DESPERATE ASPIE WIFE!

I appreciate I am posting under the 'Parents and carers' category. I am neither, however, I am married to an aspie and I just need some help. 

I would be very grateful if someone could point me in the direction of all the other frazzled husbands/wives?

I've been married a year and a half, we moved in together when we got married (not due to tradition, but due to commitments that prevented our co-habiting sooner).

A couple of WEEKS after moving in I asked myself: 'who is this selfish, uncaring, unsympathetic, I'm-always-right, rude, arrogant man, and where the HELL is my husband??'

A confusing, emotional and unbearable year passed (no, there was no 'honeymoon period' for us), and we finally have the answer (I'll give you a hint, it starts with 'A' and rhymes with blasperger's)

Since then I've read books and really brushed up on my knowledge of the big 'A'. I'm still mourning the life I expected to live when I got married. It's very, very sad. I now have a completely different view of the man I married and it breaks my heart. He's someone else entirely now. But things are getting better. The last 6 months have been amazing. It's so hard trying to forget everything I know about communication and starting again, and even harder to view things from his perspective, but I'm getting there. 

Tonight, however, is a turning point. I need help. It's the first night I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him. Because of his sensory issues, I've not been able to read a book or peruse my laptop before bed in all the time we've been married. He point blank refuses to wear an eye-mask and ear-buds because they irritate him too much. I haven't slept well recently so now I have to sleep in a different room until I sort it out. 

Ugh, please I just need help to cope with this. I'm 25 and sleeping in a single bed. This isn't RIGHT!!!

  • This is a 5-year-old thread. I often wonder if any of the people who posted that long ago are still here. I don't recognise the screen names.

    The ASD is part of the man, so I don't think it's possible to separate them.

  • Hi Elephantintheroom

    Thanks for your message, I know my posts appear to be very 'me me me' which is absolutely true! And it's purely because there was no one in my life going through the same unique experience of being an aspie's partner.

    I didn't go into much detail on his needs because those very few other people I'd connected with who were in my situation just got it, if that makes sense?

    As mentioned in my initial post I desperately tried seeking help as I was struggling with our marriage as it was all about him and what he wanted. An example of this being he wanted to work away for 4 months at a time, see me for a month and be off again, which he did. For the first 6 months of our marriage he spent every waking hour when he wasn't at work stuffed away in his office programming. His needs were being met every day, and as the dutiful new wife I encouraged and supported him, putting my needs second.

    It was a disaster marriage which had many flaws, and in hindsight he's reflected and admitted that he wasn't present a lot of the time and that he thought we could just get married and that would be it, happy ever after. He also admits he should have worked at saving our relationship. I know I wasn't perfect either and contributed to my share of difficulties, but as mentioned in my latest post it was all too little too late and we're now apart. 

  • How much is the “man” and how much is the ASD? ....

  • Firstly, I assumed that you were an Aspie wife...but you are married to a man who is Aspie.

    youve read a lot, but are you also listening and understanding...

    you refer to yourself and your needs and your aspirations... do you know his? ... what are his thoughts on your marriage thus far! 

    This is not meant as a nasty post.,, just curious

  • Hi everyone

    Thanks for the messages, I’ve just come back to have a read-through of everybody’s experiences and stories. Sadly, my husband and I divorced 3 years ago. We tried both the usual couples counselling as well as specialist AS couples counselling, but sadly he didn’t want to accept his diagnosis or make any changes in the relationship. That was a bitter pill to swallow, and after making many, many sacrifices in order to salvage our marriage I eventually had to make the decision to walk away from the man I loved. I had poured all my energy into helping ‘him’ and ‘us’ that I had totally neglected to help myself.

    It breaks my heart a bit looking back at these posts, he will always be my first love and the man I married, and I’ll always love him in one way or another. It absolutely crushed me to walk away knowing I wouldn’t meet anyone else quite like him, knowing that I may not meet someone as loyal as him, or someone who I swore I would follow anywhere. Looking back, I absolutely idolised him and wanted so desperately for us to work in some sort of harmony together. I wasn’t expecting it would be ‘harmonious’ exactly, but I always felt that as long as we were BOTH invested in building our lives together then that would be enough for me. It’s the trying that counts and he is a very good man with a very good heart, however, we weren’t meeting each other halfway so it was never going to get any better.

    I learned a lot from my time with him, about compassion, about new ways of thinking, about the different languages of love. I definitely grew as a person and for the better from having him in my life. I learnt the importance of self-care, and knowing when enough is enough. I tried every avenue available in an attempt to save us and have no regrets or ‘what-if’ moments. I tried everything.

    I just hope now that he has a good life and that nobody takes advantage of him. It makes me sick to my stomach that I can’t be there to have his back (he moved to a different country), and I still worry about who will be washing his clothes and reminding him that he’d been wearing his jeans for 3 weeks solid, and whether or not he is being cooked proper food and that whoever is making a trifle for him remembers to add some rose water to the jelly. I hope whoever is buying his clothes for him makes sure they are the right material and not too scratchy, and I hope that whoever he is with never asks him to pop to a supermarket (especially the ones that play music). I don’t think he had any clue that these things affected his life and his mood - they were just things I observed along the way.

    P and I used to describe our marriage as being ‘alone, together’. Now we are ‘alone, apart’.

    Whenever we were apart from each other before we would always say ‘I can feel the tug of the invisible thread that ties my heart to yours’ - that little thread is still there and always will be. I will always have his back, despite our relationship being well and truly over.

    Anyway, it was a journey I will never forget, don’t regret, and am eternally grateful for. He’s a special soul and I will always have his back.

  • Did you know there is a page on facebook for partners of Aspergers.

    www.facebook.com/.../

  • All,

    I am so relieved at knowing that there are others like me and that I am not imagining things. Its been a year since i have been in my relationship. The first 6 mths were great and i didnt have a clue. However, on our first holiday and after we moved in 5 mths later i realised that something was not quite right. Mood swings, always being right and never accepting he is worng, turning things around, wanting to sleep alone, not thinking of me the list goes on. It was out first anniversary yesterday and i got nothing....i sound a bit selfish here but its actually crushing me as a person. Anything i want doesnt matter its over ruled. The continual starring really upsets me and i start to think that hes up to something. I have sought CBT and hypnotherapy thinking it was me but its not. I get a lot of love but i feel alone at times. He is obsessed with facebook and doesnt even comment on people post. There is onlly the topic of polotics which he is interested in. He is a DR and refuses that anything is wrong with him. It really tires me, but i love him dearly. It had been very turbulent after we moved in but in the last two months things have been great. He allways thinks I am the unhappy one or the issues are with me. he says that I know i will end up alone and that just breaks my heart. I couldnt do that to him but I need some support too. I brought up marriage and kids but its his way or the high way.  Can anyone please help or direct me. How do I get things done?

    Shazam

  • The main strategy that we have is to understand how we differ. I read a good book - Living Well on the Spectrum by Valerie Gaus. This helped us understand the tendencies that i have. We now have a bit more give and take in our relationship. I am more aware of how i come across and she has adjusted her expectations.

  • Hi

    thanks for responding. I did not know how to get back to this page to see if anyone had commented.

    My dad was diagnosed 10 years ago, but I dont see him. I heard about it from a TV programme on Granada TV. My dad had lots of different diagnoses when I was growing up but this one makes the most sense. I suppose they didnt use to understand AS years ago.

    I keep thinking about lots of my family and my husbands and there seems to be a lot of people with traits and I wonder if this can be the case or if I am just imaginning it everywhere now.

    I am going for my panel assessment next week and am really keen to know about if I have AS aswell. Sometimes I think so and sometimes definitely not. I am very different to my husband but they say it affects women differently.

    Does your wife have any strategies she uses to cope? Are there any tips you could give us that would help us to manage?

  • Just came across your post and thought i would extend a warm welcome to the community here. Your story of late realisation and diagnosis rang bells for me. I got diagnosed at 56, have a long suffering wife who is now able to understand what is going on and feels much better as am less of a mystery to her. We have worked out that lots of my family, and some of hers, have been afflicted but have never had the benefit of diagnosis. 

    How has your dad reacted to diagnosis at 70? What prompted this?

  • Hi, I am really glad this thread is still going. For the past few months me and my husband of 20 years have just been coming to understand that he has AS. He has had so much 'help' in the past from psychiatric services and no one picked up on it. We were recently going for help for our son, who is 17 and suffering from all sorts of anxieties when the counsellor asked my husband if he was diagnosed with AS? We were very shocked at the suggestion but over the next few weeks and reading lots of things it became very glaringly and blindingly obvious. You can probably guess that we now also think my son has it as he has many of the same traits and has always had lots of difficulties. However he was at first able to accept that maybe this was the case but he no longer wants to talk about it.

    I have also been getting assessed for AS as I have always struggled in different areas of life particularly maintaining friendships. The clinic have said so far that they dont think I have AS but feel the way I am is related to my childhood. I have a dad diagnosed with AS at 70 and now understanding about this it explains my mum to me too. I felt very uncared for and unloved as a child. Both my parents used me to meet their needs and could not understand me having any of my own. From this I have had to have lots of treatment from Psychology services to just keep going. The clinic thinks I may have AS traits from being brought up in this household.

    Whatever is the cause for me if I had known about my parents and if others had I would not have blamed myself so much and felt there was something wrong with me. However i also wonder if because I am articulate and have worked out how to appear to get on with people, as well as holding down a good job, then maybe my diagnosis is being missed.

    I relate a lot though to how difficult it is to live with someone with melt downs and no ability to filter his thoughts. I now have children ages 17 and 15 and have always felt like a single parent and this has caused so many issues for us amongst other things.

    However I have had to ask why I have stayed so long with all the problems and dont know if it is because it is familiar to me to be around someone like my husband. Maybe it is because I too have some traits and so in some other ways I am more comfortable with him in many ways than with other people without AS.

    I have been very depressed about it all and one minute want to leave and another minute think I can do this.

    Sorry this was so long. First time ever on a forum and first time on social networking type thing. I just want to talk to others to share experiences.

  • Supercheese - are you still reading?

    Its been said that you live next to an autistic person not with them. Intimacy means different things to us. But I'm glad your relationship is getting better.

    You say that not being able to read a book or use your laptop in bed is a real problem for you. Could you do that in another room before going to bed to rest and sleep? Or have a certain number of nights per week where you sleep separately so you can read in bed. I know this may not fit with the married life you expected to lead but sleeping apart for practical reasons doesn't mean your husband cares for you any less.

    I've always marvelled at people in sitcoms who can sleep next to their spouses reading books, watching the tv and having phone calls. I need the bedroom to be a quiet place, partly because sleep is a way to recover from the exhausting stresses of the day and I don't want them in the bedroom in the form of lights and laptops!

  • After nearly 30 years of marriage i have discovered that i have aspergers. My long suffering wife was near to giving up but we now have a better understanding of who i really am. In my mind the real me is now free and the previous shadow was never really able to know who he was.

  • We've only recently confirmed that husband is AS, after 30 years together I find mysylf 'mourning the man that never was' - your words aptly describe what I'm feeling at the moment. i keep thinking about all the sacrifices i made in the hope that it would make things better...only to now find out that i was doing it all for a ghost. Is it possible to get to that place where you stop mourning? I feel cheated....so many regrets and feeling incredibly sad. 

  • Hi again. I have done it. Annoyingly, its posted it twice and i can't work out how to get rid of the 2nd unwanted one.

    Hope you will hop on board so we can chat and off-load some more.

    Love Rosemary xx 

  • Hi Puffin,

    Not sure if you have seen but I'm going to start a new thread for us long-suffering wives and partners.

    I think I will put it on the Introducing Yourself bit of the forum, as there is no special slot for those of us in a NT [I want to put v for versus, ha ha!] X ASC marriage or relationship.

    Love Rosemary xx 

  • Hi Rosemary,

    Really pleased for you your weekend was great and it does seem your husband has taken things on board with the councilling, fantastic.  How many more sessions?  i would book a s many as possible, keep him going.  He may well fall back to his old self now and again but the fact that he can change is great! Shows he can do it and does understand  Smile

    We had a lovely weekend too, no stress !  No mothers day treats either, but i have almost come to accept that, (hence i bought myself a little treat) bit concerned my husbands apathy will rub off on our son which is not so great.   Teaching him not to care for others feelings, but still it was a lovely relaxing no stress weekend gardening (our saving grace a huge garden, we all love it)!   So we all dug the veggie patch, chopped wood and played football ! no arguements, bliss! 

    My husband hates all the commercial side of valentines ,Mothers day etc, says the days were invented to get more money out of us, i do see his point, but a little something would be nice, still thats not the end of the world.

    No one else to talk to hubby about the martial arts class, he quite often almost sees he could be making things worse, but then goes and does it again!  Unfortunatly there really is no one else to talk to hubby about it (even if he would listen), My husbands and my family all live hundreds of miles away, and not exaggerating when i say no friends, sad case that i am !  I tend to be really honest and open and have not yet and not sure i should tell people about our sons Autism, it is a really small gossipy community.

    Really nice to chat to you Rosemary.

    Take care,

    Puffin x 

  • Puffin - A resounding YES! I was coping really well with all the little things that I just thought were his quirky personality until our child came along.

    I think men generally have this tendency to be fair weather friends [sorry guys!], but this was massively the case with my partner. He seemed to be unable to make the change from partner to parent. It was very painful.

    I've just had an amazing weekend though, following the last counselling session. There seems to have been a seachange - goodness! Its not like being with the same man. Am quite stunned to be perfectly honest and wondering/hoping if he can maintain it???

    How has your weekend been? I feel for you with your little boy's defence classes - what is it with these men that they don't listen to us and then sit up and take notice when an outside influence speaks to them??? Its quite annoying! Could you get someone to intervene on your behalf?

    Love rosemary xx

     

     

  • Hi again Rosemary,

    Thanks for the response, yes we both seem to be in very similar situation.  My son adores his Dad most of the time although there relationship is very different to mine and my sons.  I do not think our Aspie husbands  can read the signs as well, my husband often does not know when to back off with my son and i find myself intervening alot!  My son is also affectionate with me but not as much with Dad. 

     If we did not have our son i may have more seriously considered leaving ( thought about it daily instead of every other day) ! but, i worry what damage this could do to our son, so i am hanging in there also.   Also i think i have been with my husband for sooo long i have really lost my confidence and it would take a momentous effort to leave, not sure i have that in me.   We also now live very far away from all family and have made no new friends here so i am quite alone and boy do i feel it Frown

    It is Martial arts class again tonight Dad has insisted he starts to go twice a week !  i can see our son saying he has had enough of it before the year is out, i really hope i am wrong though as it has helped his confidence, the instructer is brilliant.

    i know it is an awful thing to say but do you find things have got worse since having your little boy?  i think they have with us, less time for my husband , constant disagreeing over how to raise our son.  i think because my husband is stressed alot more worrying about our son , (he cannot help himself)  as he does love him very much this has worsened my husbands traits.

    i seem to have hijacked Supercheese's thread , sorry!  The only way i could carry on this little chat Rosemary.

    Have a good weekend, i have the bottle of wine at the ready and have done what all good Aspie wives should do, bought myself a mothers day present!

    Puffin xx