autistic and be good at small talk and friendly and polite

He sounds very much like me and I’m a female. It used to drive me crazy when my ex partner wanted to talk about emotional stuff. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do it, it drove me crazy. When I mentioned it to friends, they said how lucky I was, they said they would love their husbands to talk more like this. I hated it. I thought it was a total waste of time and it annoyed the hell out of me. 

I can be extremely sociable, if I want to be. The first thing my mum said to me when I told her I’m autistic, was, ‘but you’re so sociable’. I learned to be sociable because it sometimes had a benefit to me. Now that there is no benefit to me I rarely see anybody, including my family. I love my family very much and in some ways I would like to see more of them and spend more time with them, but there is no benefit to me to see them anymore. I’m going to attempt again today to go and see my dad, he only lives a very short walk away from me and is currently having treatment for cancer, but even knowing that and me wanting to go, doesn’t mean I will.

I’ve never had ‘interests’ or hobbies in the way that other people have. I've never spoke of ‘future plans’ or anything like that. Although for the first time in my life, since my diagnosis at age 50, I have actually finally got some future plans. I could never understand that question, ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years time’. I have never understood it but I am working towards some actual real life plans now, which is very exciting. 

I appear to not care about anybody, not even my family. My dad used to say I had a brick where I should have a heart, but he couldn’t be further from the truth. I just love, think, process and see the world in a different way. 

I have observed my parents (I’ve observed everybody, that’s how I learned to be sociable) and I have considered if I’m the way I am just because I copied them etc, but there are too many things about me that can’t be denied. This lead me to get an assessment for autism last year. And it was the best thing I ever did because now I can begin to really understand myself. All autistic people are different but I definitely recognise myself in your husband, from what you have said. 

I could be very sociable one minute, I could go out and be the star of the party, I could appear to be having a great time, then come home and sit in silence for days and my choice would be to sit in silence because that feels natural, going to a party isn’t and now I understand myself better, I won’t be going to many more parties. And the years of me performing, appearing sociable etc, has had its toll on me and now I can barely get out of bed. This is only temporary for me as well as necessary. I feel like I’m detoxing myself from all the years of ‘masking’ so it’s good, but this time round, when I’m back on my feet, I will be designing things very differently. 

Your husband might be very happy with his life, it sounds like he is. He’s very lucky to have a wife who loves him and supports him. When I’m cooking, I’m the same as him, always cleaning up as I go. It’s great that he can do that with you. But probably more for your sake than his, it would probably be advisable to get an assessment. It was the best thing I ever did, but that doesn’t mean it will be the best thing for everybody else and it has been a roller coaster ride, post diagnosis, it hasn’t been exactly easy and I’ve even started to take antidepressants (they are actually helping but not because I’m depressed, because I’m not depressed, even though it looks like I am).  But it would give you answers and it could help your relationship tremendously. A diagnosis doesn’t change anything of course but it would give you both more understanding. The diagnosis can be quite a shock, even if you’re expecting it or then again it might not be. We are all different, we all have different reasons for going for the assessment but it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into trying to understand your husband, so it would at least give you the answers you’ve been seeking. Have you discussed this with your husband? 

Thank you for your response.

Yes I talked to him about it.  He said that he would accept to do a test, if am willing to do something about my depression.  Depression is an illness that can only be cured by a doctor. according to him (but he will not understand that there is a connection between my depression and the way he is)

So, i said to him, you think there might be something autistic about you.  No no, this is only to do you a favor.

So I will go into therapy because I need help and I hope that he will do this test.

I am almost sure of the result.  

Thank you for your response.

Yes I talked to him about it.  He said that he would accept to do a test, if am willing to do something about my depression.  Depression is an illness that can only be cured by a doctor. according to him (but he will not understand that there is a connection between my depression and the way he is)

So, i said to him, you think there might be something autistic about you.  No no, this is only to do you a favor.

So I will go into therapy because I need help and I hope that he will do this test.

I am almost sure of the result.  

How "friendly" are you with him?

That’s right, and it wouldn’t matter how much effort we put into it, we still wouldn’t have any friends. Unless we’re post diagnosis and we know who we are. But our friendships may look different to neurotypical friendships, or they might not. We’re all different. 

NAS36023 said:

He has no friends left from his time in school, university.   If he would do an effort, I am sure he could have maintained a certain friendship with one or two.   But deep friends, he does not have them.

Well, I think that's a pretty good indicator of likely ASD traits, actually. You've effectively said his "friends" are your friends, and he has no friends of his own.

This has a ring of familiarity that I am sure many of us here can appreciate.

21 years ago we moved to this apartment and I was the one who found it.  It was at acceptable distance from both my work and the firm he worked for at the time.   A couple of weeks, before signing the lease, my employer told me that they would move the office into the city.  They were looking for offices in town.  So, I said let´s us wait and not move for the moment.  I was like 9 months pregnant t from my second child.  So for practical reasons, it would be better to wait   But he got rather furious, he did not want to hear about it, he had seen enough apartments....  And that is exactly what bothers me, his inability to put himself in my situation, and his inability to reflect and say, you may be right. I come with a proposal, I change my mind.   And that is what stresses him, I think.  Then later he got a job in another town.  There was no reason to stay in the area and the kids were still small. (we will move after 21 years, my daughter lives already in the city, my son will leave our home this Friday.)  A lot of emotions for me and I have begun to reflect about these 21 years.  

When we would be in trouble, I am sure there would be some that would help us.  The friends here he has are the husbands of the friends I have here.  For the rest I don´t  believe that he has a friend that he really can talk to.  He has no friends left from his time in school, university.   If he would do an effort, I am sure he could have maintained a certain friendship with one or two.   But deep friends, he does not have them.

I admit to being a little puzzled why you are living at your location. Schools, perhaps?

He works away all week long. Your commute is an hour. You have few friends nearby...

How many proper, close friends (people who would help you if you were in real trouble, maybe with something embarrassing) would you say your husband actually has? Not just acquaintances, but deep friends you've known for years and can truly rely on?

Thank you for your reply.  Yes I cannot blame him for my depression.   I raised my children practically alone because he is only at home during the weekend.  I need an hour to work and we do not have a very big social network. where we live.  I wanted to move, closer to friends, closer to work.  He was not able to put himself in my situation.  I was not happy, I proposed solutions, but nothing changed. So that is what I mean with this lack of empathy.

I agree with oktanol, he's a good guy, you both want the best for each other. But he's not to blame for your depression. That's your reaction to him not being as you think he should be and his reaction is to a world that he interprets, processes and views in a different way. He's not going to change, even with a diagnosis, but sometimes, for change to occur, we need something to change. Him going to get an assessment and you going to get some support for your diagnosis, is a change. A huge one and from that, you will see changes in your life. But it will be more about you both understanding yourselves more and learning to communicate with each other in a way that you both understand. That will take some time, but this can be the start of it. I wish you the best, and please ask more questions if you want more support or clarification or whatever, or just to get things off your chest. It's a brave step you're  taking, that you're  both taking, be gentle with yourselves. You've been together for 25 years for a reason and you've just hit a road bump. Getting through 25 years together deserves a medal, not many folks achieve that. So you know you're good together, all you need is a bit of support to understand yourselves better and to understand each other. Most of us on here are still learning, and we learn together and support each other along the way and in that way, we're starting to make connections we never thought we could have, and not just between nd's. Be good to yourself, you're a good person and so is your husband. 

Well, he's a good guy really, he wants you to be well!