NT Burnout in NT/AS relationship

I am reaching burnout I think and am seeking help.

Been with my AS partner now on 10 years and it is just getting harder and harder.  When I look for help and advice all I seem to come across is bitter people that have left.  And I do understand that, dont get me wrong.

He was diagnosed early on in the piece.  I think being with me at that stage gave him the grounding to seek out a why he is like he is.

In that time we have done all the things you shouldnt do lol!  Major surgery for him, the diagnosis, death of his father, chronic illness for me, no real work from him as he has been finding his path.  Moved in together and well things have just progressively got worse and worse.

Because we really are living on a very low income - well that doesn't help.  I came into this with my own business which he joined and has slowly taken over.  Now that is just a bone of contention as it is, and I, who has often kept us slightly afloat.  I have tried to be lenient and forgiving, but all i get from him is the connection it has from my past, and how I constantly amaze him with what I don't know.  I did the best with what I could and I think I did it darn well - considering I was left high and dry without a paddle!  I do say all the time how his knowledge has added to it and that I am grateful for that, but I do not get anything positive in return from him about it.  I did also have another 2 businesses which have now been shut down as they have been deemed unsuitable and unviable to run.  Mainly because we moved into the country.  But all things always have to run to his protocol to be deemed worthy, and that is never easy.

That is one thing i have real issues with now - he has such high standards for everything - especially me, but somehow it does not relate to him at all.  I am trying to get my own thing off the ground again now, but it is constantly judged and I feel like i am doing everything

Because he has never had real support I have truly tried to be so supportive, which has at times not been easy and has left us where we are now.

When we met, he was easy going, calm and caring - now he is mostly depressed and very very angry.  I am quite empathic and feel the venom that comes from him oh so often.  Yes I get it - more bad things have happened with the failure of him going into the direction he had studied for (didn't pan out as he had thought) he lost the connection to the rest of his family now as well, and now he has been diagnosed with cancer - just to name a few things :-( 

So he is constantly overwhelmed - I get that.  But after 3 years of crap, total meltdowns on his side that has left me an emotional wreck - well I don't know what to do anymore.

Everynow and then I get little glimpses of how he used to be.

It seems to me that I am a constant trigger now.  Or he totally ignores me.  Doesn't answer at all a lot of the times.  Mind you he can be caring and affectionate with our 'kids', so it is there somewhere.

So yes I too am overwhelmed - what do i do?  I know this sounds pretty defeated and sad, and that is just so not me.

Parents
  • Hi 

    It is difficult when relationships hit this point to see the positives in each other, however you sound very committed and like you want things to work out for the long run.

    My personally experience of being a female AS in a relationship with a NT male is that I fail to pick up on subtle cues of what I am supposed to do to make the other person feel loved and happy.  My idea is very different to my partners!  However, that is no to say I don't love him or care for him, I just show it differently.  I am also a perfectionist of the extreme types, which drives everyone around me insane and if I am going through a bit of a rough time, what usually might be constructive criticism on how to make something better, may come across and cutting and plain rude.  Again that is not my intention, I just see imperfections in everything, which I cannot ignore.  It is my state of mind and possibly mood that affects how that is interpreted as my filter fails to work when I am tired, stressed or overwhelmed.

    I know that my current relationship isn't rosy, but like you want it to work, but I am unable to discuss this with my partner through not knowing my own emotions and sometimes what others are feeling thinking.  In addition, I struggle to put complex emotional issues into words, so it comes across as me being a bit flippant or not really having a lot to say during a serious discussion about the relationship.

    I have started to read Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1529085945&sr=8-3&keywords=aspergers+and+marriage

    It made me realise just how bad things might be for my NT partner as well as how much I had been getting wrong.  It might be worth a read to at least get you talking and create some strategies.

    I hope things improve soon, but please don't destroy yourself in the process.  Both parties have to be kind to each other and ASD is no excuse for that.

  • I just show it differently.  I am also a perfectionist of the extreme types, which drives everyone around me insane and if I am going through a bit of a rough time, what usually might be constructive criticism on how to make something better, may come across and cutting and plain rude.  Again that is not my intention, I just see imperfections in everything, which I cannot ignore.  It is my state of mind and possibly mood that affects how that is interpreted as my filter fails to work when I am tired, stressed or overwhelmed.

    I don't normally say 'This', but...

    This.

  • I say "This" a lot frequently. I would second your unusual "This" with a .......

    This.

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