Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I am sure there must be hundreds of threads similar to mine. However, I really need some advice. My 16 year old son (undiagnosed ASD but diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder) stopped attending school in Year Nine. We struggled to help him access home education via a tutor provided by the LA and, during the final two terms of Year 11, he was accessing one to one tuition at a PRU.
My son sat GCSE English and Maths (to his credit) and came out with grade '2' maths and grade '3' English. He also passed a Level One Functional Skills in English. Considering the fact that he had only attended four hours of tuition a week, I think his results reflect his potential to learn in the right environment.
He could not decide what he wanted to do after leaving school. He refused to attend several college interviews in subjects related to his interest and would not have the grades for others. Eventually, he attended an interview for an Entry Level Preparation for Work course which was suggested a few days before the start of college and he accepted the offer of a place.
My son has an EHCP which stipulates the need for a long and gradual transition into a new environment and for a low-arousal environment. Transition was not possible because the placement was provided so close to the start of term.
He started college and attended the first two half days. He said little about the course, but he mentioned two or three of the young people in his class by name, so I assumed that he may be making friends. The third day was a full day and my son refused to attend, despite my best efforts. We discussed what might help him attend and he said he was worried about lunch time and where he would go; he felt he could not eat unless he exercised and therefore a long day would mean he was enormously hungry and he had not had a full day in education for years. We took out a subscription for a local gym so he could go there at lunchtime and I helped him to sort out a healthy packed lunch he could take on his long days. I then contacted the Learning Support Manager and explained what strategies we had put in place and how the college could help by being patient with my son and maybe directing him to the learning centre where he could spend his breaks and so on.
The next day was a half day and he attended. However, when I came to collect my son, his tutor met me and said he was not participating or engaging with the course and that he needed to do so. I was a little surprised that participation and engagement were being mentioned so early in the course, but I told the tutor that I was sure things would improve. My son was present in this conversation.
We had a quiet weekend and I got everything prepared for Monday (another long day). However, my son refused adamantly to go. I managed to get him into college to talk to the Learning Support Manager to see if any additional support could be arranged. After a talk, my son agreed to go to class with the manager. However, he bolted across the car park when they stepped outside the building and ran home. Tuesday was a blatant refusal and on Wednesday we were asked to attend a meeting in which my son said he did not like the course and he would not attend and the college said they had no alternative courses for him and he should hand in his badge, leave the course and leave the college.
I spoke out as calmly as I could, stressing that this was only the second week of term and they were excluding my son from attending because ... he did not attend. However the college said we should go back to the Assessment and Review officer and seek another placement.
We have a meeting this Friday with the Assessment and Review Officer and I have made enquiries about another course, but it is at a college 15 miles away. I do not drive and my son is unlikely to get in a taxi on his own. My son says he will get a job, but we arranged a trial day at a car wash and he was too anxious to attend.
Has anyone any advice how we can move this situation forward? My son has an older brother who is currently in a residential placement for individuals with mental illness. My eldest son's problems were made worse by his reclusive habits and lack of occupation. The local authority did very little to help my eldest with respect to education or training opportunities. I am scared that my youngest is going to repeat his brother's history.
Hi Hobble,
I really feel for you. It sounds as if you are doing everything humanly possible to give your son great opportunities. However, I cannot help but feel that his college placement did not do the same.
Expecting your son to engage, attend and contribute in class within the first two weeks of term is ridiculously short sighted of them. I have known ND teens who take six months or more to even speak to anyone in their class, sometimes including their teacher.
And I am wondering if their lack of understanding about your sons Autism may have contributed to him not attending as, if they are prepared to kick him out so quickly, it makes you wonder whether they were appropriately supportive of him during his classes with them.
It’s so deeply frustrating as, from your post, it sounds as if your son was fully on board with attending prior to him going there which shows, importantly, that your son does desire the opportunity to try new things and make a go of it, even if he may need extra help and adjustment in order to access them successfully.
It’s always a really difficult decision when you come up against organisations which are not Autism friendly as the dilemma is often ‘do we keep fighting until they do understand’ or ‘do we cut our losses and seek alternative solutions?’
The only thing I would gently offer is ‘don’t go quietly.’ By this I mean; I might be tempted to explore and exhaust ALL avenues before willingly ‘handing in his badge.’ Education providers have certain duties and responsibilities towards their students, which I think can sometimes be easily (sometimes intentionally) forgotten by them.
If you can, hang onto his current college place, even if he is not currently attending, don’t let them take him off role quite this easily yet. Make other professionals earn their titles (and wages) by putting the problem in their laps, turn the tables on them; what are they going to do to enable your son to attend, what are they going to do about this problem, try not to let them put this problem in your lap alone as they have so far seemingly done. It is not a simple case of what are you or your son going to do about this situation. It is more a case of what are you ALL going to do to resolve this situation positively for your son, together?
Ringing the NAS helpline (as Heather-Mod suggested ) seems like an excellent place to start to find out and then assert you and your son’s rights to access further education and attend his college course. Contacting IPSEA may also be helpful too. A link to their website is below:
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/
Best of luck.
Hello Angeldust,
Thank you for this reply. I am going to a CiN meeting this afternoon and the Learning and Support Manager for the local college will be attending, so will the Assessment and Review Officer for the local council.
I agree with you. The tutor's comments were unfortunate, but the college has not really given my son a chance and to advise him not only to leave the course, but to leave the college because he is having problems with attendance so early in the term, is not being inclusive and is certainly not good practice.
I will let you know what happens.:)
Good luck for the meeting Hobble, it's very sad to read how little support your son has been given to help him have a meaningful and contributory existence. Us older folk ruefully look back knowing that we could not have been diagnosed or helped as children because the diagnosis simply didn't exist/wasn't recognised, but it seems there are many young people still slipping through cracks which is heartbreaking.
I hope someone listens to you this afternoon and has something constructive to offer.
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Hello,
Thank you for replying and for the very helpful advice. My original post was over two years ago. Since then, my son's period of non-engagement has just continued. He never returned to college and, despite my greatest efforts, he has not taken any training, education or employment since. He is now 18 years old, physically strong, but locked in a series of routines surrounding going to the gym working out what to eat and going for long walks to get his steps in.
Occasionally, he tries for unrealistic goals like being a car dealer in Europe or joining the Marines, but I think, perhaps, these are designed to fail. He will not engage with any services (medical or careers and so on) and I simply try to keep his spirits up.
Basically, I am worn down with it all and worn down with the anxiety it causes me when he says he is going to kill himself. The next minute, he is bright again and chatting about becoming a paratrooper or a You Tube entrepreneur. No medical professional will do anything because he has mental capacity and refuses help.
I feel that your child's lack of engagement is a consequence of how he was treated. The first conversation you had in the carpark (you, teacher and son), could have had a really negative effect on your son. I feel so angry that the teacher could have done and said that. I really hope you can find more a caring and understanding college. Even one teacher who is prepared not to judge so quickly and harshly and can see a potential to be nurtured and can just be patient. Patience is so important. As is not jumping to conclusions about kids. Ignoring seemingly "non engaging" behaviour would go such a long way. Please don't give up. There have to be people out there who either can help or who have learned to help. I hope that the first teacher and the subsequent people who have let your son down will be reached by advocacy and continuing education. Things have to change, things will change. I feel you are part of that process, and the teachers and supposed learning support will learn from you and your son. I'm sorry it has to be so hard for you. It shouldn't be this way.
Please don't apologise for posting again, it is good to hear from you.
I am coming on here less and less these recent weeks as my own heart turns ever colder; I really don’t want to pass my ice onto others; I would always prefer to share warmth and hope where I can, but I too am so bone weary of it all (fighting, life) sometimes.
Did you get any further with the thought you once had about looking to see if there are any alternative providers who may offer mechanics courses or similar? I imagine the NEET Team would perhaps know of these places in your local area, so even though they are dragging their feet about dealing with your son’s referral, maybe they will offer some alternatives to college that your son may feel able to try?
It’s all a constant (painful) waiting game isn’t it? I can only offer that the NEET Team would be very used to kids who can’t or won’t ‘engage’ for various reasons and so; perhaps there is hope; that this team may be more understanding and able to meet your son’s needs?
We can only hope.
I think this is why Pandora left it (hope) in the box- it is all we ever really have?
Big hug.
I apologise for continuously adding to this post, but I just wanted to update about the situation and, perhaps, to try to make sense of things.
I contacted our social worker a week or so ago because I had heard nothing form the college or the Assessment and Review Officer. My social worker sent an e-mail back to me saying that the A and R officer had just contacted her before she went on leave to say the college were willing to give my son a 'second chance'. She said she did not know the details e.g. when this chance would begin and what support may be in place, but she would come and talk to my son the following day, about what he wanted to do.
I was a bit lost because I did not have sufficient detail to prepare my son, so I just said that the meeting was to plan with him what he wanted to do. He said he did not know what he wanted to do, but he was not going to college.
We had a brief chat with the social worker. My son refused college outright and refused even to talk to the Learning Support Manager. The social worker asked if he wanted to meet someone from the 'Prevention Team' which is a team that provide outreach for young people who are NEET and he said 'OK'. The social worker said she would, therefore, sign him off the Child in Need Plan and pass him on to the Prevention Team.
Another week has passed and we have heard nothing. I have contacted Children and Families Services to see when we might meet someone from Prevention. They are still processing the referral.
My son now engages in fewer activities than he has done at any time in his life. He has nothing in the way of education, training or social life. I am trying to support him to go to the local volunteers service to see if there is anything he could do, but he keeps backing out of the appointments.
The situation is not helped by the fact that my eldest son, who is in residential care, is going through a rough patch as well.
I know I should complain and demand better services, but I really have lost faith in the system. They totally failed my eldest son and I complained frequently and at high levels. I feel they are failing my youngest now or perhaps there really is nothing anyone can do if a young person will not engage.