Hi all, my first post. I'm 55 and was diagnosed with a SpLD (Dyspraxia) in 2003, but it never fit. My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspies and me too just recently. It's helped a lot, but doesn't stop the pain. I had a meltdown today. I was trying to get my pigheaded colleague to authorise something but he kept throwing it back at me telling me things I already knew and what I should be doing but he didn't give me what I needed. The crazy thing is, I've been doing the job for about 3 years and him only a few months, so he's treating me like I don't know anything just because he's a senior grade. I couldn't get him to see logic. This isn't the first time and I know he doesn't respect me. I had a meltdown and couldn't stop. It's like acid brain and there's little me inside watching the tears and frustration, sobbing in the ladies' loos, and I have no control. I made my lovely boss cry as I told her to go away when she was just trying to help. I could her an upset wobble in her voice but I couldn't stop. I feel so guilty and devastated. I just want to curl up and sleep afterwards but, even if I could, I feel so ashamed afterwards I can't settle. I feel, even though I was justified in getting deeply frustrated with the lack of logic, it was still my fault I hurt people. Does this happen to you?
I am autistic my self
Thank you all for your amazing replies. I had no idea I'd have such a response. I've clearly come to the right place!
I might have got the wrong end of the stick with the problem that caused my meltdown as I have difficulty seeing the obvious sometimes. Connected things don't connect. I'll make good and be open that it was my fault. it's a lovely team. The best. We were all in a meeting today and the 6 hours flew by because of all the laughs. I felt privileged and will try to control my incorrect thoughts in future.
Thanks again everyone.
It’s still not your ‘fault’ NAS36384. I have the exact same thing, not being able to connect things up. So you can say you’re sorry if your behaviour caused any upset and give a little explanation. Not as a way of trying to make an excuse for it, but so they can possibly spot it in future and support you with it. For example, my support worker has started to spot things with me, when I’m taking things in an extreme way or not connecting things up, and she’ll just say something and I realise what’s happening. If that makes any sense. Lol! Don’t try to control your incorrect thoughts, it’s not possible, but you can start becoming more aware of them and sometimes withholding judgement until you can maybe see things a different way or something or you’ve had more time to process things. If we try and control, we end up with meltdowns or shut downs.
Sounds like you had a great day though. I love a good laugh. And they’re privileged to have you.
Thanks BlueRay. I didn't think that trying to stop the incorrect thoughts can itself cause a meltdown. You're right. It's best to think after the emotion has settled. Thanks for your kind words. X
Yes, remember, what we resist persists, every time, so if we try to resist the thoughts, they will persist. And they’re only thoughts anyways. And often, at times of meltdowns, they don’t make an ounce of sense. There’s no harm in a meltdown, they’re there to protect us from harm. We’ve hit a limit, we need to relax. You can explore therapeutic approaches, such as going to a quite secluded space to listen to soothing music or something, the possibilities are endless when we stop thinking meltdowns are bad, that we’re doing something wrong and need to apologise. We’ve simply hit a level, we’re overwhelmed with emotions, that we can’t identify at the best of times, and it’s like the wiring has gone crazy, and we simply need to go and soothe ourselves somehow, somewhere. And thank it for its interruption because it offers us then an opportunity to reflect, without any judgement, on the situation and maybe spot situations where we could maybe intervene earlier to prevent another one in that same situation. That doesn’t mean we try to change ourselves in any way, quite the opposite, we learn to find ways in which our lives are joyful, light, loving and at ease.
Beautifully put! Thanks BlueRay. X
You’re welcome NAS36384. We have to turn away from what we have been taught, such as meltdowns are bad, and embrace them. They give us clues to what our needs are and how we can meet them. The only struggle I see is one of getting that space and time that we need to uncover who we are, what our needs are and how to meet them.