Published on 12, July, 2020
I am reaching burnout I think and am seeking help.
Been with my AS partner now on 10 years and it is just getting harder and harder. When I look for help and advice all I seem to come across is bitter people that have left. And I do understand that, dont get me wrong.
He was diagnosed early on in the piece. I think being with me at that stage gave him the grounding to seek out a why he is like he is.
In that time we have done all the things you shouldnt do lol! Major surgery for him, the diagnosis, death of his father, chronic illness for me, no real work from him as he has been finding his path. Moved in together and well things have just progressively got worse and worse.
Because we really are living on a very low income - well that doesn't help. I came into this with my own business which he joined and has slowly taken over. Now that is just a bone of contention as it is, and I, who has often kept us slightly afloat. I have tried to be lenient and forgiving, but all i get from him is the connection it has from my past, and how I constantly amaze him with what I don't know. I did the best with what I could and I think I did it darn well - considering I was left high and dry without a paddle! I do say all the time how his knowledge has added to it and that I am grateful for that, but I do not get anything positive in return from him about it. I did also have another 2 businesses which have now been shut down as they have been deemed unsuitable and unviable to run. Mainly because we moved into the country. But all things always have to run to his protocol to be deemed worthy, and that is never easy.
That is one thing i have real issues with now - he has such high standards for everything - especially me, but somehow it does not relate to him at all. I am trying to get my own thing off the ground again now, but it is constantly judged and I feel like i am doing everything
Because he has never had real support I have truly tried to be so supportive, which has at times not been easy and has left us where we are now.
When we met, he was easy going, calm and caring - now he is mostly depressed and very very angry. I am quite empathic and feel the venom that comes from him oh so often. Yes I get it - more bad things have happened with the failure of him going into the direction he had studied for (didn't pan out as he had thought) he lost the connection to the rest of his family now as well, and now he has been diagnosed with cancer - just to name a few things :-(
So he is constantly overwhelmed - I get that. But after 3 years of crap, total meltdowns on his side that has left me an emotional wreck - well I don't know what to do anymore.
Everynow and then I get little glimpses of how he used to be.
It seems to me that I am a constant trigger now. Or he totally ignores me. Doesn't answer at all a lot of the times. Mind you he can be caring and affectionate with our 'kids', so it is there somewhere.
So yes I too am overwhelmed - what do i do? I know this sounds pretty defeated and sad, and that is just so not me.
I say "This" a lot frequently. I would second your unusual "This" with a .......
This.
thank you - i too think that mindset if really really important
Thanks Starbuck. It is an interesting thing that you mention that your filter fails when tired, stressed and overwhelmed. I would say that is exactly what happens. I really believe that he is not really a uncaring SoB - well otherwise I wouldn't have stayed this long lol!
I am really beginning to think that after all this cancer stuff is over - we should relocate and live in separate dwellings or something like that. So he gets his peace and I get mine. I know that may sound mad, but I think that would actually work, and work well. I do not need someone there all the time and vice versa. I am pretty sure we should stop working together and living in eachothers pockets - I dont think that is helpful at all. Everything that attracted him about me is now the opposite. Well it feels that way. I am emphatic, creative and as he calls it a Whirlwind that causes chaos. All the things he is not. And that is partly what why it is so bad for me - I actually feel his pain and his emotions, sometimes I think more than he does.
And I shall investigate this book too ;-) I have read bits and pieces over the years. I stop looking a lot of the times as I find so much negative stuff that makes me just lose hope.
Starbuck said:I just show it differently. I am also a perfectionist of the extreme types, which drives everyone around me insane and if I am going through a bit of a rough time, what usually might be constructive criticism on how to make something better, may come across and cutting and plain rude. Again that is not my intention, I just see imperfections in everything, which I cannot ignore. It is my state of mind and possibly mood that affects how that is interpreted as my filter fails to work when I am tired, stressed or overwhelmed.
I don't normally say 'This', but...
Hi Rexie
It is difficult when relationships hit this point to see the positives in each other, however you sound very committed and like you want things to work out for the long run.
My personally experience of being a female AS in a relationship with a NT male is that I fail to pick up on subtle cues of what I am supposed to do to make the other person feel loved and happy. My idea is very different to my partners! However, that is no to say I don't love him or care for him, I just show it differently. I am also a perfectionist of the extreme types, which drives everyone around me insane and if I am going through a bit of a rough time, what usually might be constructive criticism on how to make something better, may come across and cutting and plain rude. Again that is not my intention, I just see imperfections in everything, which I cannot ignore. It is my state of mind and possibly mood that affects how that is interpreted as my filter fails to work when I am tired, stressed or overwhelmed.
I know that my current relationship isn't rosy, but like you want it to work, but I am unable to discuss this with my partner through not knowing my own emotions and sometimes what others are feeling thinking. In addition, I struggle to put complex emotional issues into words, so it comes across as me being a bit flippant or not really having a lot to say during a serious discussion about the relationship.
I have started to read Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1529085945&sr=8-3&keywords=aspergers+and+marriage
It made me realise just how bad things might be for my NT partner as well as how much I had been getting wrong. It might be worth a read to at least get you talking and create some strategies.
I hope things improve soon, but please don't destroy yourself in the process. Both parties have to be kind to each other and ASD is no excuse for that.
Rexie said:I am not in England so not sure what IAPT treatments are?
'Improving Access to Psychological Therapies'. Basically the lowest level psychological intervention, CBT or counselling usually for just 6 or 12 weeks. I've heard a lot of people complain about the time limit, but also quite a lot of people being helped by it.
Rexie said:He had been on anti-depressants for a long time but weaned himself off as he thought they did him more harm than good.
There is no evidence anti-depressants work for autistic people. (Mind you, there's a dispute over whether they do more good than harm for anyone. If they help, they help.)
Rexie said:I have been trying to get him to change his outlook a little bu suggesting that he tries to think of 3 nice things that happened in a day,no matter how small, at the end of the day as he goes to sleep...
If it's any use, you can say that's exactly what I do, and I find it helps. I actually type them into a dated document as a kind of positive journal, including achievements and any interesting experiences. I would have been sceptical myself, but invented the procedure out of desperation.
See also http://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/12577/did-anything-good-happen-today-june-2018
Rexie said:Adult careers advice - same as the situation with the counceling.
Sorry, I thought finance might be an issue, but wrote it anyway.
Hope the cancer continues to remit and take care of yourself.
Thanks Cassandro for taking the time to reply - it is appreciated.
Some of what you say rings true - i have tried but I gather everything is totally overloading at the moment - especially if I am involved. I have been suggested AS/NT counselling, and he says he is willing - but it has been put off because of finances, and now because of this latest hiccup, until he has had surgery and is over all that. I should clarify that at present the diagnosis looks pretty optimistic as it was all caught by accident when looking at something else. But of course it is a very scary thing - for both of us.
I have said many things over the past few years - i try to be as direct as possible, which is a hard thing for me. Sometimes it takes me some time to formulate into words, but I always follow through.
You have triggered some ideas by mentioning perfectionism versus excellence. I have said to him time recently that I will thrive on positive interaction but not with criticism. I honestly think sometimes he thinks that he is somehow helping me by telling me everything that is wrong.....
I am not in England so not sure what IAPT treatments are? He had been on anti-depressants for a long time but weaned himself off as he thought they did him more harm than good.
I have been trying to get him to change his outlook a little bu suggesting that he tries to think of 3 nice things that happened in a day,no matter how small, at the end of the day as he goes to sleep..........but he thinks its all airy fairy at the moment. But maybe if I mention CBT? And I will look at the two books you mention - thanks.
Adult careers advice - same as the situation with the counceling.
You begin to see how I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. :-)
Sorry things have been so difficult. Welcome to the forum and I hope you get insights from other NT partners and from autistic experience of relationships too. Personally, I've been on the male AS/autistic side of loving relationships, and sometimes just doing the necessary things to maintain it can seem a pressure and cause for overload.
First thoughts: external events have been difficult for both of you, not to mention cancer, but it sounds like he may be taking things out on you unfairly. That can happen in any relationship. Have you sought any relationship counselling?
Rexie said:Everynow and then I get little glimpses of how he used to be.
I would suggest continuing to express gratitude to him when appropriate (we men are simple creatures and can be 'trained'!) but also make realistic positive requests of him... the difference with AS/autism could be that these have to be clear, and you may need to be explicit if tactful about your feelings and needs. Can you find suitable time to talk about how it's going every few days? Either arrange to fit it into the routine, or maybe test the water when things are going well?
Perhaps his self-esteem comes from the business and micro-managing makes him feel in control. 'Perfectionism' of 'high standards' can be a particular problem with autistic people, as you would see from other threads here. There's a difference between perfection and excellence though, and an autistic focus can be used for the latter if allowances are made for use of time.
Would he be open to cognitive behaviour therapy? I would have thought that he could look at the negative thoughts associated with the anger and perfectionism, and he might be able to self-refer to your local IAPT talking treatments service, or failing that go via the GP for mild depression. There are quite a lot of books about CBT as well that might help ( I often suggest Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. and the Robinson Overcoming... series). Also possibly at a different time he could get some adult careers advice?
Do please have a look at some other posts on the forum. Good luck.