Stubbornness and willfulness

Hi, I am looking for your opinion about a situation I find my child in. He is 8 and has been diagnosed with aspergers/high functioning autistic. He has piano lessons a couple times a week but his teacher and mum have branded him as willful and stuborn because he does not want to practice or does not follow their instructions. He crys whenever he practices because of how confrontational things get, and because of how frustrated he is. 

 I have now been labelled as weak for suggesting that the teaching is too harsh and that maybe piano is beyond his abilities.

I am trying to be the best dad I can be for him but sometime I don't know if I should be pushing harder or easing up. 

Parents
  • Hi there,

    I have Asperger's - though I only found out in middle-age!  I started piano lessons when I was 19.  The first teacher was an irritable older man who was forever snapping at me for making mistakes.  This took me straight back to the classroom - a horrifying place - and so my mistakes got worse and worse.  In the end, I stopped going because he made me feel useless.  A couple of years later, I found another teacher.  With trepidation, I had a 'taster' lesson with him - and I'd found the right person!  He was patient with me.  He allowed me to experiment with some different pieces.  He didn't force me - as the other one had done - to study for Grade exams.  Under his tutelage, I learned an awful lot and finally began to play with some proficiency.

    My experiences - in all areas of my life - suggest that it's less about the person learning as about the person teaching.  It sounds to me as if your son simply has the wrong teacher.  His teacher - and, from the sounds of it (unfortunately), your wife - are seeing your son as the problem.  He's not!  He has certain needs that require a certain approach.  Pushing harder with him in this situation is not going to help him.  Rather, he needs someone teaching him who can take him on his own terms - and preferably someone who understands autism and the needs of people who have it. 

    How does your son manage at school?  Does he get special teaching there?  Unfortunately, 'stubbornness and wilfulness' are often labels that are pinned on people who (because they don't have teachers who are qualified or experienced enough in dealing with such behaviours) do not seem to respond in the way most other people might.  I had all of those labels, too - plus 'disruptive', 'dreamy', 'unsocial', 'inattentive', 'hopeless'.  I went on to get a degree, though, and to take my piano Grade exams (even though I'm still not much good at the piano!) - mainly because I found the right teachers to work with.

    Sorry to be blunt with this.  But I hope it can help in some way to hear someone else's experiences in this regard.

    Best of luck,

    Tom

  • Hi Tom,

    Thank you. I appreciate you relating your own experiences, it is exactly what I need to hear. 

    And what you have said makes sense and aligns with my view on the matter. 

    Sadly my son is not getting much support at school. Being part of class of 30 does not help. He spends most of his time reading rather l than participating in lessons. He just failed year 3 because his output was too low for them to maje a propery assessment. I think the reading is a safety mechanism because he is struggling with the class environment. 

    Best of luck to you. 

  • Sounds a lot like I was at school.  In my first year at primary, I was way ahead of everyone else with reading, writing and spelling.  Yet before another couple of years had passed, I was failing - and I failed the 11+, even though the early signs had been that I'd sail it.  I used to escape into my imagination a lot, because it was a safe place.  Other people were invariably hostile in some way.  Reading, too, was an escape.  Even now, when I've learned to live with anxiety almost as my default condition, I find great release from reading or films - or through my own writing, where I can again exercise my imagination and try to make sense of things that otherwise baffle me.

    Yes... it won't help being in a class of 30, as I was, and being expected to toe the line.  It's like being a cat in a room full of dogs (my favourite analogy!)  Has the SenCo been any help for you?

    One other thing I meant to ask... does he have the piano lessons because he wants to play piano?  Does he seem to enjoy piano and making music otherwise?

    Tom

  • Hi My son is 16 and although very musical, he never settled on a formal instrument and refused to sing in the school choir once it wasn't compulsory. However, he loves music. He recently started Music Therapy with Nordoff-Robbins. I pay for this privately. The sessions are not about 'learning' to play. The therapist incorporates my son's interests into the sessions. For example, he loves DS games so the therapist plays the theme tunes he likes and he joins in with percussion. This gives him an emotional outlet and helps him to understand his emotions and reflect on events. He really looks forward to the sessions. He feels confident and supported. Maybe Music Therapy could be a compromise instead of piano?

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  • Hi My son is 16 and although very musical, he never settled on a formal instrument and refused to sing in the school choir once it wasn't compulsory. However, he loves music. He recently started Music Therapy with Nordoff-Robbins. I pay for this privately. The sessions are not about 'learning' to play. The therapist incorporates my son's interests into the sessions. For example, he loves DS games so the therapist plays the theme tunes he likes and he joins in with percussion. This gives him an emotional outlet and helps him to understand his emotions and reflect on events. He really looks forward to the sessions. He feels confident and supported. Maybe Music Therapy could be a compromise instead of piano?

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