Published on 12, July, 2020
I appreciate I am posting under the 'Parents and carers' category. I am neither, however, I am married to an aspie and I just need some help.
I would be very grateful if someone could point me in the direction of all the other frazzled husbands/wives?
I've been married a year and a half, we moved in together when we got married (not due to tradition, but due to commitments that prevented our co-habiting sooner).
A couple of WEEKS after moving in I asked myself: 'who is this selfish, uncaring, unsympathetic, I'm-always-right, rude, arrogant man, and where the HELL is my husband??'
A confusing, emotional and unbearable year passed (no, there was no 'honeymoon period' for us), and we finally have the answer (I'll give you a hint, it starts with 'A' and rhymes with blasperger's)
Since then I've read books and really brushed up on my knowledge of the big 'A'. I'm still mourning the life I expected to live when I got married. It's very, very sad. I now have a completely different view of the man I married and it breaks my heart. He's someone else entirely now. But things are getting better. The last 6 months have been amazing. It's so hard trying to forget everything I know about communication and starting again, and even harder to view things from his perspective, but I'm getting there.
Tonight, however, is a turning point. I need help. It's the first night I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him. Because of his sensory issues, I've not been able to read a book or peruse my laptop before bed in all the time we've been married. He point blank refuses to wear an eye-mask and ear-buds because they irritate him too much. I haven't slept well recently so now I have to sleep in a different room until I sort it out.
Ugh, please I just need help to cope with this. I'm 25 and sleeping in a single bed. This isn't RIGHT!!!
Firstly, I assumed that you were an Aspie wife...but you are married to a man who is Aspie.
youve read a lot, but are you also listening and understanding...
you refer to yourself and your needs and your aspirations... do you know his? ... what are his thoughts on your marriage thus far!
This is not meant as a nasty post.,, just curious
Hi Elephantintheroom
Thanks for your message, I know my posts appear to be very 'me me me' which is absolutely true! And it's purely because there was no one in my life going through the same unique experience of being an aspie's partner.
I didn't go into much detail on his needs because those very few other people I'd connected with who were in my situation just got it, if that makes sense?
As mentioned in my initial post I desperately tried seeking help as I was struggling with our marriage as it was all about him and what he wanted. An example of this being he wanted to work away for 4 months at a time, see me for a month and be off again, which he did. For the first 6 months of our marriage he spent every waking hour when he wasn't at work stuffed away in his office programming. His needs were being met every day, and as the dutiful new wife I encouraged and supported him, putting my needs second.
It was a disaster marriage which had many flaws, and in hindsight he's reflected and admitted that he wasn't present a lot of the time and that he thought we could just get married and that would be it, happy ever after. He also admits he should have worked at saving our relationship. I know I wasn't perfect either and contributed to my share of difficulties, but as mentioned in my latest post it was all too little too late and we're now apart.