Hi all, my first post. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with a SpLD (Dyspraxia) in 2003, but it never fit. My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspies and me too just recently. It's helped a lot, but doesn't stop the pain. I had a meltdown today. I was trying to get my pigheaded colleague to authorise something but he kept throwing it back at me telling me things I already knew and what I should be doing but he didn't give me what I needed. The crazy thing is, I've been doing the job for about 3 years and him only a few months, so he's treating me like I don't know anything just because he's a senior grade. I couldn't get him to see logic. This isn't the first time and I know he doesn't respect me. I had a meltdown and couldn't stop. It's like acid brain and there's little me inside watching the tears and frustration, sobbing in the ladies' loos, and I have no control. I made my lovely boss cry as I told her to go away when she was just trying to help. I could her an upset wobble in her voice but I couldn't stop. I feel so guilty and devastated. I just want to curl up and sleep afterwards but, even if I could, I feel so ashamed afterwards I can't settle. I feel, even though I was justified in getting deeply frustrated with the lack of logic, it was still my fault I hurt people. Does this happen to you?
Daily, I avoid people because I can't ever gauge exactly what they mean with certainty, I upset people so easily but that is so against my wishes that I frequently feel more upset about what pain I may have caused than the person to whom I am supposed to have caused it.
I'm familiar with that. When I offend people unintentionally I feel very very quilty.
I feel deeply for people and hate it when I upset them. The guilt is overwhelming and I chew at it over and over. My boss is definitely autistic, though undiagnosed. She has a blank face that I can't read. Normally that's a sign for me that people are upset. She admits that she's not a people person. I keep getting upset with her as she stresses me out so much. It saddens me as she's actually very nice. But I know she resents me. When I asked her for help re some minutes I had struggled to take at a meeting, she tossed her notebook hard across the desk at me, saying I should use her notes, leaving me shattered. Today, when I sent her an email full of info, she rushed in and said, 'Thanks for filling up my inbox, Alex!'. I know she's overwhelmed with stress, but I felt the anger and I cried. Again, another setback that makes her more ill-at-ease with me. She's doing all she can to help me with my disability and to understand me, but this is making me ill, as I have inflammatory bowel disease. I don't know how to cope with it.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. You may like to contact our Autism Helpline team to chat through the situation. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm).Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.
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