Depression and thoughts of suicide

I am an autistic adult female with Aspergers syndrome and also suffer from what has now become irritable depression; I seem to be living a life of extreme sadness while overcome with extreme anger at the same time and find myself unable to feel any pleasure or take any interest in anything at all. I would also describe myself as a mentally damaged and psychologically messed up individual who will only become even more depressed and bitter as time goes on.

The fact that I come from a rather messed up family filled with nothing but negativity and tension has only worsened my situation. My family members - especially my dad and brother - seem to snap at me nonstop for every single thing while getting into constant fights with one another. Then I find myself subjected to many years of endless psychological abuse which I'm still suffering from today; I try to learn from those close to my own age such as in communication and every day functioning yet my parents keep comparing me to a toddler (such as a two year old) and they would do so in a cruelly nasty manner. There are too many spiteful things they have said to me that nobody should say to a mentally disabled person on the autism spectrum Yet they expect me not to be hanging on to my early adulthood years or being stuck in the past. I will continue looking back on my life being overcome with bitterness because I just don't understand why the world has to be such a dark and cruel place for someone like me. 

There are times when I don't see any point in being alive anymore - that is why I keep having horrific thoughts of ending my own life in the most horrific manner. I see suicide as the only way out at the moment.

I am planning to move out of home and get as far away from the people in my life as possible. As soon after I've moved out I will have to be staying at a mental disability clinic and will need a lot of professional help and special needs counseling. Don't be shocked if I eventually end up taking out my depression on innocent people and inflicting my pain on them because I won't be able to help any of that. I'm already on antidepressants and will probably remain on antidepressants for the rest of what is left of my life!

  • Hi, I did read all you wrote and could somehow understand your frustration and sadness quite well, then you wrote you are planning to move out and I thought, wow, that's a positive turn, now I'm really stuck with the last two sentences. Why do you think that's going to happen? It's your plan, so I assume it is what you want, and when you do it you will have to deal with one big issue less that is pulling you down at the moment. The things of the past won't just vanish, maybe they will always stick with you to some extend, but you are managing at the moment, not particularly well maybe, but you are managing, otherwise you would probably not plan to move out, you would probably find it impossible to make plans. So maybe things will just get a bit better and a bit more manageable? And maybe you'll need some sort of counselling or whatever, maybe even more intense at times, who knows, but that's o.k. too, isn't it? Try to believe in yourself!

  • Welcome to the club.  I and many others come from families that are toxic to our mental health.   

    And we look at others who are happy and stable and think.   Why us? 

    Depression is common.  And often often invisible to outsiders.  

    The only good advice I can give is, find people who make you feel better.   And don't take your frustrations out on people who haven't hurt you.

  • My parents have drunken, violent arguments frequently. Maintaining a positive outlook on society isn't easy imho. Capturing photos is more satisfactory, and productive than witnessing dysfunctionals bicker 24/7.

  • Dear NAS36090,

    I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support.

    If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx

    The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

    MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.

    If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

    If you need help with an autism related issue, our helpline can be emailed via webform https://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/questions.aspx or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.

    I hope this helps,

    Federica Mod