Hi, i have enough autism to be rubbish at all my jobs - clumsy, bad coordination, no memory, easily confused, never know what time or day it is, find it hard to follow conversation, useless at maths, physically weak, don't notice anything around me, no social skills etc etc - with no strengths or special interests. The problem is that i am always the one who is clearly worst at their job, way below average. However, i have adequate verbal production skills so people aren't able to ascribe my mistakes to my learning disabilities as they do with people who are 'obviously' learning disabled (slow or limited speech etc). This means that i am always bad at it and colleagues are always glancing at each other as i make another mistake yet again, or worse (whispering, laughing, when i come in the room when they're sharing my latest stupid error.) Now i'm extremely lucky, as they tolerate me here, for the first time i haven't got sacked, and it only happens as a result of what i did and happens to everyone when they make mistakes and isn't malicious. But mentally and emotionally i find it hard to cope with, partly because i have never been emotionally close to anyone ever so i can't talk to anyone about it (internet means nothing to me so can't help), and partly because i'm sick of the normal childish coping methods (fantasies of being different, clever, powerful, or of revenge 'i'll show them'). When you're stupid at school, pretending one day they'll realise you're a wizard or planning to one day be a super-spy are fine as you'll escape into real life. But i'm rather sick of the adult equivalent. There isn't an area of life or an interest in which i shine (i don't really want one but i can see it would help if you did). Instead i need to not mind being backward and having low social status because of it. I don't mind when i'm not at work, but i spend forty hours a week there and make constant mistakes, dyspraxic ones which aren't going to go away, so i'd like a way of emotionally coping. Intellectually i accept my status fine, but i really need to stop getting a bit cross and upset about it at work. (I don't mean meltdowns or anxiety, i mean sulky or grumpy.) A lot of people here must be in the same boat, so i'd love to know how you cope! Thanks.
nb unskilled manual labour constantly around other people, in sales, not office job or management etc
As a complete egalitarian or equalitarian I treat all that authoritarian status anxiety stuff as like being at a dance, and either dancing freestyle, or not dancing at all ~ nor being social at anyone else's expense, which does unnerve some people, but it is better than the accepted way.
There is a book titled, GAMES PEOPLE PLAY - THE PSYCHOLOGY OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS, by ERIC BERNE, M.D., which is a good way to learn how to 'dance' transactionally the other way ~ save yourself from investing in all that social anxiety stuff, or be more executive about how much you allow yourself to get socially ripped off ~ being that is what the majority do and keep as such psychotherapists gainfully employed.
There is another book titled, T A TODAY - A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis, Second Edition, by Ian Stewart, and Vann Joines, which is actually therapeutically immersive, easy to read and socially educational ~ all at the same time.
Back in my mid 20s when I first went into therapy TA was the model that my therapist used. I can highly recommend TA it certainly helped me start to understand the NT world and function better in it, even though it would be another 20 years later before I seriously started considering I was aspie. TA Today in particular is excellent. In the late 2000s I started to train as a TA therapist and studied with one of the authors Ian Stewart for a couple of years... eventually I knocked it on the head as I found the training too academic and stressful (very costly too!) but never the less many of the concepts of TA have really benefited me over the years and I second Deepthought's recommendations.