it'll be fine, as long as I take the Rescue Remedy and have my own accommodation booked. I'll be able to wind-down in my own space at the end of each day

    I think you're right about your niece's wedding, seeing as you haven't spoken in so many years. I don't tend to get involved with extended family either, there's quite enough to be getting on with just with immediate family!    

  • Yeah, I don’t think people realise all the stress we go through just thinking about these things and thats before we even consider whether we’re goung to go or not! lol! I’ve decided I’m not going to my son’s party or my nieces wedding (she hasn’t spoken to me (properly) since our uncle died in 2013 so I doubt she will care whether I’m there or not, it’s the rest of them that think I ‘should’ go, it’s the proper thing etc. 

    You mentioned Bach’s Rescue Remedy, I love that too, it seems to do the job and settle me down although even I’m feeling anxious at your up coming trip! Lol! I would say spend as little time as possible at the stadium and with the others and the truth is, most people don’t notice our absence anyway, most people are wrapped up in themselves to really care about anybody else. 

  • Thank you for the suggestion but I'm no use at taking drugs. I somehow over-react to any type of drug at all, not that I've been given many but my experiences with Epidural and Co-Codamol were enough to put me off trying anything else!! 

    The only thing I ever take, and only in severe cases, is Paracetomol and that only seems to work because it sends me into a deep sleep.

    I might try Bach's Rescue Remedy, that helped during stressful exam periods so it could help again. I don't think it actually has any active ingredients so it's probably more a case of mind-over-matter or the placebo effect - either way, it worked!  

  • I feel deeply for people and hate it when I upset them. The guilt is overwhelming and I chew at it over and over. My boss is definitely autistic, though undiagnosed. She has a blank face that I can't read. Normally that's a sign for me that people are upset. She admits that she's not a people person. I keep getting upset with her as she stresses me out so much. It saddens me as she's actually very nice. But I know she resents me. When I asked her for help re some minutes I had struggled to take at a meeting, she tossed her notebook hard across the desk at me, saying I should use her notes, leaving me shattered. Today, when I sent her an email full of info, she rushed in and said, 'Thanks for filling up my inbox, Alex!'. I know she's overwhelmed with stress, but I felt the anger and I cried. Again, another setback that makes her more ill-at-ease with me. She's doing all she can to help me with my disability and to understand me, but this is making me ill, as I have inflammatory bowel disease. I don't know how to cope with it.

  • Endymion, have you thought about beta blockers. I used to suffer terribly with social anxiety when I was young. Just having them (preferably propranolol hydrochloride) in my handbag, knowing that I can take them to help me through a difficult experience, has made me much more confident and I have managed to go into scary things such as meetings where everyone is facing each other. That used to have me in sweats just at the thought of it. Now I can go into them with little thought. 

  • We just don’t sometimes, think of things that is! Lol! Even though we are chronic over thinkers! You know, you could turn this into a really exciting trip for you. Book alternative accommodation and let the school know you will be going but that you’re autistic so they may have to make some accommodations for you. For example, you couldn’t possibly be around everyone all of the time, you absolutely need time by yourself to be able to function, to be there if anything happens and to prevent meltdowns and them having to help you! You can plan this trip your way and have a great time. You can have your phone on you so they can reach you at all times (which is itself is a stressful thought) but tell them that you’re more than willing and happy to accompany your child, but they must respect  your needs. Jeez, I feel like going on the trip myself now, I’m getting all excited! lol! You’re going to be the envy of all the parents, they’ll all want to be aspie when they find out you don’t have to sleep in shared accommodation when you’re an aspie and you can have lots of wonderful time to yourself, doing whatever the heck you want :-) 

  • Actually, looking for alternative sleeping arrangements might not be a bad idea at all!! (Why didn't I think of that?)

    There isn't anyone else who could realistically go in my place, my partner works full-time and wouldn't be able to take the time off - especially in the summer period. As I don't work at the moment (as in no employment but also, overthinking as usual, in many other ways) I'm the one who usually does the bulk of the 'children'-related activities. 

    Thank you though, I am going to look into perhaps booking B+B accommodation, or another alternative to the communal sleeping arrangement, as it would make the trip a LOT more bearable and give me somewhere to retreat to when I'm not 'on duty'.  :)   Feeling a bit better about the trip already!!

  • Is there somebody else that could go in your place Endymion? It doesn’t have to be you, another responsible adult will do the job. I’m realising that it’s important for us to keep the things we are not good st, to a minimum, leaving some room of and when we need/want to do them. In this case though, I think it would be more than ok to let somebody else go in your place and if that’s not possible, if you can’t find anybody then look for alternative sleeping arrangements etc, try to minmise the horrors of it all. 

  • I know that feeling! My youngest daughter has an opportunity to travel and take part in a sports competition, representing her club. This is important to her and I want her to take part and enjoy the experience but ..... the club wants parents to travel with the children!!!

    Four days and nights surrounded by total strangers in communal sleeping quarters and surrounded by god knows how many people in the sports arena!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! But i have to. It's months away and I'm already sweating thinking about it and, actually, feel quite sick at the prospect.    

  • Ahhhhh, that made me laugh ‘quilty’, thank you. I needed to laugh to get me out of my current train of thought, thinking about going or not going to a couple of upcoming parties/celebrations. And it’s definitely quilty for me today. That’s exactly where I am. Under my quilt. Yesterday was an active, productive day. Today I’m thinking about these party invites.

  • Guilty?  Or maybe quilty?  Hide under a quilt and pretend the incident never happened.??? Joy

  • quilty? no offence meant!