Mum of 11 year old daughter needs help

This is my first post so please bear with me. 

My daughter is 11 and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum just over a year ago. She started senior school in September but is really struggling with friendships and is consequently being bullied, mostly on the bus home. I’d like any advice on helping her make and maintain friendships. 

Also, with hormones raging she is so up and down I’m struggling to handle some of her outbursts. She has taken to throwing stuff round in her room although she seems to be being careful not to actually break anything. I mostly sit outside her door in tears until it’s over but wish I could help her express her emotions without getting in such a state. 

Any my help/advice from those who have been where I am would be appreciated. Thanks x

Parents
  • Hi Rachel

    I am mum to an 11 year-old who is going to mainstream secondary in September.  I am already aware of issues within her peer group and have, therefore, elected not to work for a few months in order to ensure that she is either settled or en route to a transfer...  I worked as an Inclusion Manager for 18 months and have seen how very unpleasant children can be to peers who are "different"; but one thing that I do know is that bullying is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.  If there is no adult on the bus to supervise children; I would recommend that you arrange alternative transport for your daughter.  If you claim DLA for her, you should be able to sort a taxi?  I cannot recommend this highly enough - the journey to and from school can make or break a sensitive, hormonal wee girl - I know it does mine...

    With regards to the outbursts, I am experiencing the same with my daughter and have requested referral via the GP to a specialist course for parents of older children with ASD.  Not only will this help, but also I will hopefully be able to share experiences with other parents with similar issues.  I would recommend some of my own strategies, but they wouldn't necessarily work with your daughter. 

    I have found that deep breathing, using relaxation techniques *you not her" has been very useful.  It may take a few "go's" but stay with it.  Also, pampering sessions together are a great way to have a chat.  I am a former Personal Trainer so have several strings to my bow, but more than anything I just keep trying different strategies.  I would suggest that anything that you change you prewarn her about and keep trying for 4-6 weeks before changing the strategy/ exercise.

    One thing that I have reinforced multiple times to my daughter (I always speak calmly and slowly) is that throwing things won't help.  Asking her to express what is "wrong" doesn't work - she tends to begin a period of escalation; but distracting her or using positive reinforcement helps; as does saying things like "I don't know about you, but I don't "get" people..."  Once she feels that she isn't being criticised, she will sometimes tell me about something that has happened.  Channels of communication aren't always open, but we keep trying between us :)  I always ask her about her day when she gets home and she mine (although my reply isn't heard hehe) and this is a good start...

    With regards to friendships - I would say that as long as your daugher is happy with her social situation then her demands are being met.  We aren't all social creatures, regardless of diagnoses :)

    I hope that some of this is helpful in some way

Reply
  • Hi Rachel

    I am mum to an 11 year-old who is going to mainstream secondary in September.  I am already aware of issues within her peer group and have, therefore, elected not to work for a few months in order to ensure that she is either settled or en route to a transfer...  I worked as an Inclusion Manager for 18 months and have seen how very unpleasant children can be to peers who are "different"; but one thing that I do know is that bullying is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.  If there is no adult on the bus to supervise children; I would recommend that you arrange alternative transport for your daughter.  If you claim DLA for her, you should be able to sort a taxi?  I cannot recommend this highly enough - the journey to and from school can make or break a sensitive, hormonal wee girl - I know it does mine...

    With regards to the outbursts, I am experiencing the same with my daughter and have requested referral via the GP to a specialist course for parents of older children with ASD.  Not only will this help, but also I will hopefully be able to share experiences with other parents with similar issues.  I would recommend some of my own strategies, but they wouldn't necessarily work with your daughter. 

    I have found that deep breathing, using relaxation techniques *you not her" has been very useful.  It may take a few "go's" but stay with it.  Also, pampering sessions together are a great way to have a chat.  I am a former Personal Trainer so have several strings to my bow, but more than anything I just keep trying different strategies.  I would suggest that anything that you change you prewarn her about and keep trying for 4-6 weeks before changing the strategy/ exercise.

    One thing that I have reinforced multiple times to my daughter (I always speak calmly and slowly) is that throwing things won't help.  Asking her to express what is "wrong" doesn't work - she tends to begin a period of escalation; but distracting her or using positive reinforcement helps; as does saying things like "I don't know about you, but I don't "get" people..."  Once she feels that she isn't being criticised, she will sometimes tell me about something that has happened.  Channels of communication aren't always open, but we keep trying between us :)  I always ask her about her day when she gets home and she mine (although my reply isn't heard hehe) and this is a good start...

    With regards to friendships - I would say that as long as your daugher is happy with her social situation then her demands are being met.  We aren't all social creatures, regardless of diagnoses :)

    I hope that some of this is helpful in some way

Children
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