Hello. I would like to know how to cope with my friend with Asperger’s.
We were good friends. However, the more we become close, the more we argue. I think this is because that we do not understand to each other. Or I should rather say thay it is so hard for me to understand her way of thinking or perceptions....(she says she understands me but she does not sadly...)
We both had tough times last year. We were so stressed out in own issues. I do admit that I was sometimes nasty and horrible to her. I am shamed to say that I have shouted at her so many times. If I am allowed to excuse for it, this was because I was just not be able to put up with her extreme negativity and strong obsession with wanting to tell her favourite things which I do not like to hear and to correct the meaning of the words I used (my mother language is not English) during having important discussions and/or everyday conversations.
Since she was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, for me, she now excuses everything that she cannot do or change because of having Asperger’s. It really does not work for me... She has said to me once that I am neurotypical that is why I do not understand her. It may be true but sounded really cold and I felt a big barrier between us.
She found a kind of soul mate who has also Asperger’s in SNS. She is very happy and it makes her strong. She said to me that that person really understood her and made her feel very comfortable. I felt very jealous and was not happy at all because I am suffering from not being able to understand her as a real life friend exchanging many private and life issues but she admires her virtual friend....
I almost decided to end up our friendship because I do not know how to manage my emotions with her. I do not want to but I do become short tempered. Also, she believes in what her SNS friend says and telephone Asperger’s psychiatrist advice only now. She ignores my calls eventually. That is actually psychiatrist’s advice because I shout at her...My close friends advise me to finish this friendship because of wasting time...I really liked her and thought that I could make a great friendship with her though.....I do not know why our friendship became so bad...
Could anyone kindly tell me how to cope with this situations and a friend with Asperger’s, please?
I don't actually find it disappointing, just sad. Disappointing would be quite a judgement, expecting someone to do things better, but we can all be hurt, confused, sad, disappointed, hopeless, struggling, overwhelmed too - none of that is reserved to "NDs".
I think you're trying to find out if ending a friendship with an autist will get you or her injured... I lost almost all male friends after they met their wife and settled down. I always managed to say something you shouldn't say in social interaction. That's that, if a friendship is that fragile, it was probably better of to not exist. I'm sure NT-people also have a special folder in their brain for 'real friends' and 'just palls'... It's just that for autists the 'just palls' is really not much more than a stranger you know a little bit better, like a shopkeeper, or a waiter of your favourite restaurant ;)
And I'm sure (have evidence) that even NT people only keep 2 or 3 real friends around... maybe they just have more place in their brains and agenda's for the 'palls'... Autists like to keep that space for factual knowledge ...
To Octa.... I am sorry that I cannot remember your username. Your response has disappeared...
I want to say a real thank you for what you told me. Your subtle and genuine words and expressions considering both my and my friends situations and emotions healed my sad mind greatly. You did not make me feel guilty for not understanding my friend and for my behaviour....
This is my very personal perception but putting labels on others or classifying people by differences, illnesses and so on do not make any sense because we are different from each other anyway.
I think that I will have a break for a while and try not to jump into conclusion, which is to end up friendship with her. Maybe, not being so serious creates much better solutions.
Thank you so much again for your sensible and considerable opinions. I do appreciate it.
PS. I found out how to see your comments again, Oktanol. Thanks.
oktanol said:Disappointing would be quite a judgement, expecting someone to do things better
Oi. I resemble that...
Although, it does rather depend on what is intended:
"I am disappointed in you"
"That is not the outcome I had envisaged."
With 20/20 hindsight I suppose folk are likely to read the words, "that's disappointing", but comprehend "you're disappointing".
You're right to quibble though, since I mis-quoted you.
Save yourself and run for the hills!
...........must behave myself.....
I should not mention too much about her actual behaviours because it is kind of confidentiality. However, I am not the only one to shout....
Thank you for making me feel guilty.