Daughter doesn’t like me

Thank you so much for this. I’m glad there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m in the same place with my 13 year old and worry so much about what kind of life she will have. 

Someone posted a link to a NAS course about ASD in girls and woman a few days ago: 

https://www.autismonlinetraining.com/course/view.php?id=44

Maybe have a look? It's a little bit of a pain to get to the actual course but once you are there it's really quite good. It doesn't address your problem as such, but mentions and explains many things that you may find could be leading to it. Takes about three hours, so not a massive time investment.

I kept thinking I should perhaps stop doubting that diagnosis and thank the people I got if from for getting it right... 

Dear NAS24419,

If you were looking for some advice, you may like to contact our Autism Helpline team who are best suited to answer. They can provide you with information and advice on your issue. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.     

Furthermore, you may be interested in contacting our Parent to Parent service who offers emotional support to parents and carers of children or adults with autism. This service is confidential and run by trained parent volunteers who are all parents themselves of a child or adult with autism.

You contact the team on 0808 800 4106. Please leave a message and the team will call you back as soon as possible at a time that suits you, including evenings and weekends. Alternatively you can use contact the team via web form: http://www.autism.org.uk/services/community/family-support/parent-to-parent/enquiry.aspx

Kind regards,

Ayshe Mod

Do you know why your daughter doesn't like you? For example, I need 100% honesty from an individual if I am going to trust them never mind like them. My mum is a NT and like many she tells 'white lies' as she believes that is what is best at the time. it isn't. This behavior has meant I will never truly trust her and due to that, I have created a barrier between us, which I don't believe will ever go. I didn't speak to her for years as I couldn't see the point due to her untrustworthiness.

Are you doing anything that is a big no no fo her? It could be simple teenage angst or the problems could run much deeper and if you simply ignore them and hope time will changes things this could make the situation a lot worse.

Your daughter could struggle to communicate the root cause of the issue so I suggest you find out what behaviors might be a big no no for her and find subtle ways of finding out the truth.

Most kids ASD or not will say things like that. Most of my friends kids are around that age now and I've heard that countless times. I was a total pain at that age. I said horrible things.

I realised one day that my mom was the one person who would never let me down and the guilt set in. That day will come.

Edit : Sorry Emma, I meant to send that to NAS37035

Please don't pull back on the amount of love and care you show her even though it hurts, you are her safe place, her constant. You are the one person she can trust. 

I know it can be hard to see but your relationship doesn't need to improve, this is proven but the fact that she is confident enough in your love to be able to push against you, you have a massively strong relationship.

Definitely!  
And I did, very much, but I'm in a good place now. I'm employed doing something I enjoy, living by myself and supporting myself financially and I have a partner and a really good group of friends.
Things get better. ^^

Seems like you had a tough time yourself! I am learning that school is often not a pleasant experience for a lot of people on the spectrum.  Your right though! our home  is the only safe place my daughter has to express herself and I am the only person she feels comfortable sounding out to. I need to remember this when she’s acting out. 

Yeah, very familiar story.

My mum took me out of school altogether for about a month because I was extremely reluctant to go and was self-harming (an effect of the anxiety and depression and one of the things that led to my diagnosis in the first place). She took me out of maths for good and taught me herself at home. I spent the time I should have been in maths lessons in a teacher's office instead, because the maths teacher and I despised each other and were never going to be able to work together, to cut a very long story short. It took a LOT of fighting for mum to arrange this. 

Just let your daughter vent at home, keep it a safe place for her to melt down in. I bet life's feeling pretty rubbish for her right now and there's a limited amount you can do about what happens at school. You're going to see the worst of it, because you're her safe place. So in a way know that when you are taking the brunt of it you are in a way doing good for her just by that, because you are being safe to express those feelings around.  

And you helped her get her diagnosis, so hopefully that will at least help her understand (in the long run) why she's different and it won't be a horrible "am I just unlikable" mystery. So when she grows up, leaves education and has more understanding of herself and control over who she spends her social time with it will be significantly easier for her. 

1. Thanks for the insight. It’s really helpful. Also glad to know relationships can improve in adulthood.

Thank you. That is really helpful. I do need to look at the bigger picture and try and understand why she might have these feelings towards me. She got diagnosed last summer so at a similar age to you and she is struggling school (refusing to go) and with friends (isolating herself). She has high levels of anxiety and feels depressed a lot of the time.I just want to help her but I need to figure out if I’m actually being helpful. Thanks again for the insight! 

Oh, and a lot of this won't be conscious. She'll have no idea why she suddenly can't cope or why she lashes out at you in particular. She might work it out when she grows up. 

I struggled with my mum a lot at that age. I really couldn't cope with her being in my space and asking questions. I would get quite angry with her. A lot of the problem was to do with not being able to really show how I feel so I put up a wall between us. My relationship with my mum has massively improved during my adult years. We still have our moments occasionally but loads better than in my teenage years.

Ohhh, I have, from the other side of things.
I was the same with my mum at that age and trust me, it's not that she actually hates you. :/ 

She's at the age when, especially for us women, being autistic gets HARD. Really hard. Social expectations have changed, other children are getting very involved in social politics (especially the girls) and as the autistic girl I guarantee you she's getting the short end of that particular stick. This is the time at which it becomes very obvious that you are different and that "different" is generally perceived by your peers as "wrong". School work's harder too, just to make things really overwhelming.

Oh, and puberty kicks completely in so not even your body is reliable and consistent. Literally everything is 'change' at 14 and that's one of the big autistic difficulties. This is where a lot of us get diagnosed in the first place (my autism got flagged up at 14 years old exactly, though it took 3 years to diagnose me) because this is when it becomes impossible to cope. 

So where's the safe place to let loose all that frustration? Who won't attack back or react in a way you can't handle? Who won't socially ostracise you and make your life even more difficult? Mum! That's who!

Doesn't help that it's also the age at which your brain is saying "push boundaries" (hormones again) and mum also happens to be the main purveyor of boundaries. (That's what your "bad attitude" is code for, if you were wondering)

It gets better, but it might take a long time. Into her 20s. Until she actually grows up. She won't listen and she'll make her own mistakes whatever you tell her and it will break your heart, plus you'll be trying to pick up the pieces every time, but eventually she'll realise you're on her side and be generally nice again.

(I say generally, there may always be minor episodes of lashing out, because you will never stop being the source of 'good advice that she doesn't want to hear').

Also she's never going to admit any of this, except to strangers on the internet, so don't even try asking.

Hope that helps. ^^'