Mum of 11 year old daughter needs help

This is my first post so please bear with me. 

My daughter is 11 and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum just over a year ago. She started senior school in September but is really struggling with friendships and is consequently being bullied, mostly on the bus home. I’d like any advice on helping her make and maintain friendships. 

Also, with hormones raging she is so up and down I’m struggling to handle some of her outbursts. She has taken to throwing stuff round in her room although she seems to be being careful not to actually break anything. I mostly sit outside her door in tears until it’s over but wish I could help her express her emotions without getting in such a state. 

Any my help/advice from those who have been where I am would be appreciated. Thanks x

Parents
  • I don't want to be negative, but wanted to share my thoughts on the matter. 

    I was severely bullied all through school (multiple schools in fact - three of them) and through university. I don't believe friendship can be taught, manufactured or forced. At that age I did wish I had friends, so I didn't feel so desperately lonely and would perhaps have someone to turn to when I was being bullied. I got nothing. An entire school life of pain and trauma. And I don't want to be negative, only to ask you to consider alternative education sources if you haven't already. Though she might be fine academically in a mainstream school, you may find that her social needs better qualify her for a different school setting or perhaps some form of homeschooling if you can manage it. Those simply weren't options for me when I was young, but I desperately wish someone had taken me away from the school environment because more than a decade of effort couldn't fix my inherent ability to attract bullies. And honestly, as an adult it hasn't gone away - I was recently very badly bullied in a workplace, in a way that no others were, which shows me that those experiences don't necessarily go away with age. Fortunately, I am now in a much better workplace where I've only met with one bully but have many other people who I get on well with.

    As an adult my coping mechanisms are to never get too comfortable with people and allow myself to talk freely, and to not interact socially outside of work with any of the people I work with (no staff parties!). As a child, none of that would have been easy. As a child I desperately wanted to fit in, even just a little. As an adult I don't care about fitting in  so it's a whole lot easier. I simply care about avoiding bullies, rather than forming friendships. And remember that adults can move on when a workplace isn't working out, and are not forced to be around bullies every day for years. Those escape routes aren't available to teenagers without adult support.

    Based on my experiences, I have always said that I will not force my own daughter into a school environment  that she is consistently unhappy in. I know this might not be a practical solution for you  but urge you just to consider looking into options beyond how to fix the situation at her current school. 

  • Blade i couldn't agree more.

    And Rachel when people tell you that she should go to school as she will have to learn to deal with these people one day, no she wont, it isn't going to happen, she will learn to avoid them, she will learn that there are lots of haters out there, but YOU can protect her from that at the moment. My youngest has been home schooled for the very same reasons, she will take her gcse's this year and will hopefully fly through them without having to cope with the abuses from high school. I believe that she is going to do better than she would have in school as she doesn't have to worry all the time about the bus, other people, eating with other people, teasing, bullying etc.

  • I disagree with Song's statement that your daughter will always be able to avoid bullies when she's an adult. Due to my need for reasonable adjustments in the workplace I have been the subject of bullying behavior by three line managers and I work as a teacher. Once I complained, two of these employers offered me significant sums in settlement agreements (one I was only at for a few months) and the final one I managed to get a new job and leave after a few weeks. Although I did eventually leave all of these companies and now work somewhere where they are kind, I was stuck in these previous employments for a while (one for two years) whilst I managed to secure new posts.

    Having a disability will always make your daughter vulnerable. Teaching her strategies for coping with bullies at all stages of her life and building her confidence up so that she can stand up for herself and complain when necessary couldd be hugely beneficial.  This website might be useful - www.familylives.org.uk/.../

  • No I don't mean she will be able to avoid the bullies when she is older, I meant she doesn't need to be subjected to them at the moment and if she chooses she can avoid plenty of them when she is older,  as I said she won't learn to deal with these people when she gets older, the best she will ever be able to do is not deal with them at all. 

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  • No I don't mean she will be able to avoid the bullies when she is older, I meant she doesn't need to be subjected to them at the moment and if she chooses she can avoid plenty of them when she is older,  as I said she won't learn to deal with these people when she gets older, the best she will ever be able to do is not deal with them at all. 

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