Assessment tomorrow

Hi,

I have not been formally diagnosed yet the general consensus among the few people I have mentioned it to is that yes indeed, I am Autistic even though I never suspected it for a second before I took the online tests for Autism and Aspergers (43/50 and 42/50, respectively, I can't remember the exact figure but I scored very highlyin the ADHD test as well-high 30's, Ithink )

-I had always thought that I was just a screw-up who was just uniquely stupid and am afraid that I may have seized upon the idea that I am on the spectrum as an excuse for my failure as a human being in life.So I feel exactly like you do, if I am deemed Neurotypical-just a malformed, self-sabotaging example of I do not know what I will do, it will be devastating and the answers I have sought all of my life will go ith me to the grave.

Judging myself has always beeen problematic, for reasons I need not go into in any depth here, I seem to have started out with an extremely negative view of myself and had this re-inforced on a daily basis by a sociopathic (to put it nicely) fathe, I have carried on from where the *** left off and it is hard to find peace of mind because there is a constant stream of vitriolic abuse swirling around in my head-all originating and directed at myself.

If I am not on the spectrum, my life-long self-image will be vindicated. This is frightening.

However, I had an appointment with a doctor in my local surgery who is experienced in this kind of condition and he told me that I had several "highly autistic traits".and would expedite my diagnosis-still waiting. My eldest daughter was a support worker for an Autistic child and knows several ASD people, when I mentioned to her that I might be Autistic she replied that she "kinda knew" (!) Both my daughters have ADHD,Dyspraxia, Dyslexia to varying degrees but still managed to get Firsts from University and as I do not have even a single Brownie point to my name, I had thought that their conditions  were merely unhappy accidents which developed from an unfavourable combination of genes from their mother and I. I was so pleased that they did not seem to have inherited all of the "bad stuff" from me and that their llives are not a mess like miine.

A former colleague of mine with whom i still keep in touch occasionally told me that there was "no such thing as Autism" and that I was just "weird"-he meant no harm but it planted yet more seeds of insecurity in my mind which i have not been able to deispel. I will not totally accept that I am on the spectrum until it is made official.

I hope it is true-as I am sure you can imagine.

By now you will have had your diagnosis, I hope you got the answers you need.-wish me luck!

Thank you for your responses. I suppose my original post was just me wanting to share my thoughts with people who might understand. There was no need to worry though. The psychiatrist was lovely and she did confirm my suspicions that it is "most likely" that I have aspergers and she is going to write to my gp stating her diagnosis. As one of you said i do now feel validated and i feel more confident about approaching my employer and speaking to them about what my difficulties are in work with the hope that they will support me in over coming them. That was the reason i needed the official diagnosis. I didnt feel i could speak to anyone other than my close friends about my suspicions as i wasn't sure if they were right or not. 

Regarding assessment, I feel it is important to be aware that the diagnostic criteria is not to ascertain if you are autistic or not (to be put forward for diagnosis means that you almost certainly are autistic) but to ascertain the impact your autism is having on your life.

Paradoxically the more support you have and the more you are helping yourself, the less likely you are to be diagnosed. I was explicitly told this at the end of my diagnosis, where my diagnosis was quantified as 'borderline' due the immense support I get from my partner.

Also I seriously understated how affected I am in my daily life by my autism, my partner (with me throughout my diagnosis assessment) often added information that demonstrated the true impact of autism on my daily life. Without her input I feel I would have talked my way out of a diagnosis through ignorance of my difficulties (that I struggle to recognise) and understatement.

(NB: I have posted versions of the above information in other threads)

Good luck for tomorrow. The assessment will be over pretty quickly and at least you'll know whether you're autistic or not. Definitely good for peace of mind even though it's scary right now. 

I hope the assessment gets you the help/validation you need. I can understand your anxiety.I can understand your fear of not presenting things well . So much can rest on such an assessment   You are braver than me as it is my anxiety and fluctuating belief that I'm on the spectrum that stops me pressing ahead with pushing for an assessment. I am more certain that there is more going on than just the psychiatric illness I've been labelled with than I'm on the spectrum.

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